Healing Days

I've experienced something interesting. It was essentially a 2-hour lecture by Dr. Gabor Mate on healing. The first thing I want to note down was his understanding of compassion and the 5 levels of it:

1. Ordinary Human Compassion: When you feel pain, so do I. This first level is something almost all of us are capable of some of the time. It's important but very basic. It feels uncomfortable when seeing the homeless and painful when hearing an animal cry out. It's what drives people to console someone who is crying, in hopes of making them stop.
2. Compassion of Understanding: Going deeper to ask, "Why the pain?" This is essentially a deeper level of empathy that takes a closer look, seeking to understand someone with curiosity. It's about wanting to know who a person is, beyond their present behavior. It's what might drive someone to have a real, heart-to-heart conversation with someone to understand why they were crying.
3. Compassion of Recognition: Gabor described this as seeing how you have the same deeper drives as the other person. Kind of like building deep, authentic bridges of connection and understanding. I see it as genuinely identifying with the person, pretty much the deepest kind of empathy imaginable. It's embodying the crying person's story, to the point where you also feel like crying lol.
4. Compassion of Truth: This is where it starts getting profound for me. He says, when you truly care for something or someone, eventually, very painful things will start to emerge. The fourth level of compassion seeks to face that pain head-on, no matter how difficult. It's about seeing and meeting reality on its own terms, instead of twisting or editing it to match how we wish to see things. Let them tell you why they were crying instead of forcing your narrative on them.
5. Compassion of Potential: Finally, the highest form or level of compassion is to seek out the very best in things or people. Even if they are bruised or broken, you choose to see them as who and what they can be in the future and treat them as such. Of course, this might include negative potential as well, but that's where courage and leadership come in. It's watching someone crying in front of you, and seeing them on stage, decades in the future, inspiring millions of people.

The question is, can we apply all these levels of compassion to ourselves? This brings me to the thing I really want to explore deeply. Gabor framed this as a 5-step healing exercise that people need to do regularly, as in weekly, if not daily. 

1. Relabel: Get some distance and build awareness. This is just a thought, feeling, and pattern.
2. Reattribute: Go to the source. Understand the roots of these patterns and gain perspective.
3. Refocus: A side-step. Engage with something positive consciously. Walk, dance, breathe, etc.
4. Revalue/Re-Evaluate: What is the value of these things today? How is this affecting me?
5. Recreate: What kind of values do I want to manifest in my life? How do I want to live?

This part was particularly profound to me. Like an inner, deep house-cleaning practice that keeps you aligned and directed. They also called it setting intention. Gabor said that the exercise is to tackle negative repetitive beliefs that you might have, that are holding you back.

While he was talking about this, I knew that this was the way for me to dig deeper and truly clean my house in a meaningful way, because even now, I feel uncomfortable.

I will now try to go through the 5 steps and try to practice the 5 levels of compassion on myself. 

Digging for Gold, Rot, Cancer, and Diamonds

Part #1: Relabel

What are some of the most damaging repetitive beliefs that I carry? Harmful thoughts that keep rearing their ugly heads? Things that regularly hold me back? No matter how much I try to reason myself out of it, I keep finding myself trying to justify my existence.

Let's look back at some powerful negative experiences. I used to feel neglected at home, like no one cared or wanted to learn about me. I felt so alone and like a burden at home. The only time anyone paid attention was to criticize me.

"No one loves me. Nobody cares about me. I'm unworthy of love, care, attention, affection, and celebration. I need to do a lot more, be something else, and completely change who I am to become worthy of love."

These things immediately come to mind when I think of those times, but I feel them in my body even now. I carry them around, and they guide what I do. They're always tightening my chest, making me anxious, and giving me the slightest bit of uncomfortable, tight pressure.

It's like energy is always leaking out of me, so I always feel tired. It's painful enough that I feel restless, but not noticeable enough that I can pinpoint or identify its location or point of origin. It's why I constantly want to eat things, drink water, consume content, or self-medicate.

I remember in primary school or kindergarten, the day after I watched Spiderman in the cinema with my parents, I was pretending to climb the walls of my class just like Tobey Maguire, and the teacher made a comment, and all the kids laughed at me.

