My Journey

Accountability Mirror I did the accountability mirror, even though I thought it was cringey and dumb while reading it. I thought that this was not how it worked. I'd written down my goals before, although that was far more lax. You rile yourself up, push yourself with great effort, and make a little progress, and then you crash, burn, and fall back two steps after taking only one. That's what I did. Still, I had heard David speak, I'd looked him in his eyes as he did, and I deeply respected the man. I was determined to give this a real shot. I read the challenge at night, woke up in the morning, and when I wrote down my goals on the sticky notes, I was sincere. I wrote down all the big ones, and while speaking to myself, I gave myself tasks for the day to make progress on each one. After many years, I felt like I was making some real progress yesterday. I didn't get much sleep, and I didn't complete them all. Today, I woke up feeling disheartened, and didn't hav...

Is control a bad thing? Is it a futile attempt? In all honesty, it is utterly exhausting to come up with a revelation every day. Today I would like to say that nothing has changed from yesterday, and nothing will change tomorrow. I have failed at living an ideal childhood, and I am failing as an adolescent. I have been unable to build anything for myself. I have been unable to achieve discipline, momentum, wealth, skills, or anything of that sort. I thought I discovered in my heart of hearts an unalienable part of myself that said to me benevolently, "You don't have to work a day in our life unless you want to! Life doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. You can do what you want and still be happy." Today I feel like that is a worthless statement. Just like anything else I've ever come up with. I believed myself today when I realized that the reason nobody loves me is that I am absolutely worthless. I never have done anything worthwhile and I may never be capable of ...

I've been stressing out about my relationships my entire life. The lack of a romantic one, the superficiality of my paternal ones, the lack of depth in the ones with my siblings, and the consistent inconsistency in all of my friendships. I've always heard that you're born alone and you die alone, and you're pretty much always alone so better get used to it. I remember when I was younger, I used to fantasize about it. How weak these simp like men were who were being controlled by women. How wonderful a truly independent life would be. How ideal. How freeing.  To my mind now, only my brother Bhuvan seems to be living an ideal life. Full of challenges for sure, not without his own share of terrible suffering, but still happy, and kind. Never allowing himself to get bitter and depressed. That's what it seems to me now anyway. Past few days I've been going back and forth on it. On one hand I thought the new year and the Christmas weekend are a time to socialise and b...