My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I've been reading David Goggins's Can't Hurt Me for a few days now, and I've just finished the first chapter. Much to my surprise, the man challenges his readers at the end of every chapter. I have my own thing going on here, but I will definitely give this incredible man his due diligence. David shared his life story and all the bad cards he had been dealt, which he had struggled with his entire life. Real, harsh shit which actually holds him back even today. His challenge to me is that I must make a whole damn list of all my shit which holds me back. Nothing came to mind immediately, since focusing on problems tends to morph into excuses, I'm not in the habit of keeping a list. Nevertheless, I believe David is talking about facing facts rather than seeking excuses. Already this is something new that I had not considered: deep-mining to air out all your rotten, toxic, twisted bullshit whose grotesque extremities quietly creep into our skin, pulling our stings from ...

Is control a bad thing? Is it a futile attempt? In all honesty, it is utterly exhausting to come up with a revelation every day. Today I would like to say that nothing has changed from yesterday, and nothing will change tomorrow. I have failed at living an ideal childhood, and I am failing as an adolescent. I have been unable to build anything for myself. I have been unable to achieve discipline, momentum, wealth, skills, or anything of that sort. I thought I discovered in my heart of hearts an unalienable part of myself that said to me benevolently, "You don't have to work a day in our life unless you want to! Life doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. You can do what you want and still be happy." Today I feel like that is a worthless statement. Just like anything else I've ever come up with. I believed myself today when I realized that the reason nobody loves me is that I am absolutely worthless. I never have done anything worthwhile and I may never be capable of ...

Yesterday was a great day off. I decided I won't do anything productive at all to get some rest so I can continue to give my all for the next week. I talked to a friend, watched anime, ate good food, watched the new Avatar, and watched the FIFA finale. It was all so amazing. It was difficult not to do anything though because I really wanted to. I had built up to it the whole week after all. The habits were starting to form. The work was gaining momentum. I didn't get great sleep last night and slept feeling hungry. Today I woke up late feeling lazy, ate breakfast asap, and didn't do shit. I didn't do anything at all. My room was a mess. When I tried to do something I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done. Nevermind my basic obligations, but all the secondary things like cooking and shit. So I ended up lazing around all day, jacking off(literally too), and then over eating to relax. Now I pretty much feel like shit. It's late again and I w...