I remember classmates giving me weird reactions when I shared whatever anime I was into at the time. I remember the constant threat of being squated in school, where showing how sleepy I am, zoning out, not ironing my uniform, or even smiling at teachers would get me in trouble.

"You can't be yourself. Speaking your truth will get you in trouble. Behave yourself around people or you will be punished for it severely! Do as little as possible, stay out of sight, and be invisible. This will let you do what you want alone, by yourself, somewhat comfortably."

"There's something wrong with me." "I'm broken. I've always been broken. I'll be broken forever." 

"I need to do things, I'm obligated to serve others, because if I don't achieve great things, I'm a worthless, disgusting, irredeemable, monster loser, burden on this Earth who doesn't deserve to live, but no matter what I try to do, I can't do anything anyway because I'm worthless and broken."

Oh God! Jesus Christ holy shit, where the hell did that come from!? I didn't make that shit up; it literally came out of my chest. I can't believe I've been carrying that shit around, like what the actual fuck?

My goodness, I feel so much better, like I can almost take a full breath. What the actual fuck, man? Where the fuck does this shit come from!? Looking at this now, it all makes sense. No wonder I did an irresponsible amount of drugs with no consideration of the consequences...

No wonder I stuff my mouth or mindlessly scroll for hours any chance I get. I genuinely believe all that... huh. Now it makes sense why I sought out women who weren't interested in me romantically so desperately.

They were just nice to me, and I was drowning for love, care, attention, affection, appreciation, understanding, and celebration. I was so desperate for acceptance, of a loving embrace from someone I was attracted to, like fighting for air when you're suffocating to death. I bought shame upon myself.

I thought myself weak, needy, and pathetic. I pushed away women who were interested in me, especially when they got too close, because I was afraid of being abandoned after I learned to rely on them and let them in. 

So I sought out so many friends, but I never let anyone get too close. Those are the biggest ones, I suppose. Let me repeat them now:

"I'm weak, pathetic, needy, and lonely. No one loves me because I'm just a burden to those around me. They put up with me because they must, but they actually hate who I am as a person. I need to change myself completely. I need to become unrecognizable. I need to make a real positive difference in the lives of others. I need to earn my place in this world, or I don't deserve to live. 

I need to become a great person to become worthy of love, care, and attention. I was born alone, I've always been alone, and I will die alone unless I completely transform every aspect of myself. I'm fat, ugly, annoying, and disgusting. No one wants to get close to me.

I'm slow, dumb, unless, and stupid. I'm incapable of making a positive difference in the lives of other people. I'm not good at anything. I have no useful talents or good ideas. No one really cares about what I have to say. They all just want me to disappear. I'm too incompetent, dull, and unoriginal to be valuable to anyone. Of course, they will throw me away as soon as they can."

That's at the heart of my core, repetitive negative beliefs. I didn't realise it was that bad, or maybe I just forgot. It gets easier when I smoke weed, drink alcohol, watch porn, eat junk, or consume content. I don't feel all those things when I do all that.

That's another thing, these aren't really conscious words floating around my head, but more like knots and emotions in my body. But when I sought them out and kind of untangled them, these thoughts came flooding back, and I do remember thinking these things at certain points in time.

Now that I've discovered these beliefs, it's time to relabel them. This is very important, and I want to pay full attention.

"It's not true that I'm worthless. It's not true that I don't deserve to live. It's not true that I'm forever broken. It's not true that everyone hates me. It's not true that no one loves me. I'm not fat, ugly, annoying, or disgusting.

I'm not unlovable. It's simply not true that no one finds me attractive. It's not true that I need to achieve great things or make a huge impact just to deserve to live. It's not true that I'm a burden. It's not true that I'm weak, pathetic, needy, or lonely. It's not true that no one loves me, and I'm not a burden to those around me. It's not that I'm unworthy; I just have a belief that I'm unworthy.

It's not true that I need to transform myself or become someone else to deserve to live. It's not true that I need to become unrecognizable to be worthy of love, care, and attention. I just have a thought that says those things. I just have a belief or a thought that tells me I'm unlovable. It's not true that I'm worthless. I just have a thought or a belief that tells me so."

