My Journey

I've experienced something interesting. It was essentially a 2-hour lecture by Dr. Gabor Mate on healing. The first thing I want to note down was his understanding of compassion and the 5 levels of it: Ordinary Human Compassion: When you feel pain, so do I. This first level is something almost all of us are capable of some of the time. It's important but very basic. It feels uncomfortable when seeing the homeless and painful when hearing an animal cry out. It's what drives people to console someone who is crying, in hopes of making them stop. Compassion of Understanding: Going deeper to ask, "Why the pain?" This is essentially a deeper level of empathy that takes a closer look, seeking to understand someone with curiosity. It's about wanting to know who a person is, beyond their present behavior. It's what might drive someone to have a real, heart-to-heart conversation with someone to understand why they were crying. Compassion of Recognition:  Gabor des...

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I've been stressing out about my relationships my entire life. The lack of a romantic one, the superficiality of my paternal ones, the lack of depth in the ones with my siblings, and the consistent inconsistency in all of my friendships. I've always heard that you're born alone and you die alone, and you're pretty much always alone so better get used to it. I remember when I was younger, I used to fantasize about it. How weak these simp like men were who were being controlled by women. How wonderful a truly independent life would be. How ideal. How freeing.  To my mind now, only my brother Bhuvan seems to be living an ideal life. Full of challenges for sure, not without his own share of terrible suffering, but still happy, and kind. Never allowing himself to get bitter and depressed. That's what it seems to me now anyway. Past few days I've been going back and forth on it. On one hand I thought the new year and the Christmas weekend are a time to socialise and b...

Yesterday was a great day off. I decided I won't do anything productive at all to get some rest so I can continue to give my all for the next week. I talked to a friend, watched anime, ate good food, watched the new Avatar, and watched the FIFA finale. It was all so amazing. It was difficult not to do anything though because I really wanted to. I had built up to it the whole week after all. The habits were starting to form. The work was gaining momentum. I didn't get great sleep last night and slept feeling hungry. Today I woke up late feeling lazy, ate breakfast asap, and didn't do shit. I didn't do anything at all. My room was a mess. When I tried to do something I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done. Nevermind my basic obligations, but all the secondary things like cooking and shit. So I ended up lazing around all day, jacking off(literally too), and then over eating to relax. Now I pretty much feel like shit. It's late again and I w...

For quite some time it has seemed like I am stuck and need to do more. I suppose it's more about not making enough progress than being stuck. This folly may have caused many of my older derailments. Something is definitely different this time though. I am not looking for any alternatives as an escape from this lifestyle. I no longer wish I could order junk food or smoke up or have a drink to make myself feel better. It feels a bit like I have internally burned my bridges and my boats at the shore. It seems like I have for the first time gone all in.  I am glad about that. I did take it a little easy today. I was starving at breakfast time so I overate a bit, which made me sleepy around noon. I was also sore from yesterday and worried that taking a nap would only ruin my sleep schedule, but I took one anyway. It was rather refreshing and relaxing. I did a little outlining for my own story before the nap and after waking up I just watched this new anime I found called Jobless Reincar...

I'm pushing myself right up to my limit now. The diet is stable but can easily derail in a moment of weakness. The exercise is causing soreness and I loathe stretching, which I'm not very familiar with in the first place. It's starting to feel like I am starving myself a little bit, which is what I want.  I'm doing my best to maintain efforts toward everything else and making slow, and minuscule, but consistent progress. I want to lie down and rest properly. Everything is going according to plan. I am the one who is making it happen. The moment I stop making efforts at key moments, the progress will derail. This is a critical juncture. This is a defining moment. This is me crossing the threshold. Like a space shuttle fighting against the atmosphere and gravity. This is far from over, the worst might be yet to come.  I am grateful for this opportunity and the guidance I have received that has led me here. I will persevere. I will ingrain in my memory from now onwards to ...

I woke up relatively early today for once and the new feeding times are suiting me so far, although I can only know for sure in a week or so if it sticks. This resulted in a lot of time for me to engage in my other more fruitful activities. On one hand, what is the point of recording everything every day, on the other, I know very well the reasons behind each of my endeavors and I want nothing more than to achieve all of them for many days in a row. So I spent all my free time wasting more than most of it. Jumping from app to app, playing round after round of Isaac, watching episode after episode.  Some of my experiences tell me to take things slow and appreciate any and all progress. They tell me to ease into my goals and let things happen organically. Yet I intuitively know that to be totally false. This is why I'm not consulting anyone about this or asking for advice. A part of me wants to take things slow and go easy. That part of me has constantly made me miserable my whole li...

My dear cousin brother came to visit me last week, the day after I wrote my last entry here. We drank together and he shared a lot of his experiences with me while we caught up while sitting on the roof. I don't know how long it had been since I last saw him but I'm glad he was able to come. He has always been one of my favorite people, he's warm, kind, and very charming. Charming is a quality made up of equal parts warmth and competence. That is an interesting thing I learnt recently. I also learned a lot of other things these past few days. The first and foremost thing I learned was what a huge fucking failure I am. The realization came to me rather matter of factually instead of some heavy dreadful bashing that I beat myself up over. Because I also realised that no one I cared about, literally no one that mattered would care about my failures more than I ever would. So what's the point of beating yourself up if you're on the same team? I never critisize someone w...