My Journey

I write my thoughts to express myself, driven by creative instinct. Not in some esoteric serious way, but as who anyone likes to work with their hands to make what wouldn't have existed without them. There is some essential human need behind it. Perhaps the same one that instinctively and unconsciously leads us to procreate, for I feel it just as strongly, if not more.  Today, I'm here to remind myself of some things. Things that feel so divine when they are in front of me, but which invariably slip away as life paces on. It's the vision of the life I want to lead. Not a constant state of perfection to be protected at any cost, but a pleasant state of mind, which would be excellent to live in as much as possible.  I dreamt of fighting with my mother last night, of standing up to her and just screaming my head off. It was a total meltdown, by the way, much scarier than a mere tantrum. I really blew my lid off and said some harsh things, but damn, it was so fucking satisfying...

I never thought it would be easy. But I suppose I was desperate to find out if I had what it took. I've quit many jobs to follow my heart, and each time I inch closer to some kind of salvation. This time feels different. Like all paths around me are crumbling down and cornering me. I feel my hopelessness overpowering my desperation. No matter how many times I slip and fall, I tell myself it isn't my fault. Blaming never got me too far in the past. Yet it is time to evolve or die. Taking a hard look in the mirror, I see deplorable corruption and pitiless failure. A disgustingly flabby, soft, and selfish figure, seeking to devour whole anything that lay in its path. Yet, behind the mutations of the flesh, there is a glimmer of light that's begging to gleam. Suffocating under the dark, murky gloop of rotting slime, I can recognise it as the source of my experience.  My gut tells me that this golden shimmer is what gives value to everything. Without it, even the cursed pleasure...