My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I've been reading David Goggins's Can't Hurt Me for a few days now, and I've just finished the first chapter. Much to my surprise, the man challenges his readers at the end of every chapter. I have my own thing going on here, but I will definitely give this incredible man his due diligence. David shared his life story and all the bad cards he had been dealt, which he had struggled with his entire life. Real, harsh shit which actually holds him back even today. His challenge to me is that I must make a whole damn list of all my shit which holds me back. Nothing came to mind immediately, since focusing on problems tends to morph into excuses, I'm not in the habit of keeping a list. Nevertheless, I believe David is talking about facing facts rather than seeking excuses. Already this is something new that I had not considered: deep-mining to air out all your rotten, toxic, twisted bullshit whose grotesque extremities quietly creep into our skin, pulling our stings from ...

"It's not wrong to be selfish. It's actually the most beautiful thing a person can be.  To be selfish means to be yourself." - You tell me who said that in the comments without googling it I 've   heard many people being called selfish for many things, none of which could be considered particularly admirable. Unfortunately due to some incompetence, ignorance, and arbitrary occurrences we have arrived at a culture that misrepresents the value of selfishness and demonizes the supposed selfish individual. Not without good reason either, but my point remains. My point being that the word selfish, just like every other word you think you know, needs to be redefined. That's a great practice btw, notice how when you're reading something you sometimes work out the meaning of the word from the context in which it's used? Well, guess what? Most of the words you know have been learned in the same manner, by assumption rather than inquiry. By someone giving it to ...

Ever since I can remember I've always had difficulty in being consistent. Now I've always bought into the idea that, "You could be anything you set your mind to" and this difficulty always seemed to me like the biggest hurdle between who I've been and who I've wanted to become. Everything I've done seems to have happened in phases. Always fluctuating from anime, to gaming, to reading, writing etc. It seemed like the only certainty was that things are always changing. But the most apparent of all these twists and turns was my constant cycle of wanting to become better, a.k.a. obsessive self- improvement, to downright apocalyptic indifference, where I would just abuse my senses via food, drugs, pornography, or all of the above, expecting to be annihilated as son as possible, a.k.a. self-destruction. I'd say it would be best described as a cycle between boundless optimism and cynical nihilism. Phase 1  Phase 2. Repeat till death. Now I...