Oh God. Jesus Christ, that was hard. I really felt that. You know, at first, when I wrote those negative beliefs, I cried from the core of my chest, which always feels so tight. The pain, it shot straight through my core. 

The second time I wrote a compilation of all the recurring negative thoughts, I felt very little. I thought I was nearing the end of the value I would get from this exercise. But then, when I wrote that first, "It's not true..." I started bawling again. 

I really felt that so strongly, like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, as Robbin Williams says, "It's not your fault." again and again. I found parts of myself resisting, the same parts that cried when the wounds emerged; they recoiled and fought back against the relabelling rather violently.

Parts of me didn't want to believe, but I think I broke some new ground by the end there. On to step 2.

Part #2: Reattribute

"This belief that I'm worthless, the thought that I'm unworthy of love, and the idea that I need to earn my place in the world to justify my existence, these are all just my brain sending me a familiar old message. 

It's just a message from the past that's familiar. It's not true and has nothing to do with my current reality. It's just an old brain circuit, send me an old familiar message. A familiar pattern that's playing out its course. That's all it is, you know? That's all it is. A faint flicker of an old electrical signal.

These horrible ideas about myself are just the echo of an old message that my brain is sending to me. The message that tells me to protect myself, to brace myself for an incoming emotional, verbal, or physical attack." 

When I told myself that I'm unworthy of love, it was just a defense mechanism, because the reality that my parents and caretakers, who I was completely dependent on for all my needs, were ill-equipped to care for me was far too terrifying.

I took it upon myself to change. I took on the responsibility for my unmet needs. I learned that I had to be different in order to receive love, care, and attention, because if I didn't, I'd have to face the hostile, scary world all alone.

After going out in the world, I realised that it was impossible for me. I didn't realise that I was perfect exactly as I was, that I had so many great things to share with the world, no wonder it was impossible to change, I was already perfect. 

So, I felt like I had to change in order to be seen, heard, held, and understood, but I couldn't change perfection without worsening it. That's why no matter what I did, it only caused harm, and I learned to disappear by doing as little as possible.

Now, when things go wrong, and I feel like I'm unable to do what I must to become worthy of love, I start panicking, and all those old familiar beliefs come flooding back. No matter, they are nothing more than old familiar messages that my brain sends me. Things that have worked for us in the past.

Part #3: Refocus

The third step is a bit of a side step. Gabor says that when you find yourself deep in those thoughts, saying you are unlovable and unworthy, find something else to focus on. Once you have felt, heard, and accepted them as much as possible, redirect your energies to something more positive.

Consciously do something that engages you. Go for a walk, look at some flowers, or listen to some music. Pick something you enjoy, preferably something physical that keeps you active. Or try to remind yourself that some healing did happen.

Do this for 5-15 minutes. I will now go for a walk and listen to some music. Actually, I went to sleep and spent the next two days in depression instead. It's strange, this exercise opened the Pandora's box for me and activated this entire circuitry that I had forgotten about.

Was it a mistake? Is it better to devote all my attention to simply building the future instead of dredging up the past? Well, no, not at all, because I still had these wounds inside me that were festering, and their remenents were effectively draining me constantly.

Just because I didn't pay attention to them for years does not mean they weren't there. In fact, I'm certain that the slightest bit of difficultry, stress, or pressure would have made them burst out in horrible ways, and they wouldn't be directed at me.

The tightness in my chest and constant irritation should serve as proof. Plus, it's not about building the future, but to be more fulfilled, grounded, and engaged in the present. Consider what those words mean. Grounded, as in Earthed, anchored, deeply rooted, and freely flowing.

Engaged, as in intertwined, embracing, at one with, and connected. Fulfilled, as in so full of the present moment, the only real thing that ever exists, that there is no room for anything else, so that the mind is empty, imagination and memory gently simmering in the background, and the present image in front.

That's what this exercise is all about. Consciously letting go of everything and breathing in the present moment, the greatest gift that's open to us all. At times, the present might be unbearable, and that brings up horrible nightmares from deep within. It's okay to lean into it. Everything lives in the now.

