My Journey

I've experienced something interesting. It was essentially a 2-hour lecture by Dr. Gabor Mate on healing. The first thing I want to note down was his understanding of compassion and the 5 levels of it: Ordinary Human Compassion: When you feel pain, so do I. This first level is something almost all of us are capable of some of the time. It's important but very basic. It feels uncomfortable when seeing the homeless and painful when hearing an animal cry out. It's what drives people to console someone who is crying, in hopes of making them stop. Compassion of Understanding: Going deeper to ask, "Why the pain?" This is essentially a deeper level of empathy that takes a closer look, seeking to understand someone with curiosity. It's about wanting to know who a person is, beyond their present behavior. It's what might drive someone to have a real, heart-to-heart conversation with someone to understand why they were crying. Compassion of Recognition:  Gabor des...

Accountability Mirror I did the accountability mirror, even though I thought it was cringey and dumb while reading it. I thought that this was not how it worked. I'd written down my goals before, although that was far more lax. You rile yourself up, push yourself with great effort, and make a little progress, and then you crash, burn, and fall back two steps after taking only one. That's what I did. Still, I had heard David speak, I'd looked him in his eyes as he did, and I deeply respected the man. I was determined to give this a real shot. I read the challenge at night, woke up in the morning, and when I wrote down my goals on the sticky notes, I was sincere. I wrote down all the big ones, and while speaking to myself, I gave myself tasks for the day to make progress on each one. After many years, I felt like I was making some real progress yesterday. I didn't get much sleep, and I didn't complete them all. Today, I woke up feeling disheartened, and didn't hav...

When I used to work in the kitchen, the work was simple. Show up, do as you're told, give a good service, ensure smooth operations by upholding the SOPs, go home, rinse and repeat. It wasn't easy and it was extremely tedious at times, but goddamnit it was simple. I wasn't passionate about food as such, just willing to do good work. The many months when I hated it and did not want to do it, I still showed up and did my job. That's what professionals do, you know? Unfortunately, after a good few years of trying, it seems I am still no professional writer. I struggle a lot with motivation, procrastination, and just being unable to move. I figured it was because of the industry; there aren't exactly SOPs and protocols to follow in creative writing. I thought it was a systemic issue; There was an inherent need for me to use my brain, which somehow warranted motivation, or so I thought. I figured that in the kitchen, I was simply going through the motions, just following ...

Now, now, no need to fuss anymore, see? I'm typing here. My hands are moving fast, and the words are flowing on the page. That's all that matters, isn't it? Here I've been spending my days lying back and taking it easy. That too, after hustling and rushing for what feels like way too long. Every day, getting up frantically, underslept and chronically unfit. Making my way to those dead walls with dead people, rushing to a red light. "No more!" I said. So I quit, and now I'm supposed to be working from home. But fuck it, I thought, might as well take it easy for a while. True breaks are hard to come by in adult life, unless carved out through blood and bone.  I've just been smoking up and taking it easy. Binge-watching, eating, sleeping, and fucking (my fist lol). But now that I'm forced to go sober again, my head's all fucked up. See, I know I'm an addict. I know I have issues, I've always struggled with substance abuse, but I'm sick...

Frederick Neitzsche said that you are your own worst enemy. Words that became popular because of how profoundly they resonated with anyone who heard them. "You" and "Enemy" stand out here. You meaning the ego and enemy being an entity that would bring you harm. Thors said that you don't have any enemies. There is no one in existence whom it's okay to cause harm. There is no justification for brutality. There is no redemption in destruction. Whatever is, grows further. These words have never left me ever since I had heard them.  I must admit that I am inclined to lean toward Thors statements, although the two aren't contradictory. The ego is not a solid recognizable enitity, nor is it a multi layered mental construct. The onion analogy is useful for describing the nature of the ego, but there is a little more to it. The way I see it, ego is a phenomenon. It's an experience that happens to some living creatures. It's like a spell cast by the enviro...

I'll never make it as an artist. I lack too much in talent. I'll never make it as a director. I am too introverted. I'll never become rich. I am just too careless. I'll never find love. I have never found companionship thus far. But I never thought I'd make it this far. Why does my mind wage war against me every time I try to break free? For once in my life, I wish to be alone. For the first time ever, I feel like a real man. The truth shines brightly within my heart.  I am happy to suffer more. I have made it here already.

Nobody wants to be a writer. It's much better to let those magical thoughts, images, and ideas remain like magic. So much better to let things remain unsaid. Who wants to remove the veil that shrouds certainty? To know is to be burdened with awareness. It's responsible, sensible, and sound. It all seems so dreadfully dull on the page, drenched in black and white. Why would anyone wish to take that vibrant idea, so colorful and free, and imprison it into words, open to analysis, to be butchered, dissected, torn apart, and rearranged, until little to none of the original form remains?  Nobody wants to work on a single thing for years at a time. Looking at the same thing repeatedly in a vacuum, day after day, always thinking about it yourself, always working on it in your head. Nobody wants to be alone, working on a series of words to put their name on, something worth reading for other people, pouring all of their being and life energy into it, only for it to be released into the...

A warm cup of tea is fuel to the soul.  The plant grows in beautiful stretches of hilly plains where cascading shades of glistening green, sunlight, and shadows orchestrate a magnificent symphony with the wind. Its leaves breathe in fresh crisp air all year round, giving off a fragrance so blissful, such a heavenly aroma, that no man can deny it. Upon drying up the leaves under the sun, further condensing and fortifying the flavors, the leaves become a force to be reckoned with, able to give even the decadent vanilla bean a run for its money.  The British take these leaves and soak them in warm water, about 70-80 degrees Celsius for about 5-10 minutes, to extract all of this gorgeously refreshing flavor into the beverage. They were the ones who really bought it in India. The Indians saw it and thought of spices. Both of them: are devoured through the nose; Have powerful metabolic effects upon ingestion; Cannot be consumed on their own; Can be balanced with other tastes and fla...

I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I want to see come into this world very badly. The uncertainty that this current constant state of flux brings, where it seems like the future is more unpredictable than ever, arouses a real sense of urgency in me to prioritize these creative fruitions on one hand. Yet there is also a natural inclination I feel to just dive in head first into my creative process. I admit there is a sort of desperation that has arisen within me because of all this. I understand that being reckless is dangerous, and it can cause anxiety for others sometimes, but there is a deep faith within me that says that this is the way. Whether it makes sense or not to anyone else, whether it is actually feasible or not, or if its consequences will be predominantly good or bad. Even if it seems a bit extreme, risky, senseless even. Isn't that the true nature of faith, though? Isn't that what we call courage? Then there is that fundamental prerequisite, essential to the...

While nothing has changed on the one hand, nothing remains the same on the other. All the lives that have touched me and my experiences have changed me forever. I can never go back again. My mind has transformed along with my heart and soul. Something has clicked like never before. I learned a lot in the past two months. 2023 has been exceptionally good for me.  The last time I tried to fix myself I was trying my hardest but feeling like it was never enough. I had accepted that shitty feelings are part of the process and I just needed to keep going strong. I pushed myself really hard. I went above and beyond until I didn't. I crashed, failed, and burned to end up much worse off than I had started it seemed like.  This time is different, just like last time, and the one before. Each time I am leading with experience and none are alike to another. Starting off again, it is very clear to me that I have to pick that one thing and I have to prioritize the rest. That one nonnegotiab...