My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

For quite some time it has seemed like I am stuck and need to do more. I suppose it's more about not making enough progress than being stuck. This folly may have caused many of my older derailments. Something is definitely different this time though. I am not looking for any alternatives as an escape from this lifestyle. I no longer wish I could order junk food or smoke up or have a drink to make myself feel better. It feels a bit like I have internally burned my bridges and my boats at the shore. It seems like I have for the first time gone all in.  I am glad about that. I did take it a little easy today. I was starving at breakfast time so I overate a bit, which made me sleepy around noon. I was also sore from yesterday and worried that taking a nap would only ruin my sleep schedule, but I took one anyway. It was rather refreshing and relaxing. I did a little outlining for my own story before the nap and after waking up I just watched this new anime I found called Jobless Reincar...

My dear cousin brother came to visit me last week, the day after I wrote my last entry here. We drank together and he shared a lot of his experiences with me while we caught up while sitting on the roof. I don't know how long it had been since I last saw him but I'm glad he was able to come. He has always been one of my favorite people, he's warm, kind, and very charming. Charming is a quality made up of equal parts warmth and competence. That is an interesting thing I learnt recently. I also learned a lot of other things these past few days. The first and foremost thing I learned was what a huge fucking failure I am. The realization came to me rather matter of factually instead of some heavy dreadful bashing that I beat myself up over. Because I also realised that no one I cared about, literally no one that mattered would care about my failures more than I ever would. So what's the point of beating yourself up if you're on the same team? I never critisize someone w...