Without the ability to simply be, I cannot do the inner work properly. Absence, presence, fullness, and emptiness, they all go hand-in-hand. The echoes of past pain that I carry, the visions of the future, they all exist in the present. 

They're all mere images, projections, and memories. Illusory mirages and protective habits that ebb and flow in response to the environment. Yes, I should monitor and adjust the external as much as possible, but true power, security, and saftey comes from a deeper confidence forged in the one and only furnace.

Once I gazed so deeply and clearly within, I saw the damage that pulled my strings, tugging and tearing my body apart by ripping open the wounds of my past. Those things happened and I felt the pain very strongly. To acknowedge that is love. Respecting it and paying tribute is wisdom.

It's okay to feel the pain even now. It's okay to carry on with it. They are guardian angels, protecting me from death, chaos, suffering, and destruction. To mourn the past and the potential lost is okay. Feeling tightness in my chest and wishing that things had been different is even better.

It means that I love myself so deeply that I wish the very best for myself. It means that I wish the same for the whole world as well. Feeling the pain and regret of the world, wanting for it to be better, is the same drive expressed differently. The same energy directed outward.

However, it's better spent focusing inwards. Inside me, I can make a real difference. I can see how the pain turns into stress, and watch it dissolve ever so slowly, with every single breath, as it unravels into tears of regret and suffering. These are the tears of compassion, the essence of my humanity.

As I sit here, with closed eyes, looking inward, breathing slowly, noticing the discomfort, letting the urge to stretch, pull, and resist arise, boil over, and slowly disapper, I am healing myself and transforming pain into progress, and experience into enlightenment.

A couple of days rotting in bed, for a lifetime full of freedom. Hardly a choice, if you ask me, but an incredibly brave one nonetheless. So yes, I carry the pain that I felt, and it will stay with me forever, because I want it to. I need it to remind me of what truly matters to me.

It's not fuel for the fire. That is far too mechanical and artificial. It's an affirmation of life. It's proof of my existence. It's the prize of venturning out and feeling my limits pushed against the world's. It's the beauty of mortality. The bliss of life. There is no greater gift than paying the price of vulnerability.

There is no higher achievement than to put it all on the line and to watch it burn down, breaking into a million pieces, and instead of wanting to start anew, choosing to keep going in all your glory. That's the only thing that ever mattered. 

There is no victory without struggle. No love without hate. No pleasure without pain. See it, feel it, love it, and embrace it. Then, anyone can become truly invulnerable. That is the essence of who we all are. That is the magic at our deepest core: The Sacred Alchemy of our Soul.

The mind, heart, and gut will always break off into different pieces, until we engage them fully with their true purpose. I'm still learning about the latter two, but the mind I'm most familiar with, and it needs to know the plan and see the full picture, at least symbolically.

If our mental landscapes are incompatimble with our life experience, the mind will never be at peace. If I'm working hard everyday to achieve some kind of qualitative improvement, and all I get is more pain, my ego will never rest, for it does not know its role.

But if I have a more helpful perspective, one that acknowledges the pain, embraces the present, and knows the future it is creating, it will be more at peace. It won't reassess everything and break at the slightest bit of pressure. It will stay focused on what truly matters, and remain steadfast in its efforts.

Now the question comes, what shall I focus my efforts on?

Part #4: Revalue/Re-Evaluate

What is the actual value of these negative beliefs in my life? What is the impact of believing that I'm worthless, unloved, unlovable, broken, and a burden? How does it affect me when I push myself to be something completely different in order to be loved, seen, heard, and accepted?

How do I think, feel, and act when I believe myself to be a fat, ugly, disgusting, irredeemable, flithy, hopeless, and worthless monster who is doomed to suffer forever? Well, I go a good glimpse of it in the past few days.

It makes me freeze, buries me in darkness, and makes me want to kill myself. It makes me bitter and resentful of others, filling me with rage and destructive desires. I felt like hurting others for their good fortune or putting them out of their misery.

It's a deep, dark, miserable way to live, and I know it all too well. I spent years feeling this way, ruminating in the dreadful chaos within me. Yet, God's grace reached me all the same. Good things happened again and again.

