A Fresh Start

While nothing has changed on the one hand, nothing remains the same on the other. All the lives that have touched me and my experiences have changed me forever. I can never go back again. My mind has transformed along with my heart and soul. Something has clicked like never before. I learned a lot in the past two months. 2023 has been exceptionally good for me. 

The last time I tried to fix myself I was trying my hardest but feeling like it was never enough. I had accepted that shitty feelings are part of the process and I just needed to keep going strong. I pushed myself really hard. I went above and beyond until I didn't. I crashed, failed, and burned to end up much worse off than I had started it seemed like. 

This time is different, just like last time, and the one before. Each time I am leading with experience and none are alike to another. Starting off again, it is very clear to me that I have to pick that one thing and I have to prioritize the rest. That one nonnegotiable for me is my own writing. Engaging in my craft every single day is the single biggest source of satisfaction for me, ignoring it made me miserable last time.

I also realized that I need to meditate in hope of taming that great dragon within and learning to control it better. It's so clear to me what I need to do now and everything else just kind of falls away. To be this good-looking person, earning money, counting calories, working out, being warm, maintaining my relationships, appreciating the little things, spending time with my parents, finding a woman, making financial plans, searching for a job, a course, a college, working on my vocabulary, building my CV, improving my portfolio, building new skills, practicing the basics of drawing, maintaining my online blog, always be posting things for others to consume, hitting those numbers every single day and driving growth. 

A never-ending list of insignificant nonsense designed to keep you running on that wheel of your own creation, like a single soul drenched in the collective guilt of the entire humanity's sins. A perfect recipe for a ticking time bomb that implodes. I see now that it is all meaningless. All of it is absolutely useless, and I don't really care about any of it. The challenging demands of survival skew the set of values in forms of urgency and irrefutable assumptions about the nature of reality. Want to create an amazing new piece of art to feed your soul? Better hustle to make that side project a reality while you slave away to pull the chain that moves the earth. If you quit it'll all stop moving after all. 

In a world where attention is bought and sold, where content is king but marketing is content, where the creative process has collapsed into itself. In this world of ours where everyone has submitted to the supremacy of AI algorithms, we struggle to make decisions just like we always have. Except all of the things that flood over you on a daily basis are all pulling for your attention. It can be easy to forget to make the decision. It can seem sensible to delay making it. It all seems so damn important. Except here's the biggest piece of the puzzle, no one and nothing can choose what is important for you. It just doesn't work long-term.

We already have things that we know are important to us. The hard part is saying that all of this other garbage can wait, will wait, and will have to wait. You can only do one thing at a time. Make sure it's the right thing for you. 

I think it's pathetic. I find it repulsive. The insane set of assumptions that we carry around us or let float in the air sometimes. I think it is a life skill now to meditate. It can take a thousand different forms but the point is to be in control of your mind. The ability to unlearn and empty yourself, and then refocus and redirect. So I make those two things my new pillars: Always be writing my own crap, and always be taking stock of what I am carrying around within, emptying myself constantly as and when required. 

No longer will I allow myself to be influenced so deeply by everything around me. It is time for me to pledge allegiance, commit to my decisions, and stop letting distractions derail me.

What's that one thing that stands at the very top? What is the one single thing that I want, for which I will give up everything else? All you need is that clarity. All you need to do is choose. Pick that one thing, put every single thing you have to give into it, and push everything else away. That's all it takes to get it. That's how you find your place in the world, that's the secret to success, and that's how you find joy, happiness, and meaning. Through that one thing, you will see everything. That one thing will take you everywhere else you think you need to go. Picking that one thing though and then sticking with it is the part where you get to earn it.