The biggest impact of these beliefs is that I stop living, and survival itself becomes a burden. It corrupts everything I touch if left unchecked. Every single source of joy and pleasure transforms into unphathomable, excrutiating pain that turns into numbness.

Life loses color. Death starts feeling warm and comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a valid reaction to an imperfect world. It's a sign that I care and that I'm invested. However, after a while it becomes horribly suffocating.

I don't have to carry my darkness as a badge. Doing so offers little comfort and endless pain. Standing still in a scary world that's rushing nowhere is extremely sane. Yet, we are not stranded on a rudderless ship anymore. We can fix things up and choose a direction. 

I can be more than I have been so far. I can't help but be more, and that can be scary. So, yes, while the hatred makes me feel safe, it actually ends up destroying me and everything that matters. Indeed, these beliefs keep me depressed, hopeless, isolated, and stuck. 

All that makes me feel weak, small, and powerless. It leaves me numb, scared, and alone.

Part #5: Recreate

What will it take for me to heal? Is there something that makes this pain worthwhile? Can I imagine something that makes me want to keep moving forward inspite of it all? In Gabor's words:

"What has created your identity, thus far? You've been acting out of ingrained mechanisms wired into your brain before you had a choice in the matter. And out of those automatic mechanisms and long-ago programed beliefs, you have created the life that you now have.

It is time to recreate. To imagine a different life, one truly worth choosing.

You have values. You have passions. You have intension, talent, capability, and the desire to contribute. In your heart there is love, and you want to connect with the love in the world, etc. So what kind of values do you want to see manifested in your life?

What kind of life do you want to envision for yourself?"

I think the best answer will come from deep within. I want to focus on the values I want to see manifested in my life. Love, power, and freedom are the biggest one by far. The freedom to breathe, move, think, feel, speak, and act openly. 

The freedom to be myself more fully. The power to face hardships and difficulty without being broken. To get stronger by being courageous enough to feel my pain fully, thereby healing more deeply. Being courageous enough to take a chance on new things, again and again.

Having the bravery to pick myself up and dust off every single failure, hurt, and abysmal defeat. Nurturing the strength to slow down, but to never give in. To keep going however imperfectly. To empower, inspire, encourage, and support others in their journeys.

The loving compassion for myself, those around me, and the whole world at large. The freedom to choose love. The power to do it again and again, after every block and every ebb/retreat. It means to "suffer with" those around me.

It's about trying to understand the cause of their suffering, recognising our connection, identifying the same within me, being committed to see the truth (no matter how painful or difficult), and seeing beyond the clouds (and even silver linings) at the rainbow peaks on the horizon. 

What do these universal values look like for me? How will they manifest themselves within me? How can they become one with my identity, thoughts, beliefs, feelings, words, and actions? What does life look like in my dreams? The answer lies underneath...

Well, my calling is no secret to anybody: I want to become a proper fucking storyteller. A writer, thinker, problem-solver, and artist. I want to share the magic and wonder of myth-making with as many as possible. 

I want them to see the real values of world-class stories in their own lives. Many of my goals and ambitions are built on rotten ground. I have these ciruits that tell me I want to master myself and my body. That I must make a ton of money and touch the lives of many.

Looking within, I can see it clearly. These things just fill me with anxiety! A deperate sprawl to gain control, like gripping & grasping the dirt as I slip and slide off a cliff. That's not the right energy. Here's another big one: I have no enemey.

Every trigger, any upset, tremor, ruthless indignation, disturbing act of injustice or rage-filled outburst, all these external things that throw me off balance, ALL OF THEM, are the result of straying off my one true path.

So, it's just as important to know what isn't my ideal life. Every thing that pisses me off about other people, every time I feel angry because I feel like my ideals and identity are being trampled over, it's a wound causing me sadness and my heart to ache.

But who wants to sit around crying about everything all the time? I didn't think I did. So I got all tense and took up arms in protest, to protect my very self by fighting against imaginary monsters on the outside. Alas, I found NONE that my weapons could reach.

There were no monsters out there. There never was any. Just like shadows on the wall in Plato's cave allegory, I swung at my own reflections and found no mercy. Seeing it clearly now, I feel a peace so profound that I feel unworthy.

That small recognition opened my heart, freed my chest, and unshackled all my boundaries. Now, with this newfound perspective, what do I really want to do? What life do I want to live? What work do I want to do? How do I want to spend every single day of my life? 

I think I'm beginning to see it all unfold presently. Regardless of the particular expression of it, I see movement in my life. Physically leaning into discomfort, is there any greater practice or form of prayer to remind me of these past few sacred revelations?

Whether it's walking, jogging, running, jumping, pushing, pulling, yoga, tai chi, calisthenics, or something more social like dancing, hiking, or combat sports. In fact, while discipline and consistency will create flow and momentum, I prefer the variety.

The point is to systematically celebrate this newfound freedom within my body, as a thankful prayer, because all this love needs somewhere to go, and leaning against resistance lets it flow. It's a gentle reminder to look within, a regular, consistent source of beingness to feel more in control.

It's letting myself settle peacefully into the present moment, and allowing any blocks, knots, and sores to throb, glow, and ultimately release the tension, making room for growth. 

Remarkably, this vision of fitness does not make me excitedly restless like previous ones have, ready to start fresh perfectly from zero. Instead, it flows more naturally, like effortlessly swaying in the wind, something I would do with my eyes closed.

That's a great way to feel power, as well. Feel how weak you are by keeping in touch with your vulnerabilities. Push against your physical limits to grow stronger, even as you feel weaker. In feeling your weakness and pushing further, there is growth, movement, and momentum.

I suppose I really only need 3 things to build a good life. One that makes me money, another to keep me fit, and a third that keeps me connected to other people by strengthening relationships. To me, money is all about freedom, and freedom is all about discipline.

The discipline to show up every single day and work on the same thing gives me the freedom to pick any damn thing I'd like. But am I choosing it, or is it choosing me? All I know is that I want to focus on learning for a few more years before I start earning.

I still want to write better, learn hard skills, and practice my art before I get a job for financial gain. I have blogs I want to write for sharing amazing ideas and experiences. I want to write about the things I love the most in new and interesting ways. 

I want to share them and give people the joys of those amazing stories before creating my own. I want to share my biggest learnings and guide others who tread roads less travelled. I also want to learn coding, graphic design, advertisement, and other hard skills that will help me throughout my life.

Learning things to feed my curiosity and writing passionately is one thing, but I also want to make a real difference in the lives of other people. That's why I want to write a book about the biggest, most helpful ideas I have ever come across. 

After I write all of them down in one place, do some deep research, polish, refine, and edit, I would be familiar enough with the subjects to offer real-life practical insights to people. I can go out and talk to them. I can tell them things that might be helpful.

I also want to write, draw, and create some incredible stories. I believe there is nothing more impactful or healthy for a culture. That's why I want to share the works of other creators as well. My own stories would be special, but there is so much amazing stuff out there already.

I'm also interested in learning and teaching about life skills. Agriculture, cooking, spinning, weaving, building, and things like that. I genuinely want to help people through media. I want to move people and make a palpable positive difference in their lives.

I believe that media has that power. Stories, film, photographs, music, sounds, light, colors, visuals, symbols, values, and narratives have that incredible power to make lasting change. They allow us to forge ourselves and direct the trajectories of our lives.

In a perfect world, I can say that I spend an hour or three on coding, the same on writing, and the rest on art. I could even plan my weeks to squeeze in photography, editing, ad strategy, targeting, web design, development, videography, sound design and much more very consistently.

As things stand, I genuinely do not know how to go about it. I just know that I really want to do it all before settling for another basic-ass job to pay the bills. I know that I can join an office, do my best there for 9 hours, and still work on one project at a time for an hour or two a day.

I know that I can write a book or two, maybe even plan an entire comic book that way in a few years. Yet, all jobs I've done had a strange way of drifting me off course. Admittedly, I feel more confident than ever, with the revelations I've made the past few days.

The way I feel right now, it all seems possible. But that is where I need so much more discipline to truly empower me to fall in love with these things organically. The way I see it, the pursuit of any one value is tied into another. 

Together, they weave the life of my dreams. I know I need to apply discipline and deep focus in order to find my freedom. However, I will have to stumble my way into it to the best of my abilities. Perhaps I can squeeze in a bit of art, tech, and writing in every day?

That would make any day a good day. Of course, there is also the matter of making money. I genuinely want nothing more than to take my mother's business off the ground and into the Stratosphere. I do want to research, write, design, and create so much for her.

I want to attract the right people to kick things off in a proper way. For now, I am doing my best, even if it feels slow and uneven. I should also admit that it brings me an unbelievable amout of joy and self satisfaction to do whatever I am trying every single day.

Even if it's an idea for a blog about my favorite shows, movies, and TV. Or some random personal brand logos, blog thumbnails, or some shit like that, it feels like I'm enjoying life's greatest luxuries at my own pace, and I no longer wish to associate this with an impending sense of doom.

Yes, I'm watching things I love, talking to people, and taking my time. I spend many days sleeping or rotting in bed, or other days writing gibberish here from my heart, exploring where ever these ideas would take me. 

The past few days, I could never regret. This dark night of the soul, the deep soul-searching, and writing down what I've been experiencing... Noting down in precise terms the kind of life I want to live. I really wanted to have all this and I'm very happy.

Of course, I want to draw more, actually write some stories, finish my book, publish real content, write whole ass websites with tons of blogs, shoot, edit, and share videos on all kinds of things, learn coding better, make some cool websites, mess around with code, do more things with cooking, and so much more!

Yet, I am still incredibly happy to struggle with consistency and discipline. Perhaps that's part of the freedom. Indeed, I want to earn some actual money as well and be of use to other people. But more importantly, I want to do it in a way that I can be proud of, and that takes as long as it takes.

There is a real genuine sense of urgency, some of which might be trauma and anxiety wanting me to avoid being thrown away by others, but also some genuine excitement. How wonderful would it be to actually do things that make a difference?

How cool would it be to show people that they can make more money than they know what to do with by doing what they love in their own way? How amazing would it feel to then give the rest away? I can't deny my genuine sorrow for the state of things in turmoil.

I can never look away from the horrors of my time and feel like they need someone, they need everyone they can get. I want nothing more than to support them as much as possible, as early as possible. I want to make a real difference in the lives of others. 

I want to help those who need it the most, so that others will never have to face the same pain as me. I want to help other heal, to empower them and build bridges of love and understanding. I want to so this more than anything else. 

All my work that is supposed to bring me money, is aimed at that one thing. I want to help people grow by helping other people. I want to make kindness, compassion, and courage profitable. I want to be part of the solution. 

As for the third thing, I call people every chance I get. I text them when I think of them, which is quite often. I think that is more than enough, because I also try to hang out as much as possible. I believe the rest will come through my work.

When I write, draw, share and create things, it will bring others closer to me. Together, we will strengthen our connection and lead each other to victory, so that others may find their way out of darkness. I want to be a lighthouse in this chaotic world that guide people to saftey.

All this is still very vague so let's see if I can break it down into something more concrete. In every day, I need to practice the following:

1. Grounding Prayer of Celebration: Moving, exerting, and being fully present in my body. Checking in with how I feel. Release tension and sorrow by crying regularly. Healing inner wounds by paying attention to myself. Focusing on my inner reality instead of finding external enemies. Build myself rather than tear down others. This should happen at least three times a day.
2. Solving & Building: Making things for the world. Solving problems for others. Writing my book, blogs, or working on Kishti.
3. Learning & Growing: Developing my skills. Designing, note-making, reading, shooting, editing, or mostly learning how to code. Absorb more information to better follow my dreams.
4. Being Myself: Sitting around and doing nothing. Listening to music. Connecting with others. Doing chores. Watching things I like. Engaging in my favorite experiences in life. Cycling or something lol I dunno. Definitely gaming.
5. Creating: Making things for myself. Writing stories. Character design. Drawing sketches. Writing my own things. Exploring ideas I find interesting. Expressing myself and my deepest emotions.

When it comes down to it, the fourth point comes naturally, so I just only really have to practice four things every single day to create an amazingly beautiful life for myself. That's all I have to say, I suppose. 

The rest, is history lol.