Feeling Conflicted

I feel like I've been down this road before... but here I am again. I'm getting pulled in many different directions. I really want to develop certain skills. I want to become more useful and competent as a human being. Yet, I'm afraid that this is all too much and I feel like I'm spiraling and about to crash and curn again. 

I want to learn all the basics of marketing. I want to become better at writing, strategizing, and consulting businesses. I also want to become a better designer. I want to learn all the basics of all the softwares. I want to learn 3D animation, 2D animation, and graphic design. On one hand, I want to become a world-class master communicator that can whip out scripts, dialogue, and outlines out the whazoo.

I want to write amazing blogs and create brilliantly insightful videos. I want to write entire books so I can awe-inspire people with amazing speeches, lectures, and presentations. I also want to be an artist, because a picture is worth a thousand words. I want to draw a thousand boxes. I want to draw faces. I want to realistically capture, portray and visualise 3D objects on 2D spaces. 

I want to master anatomy, proportion, perspective, emotions, lighting, shading, and colors. I want to fail and draw horribly. I want to scribble away and draw till I bleed. All this, so I can make characters, scenes, buildings, and stories from my imaginations. I want to breathe creatures into life and personify the very forces of the universe into tangible forms. I want to capture all the ideas in the widest corners of my imagination.

I want to birth it all into this world. I need to do this more than anything else. I want to read a billions words and remember them at will. I want to hoard and organise massive arrays of information at my fingertips. I want to give into the obsessions that haunt me, I want to cave into my passions and forego all reason. That's just the beginning of the dream, a mere tip of an ocean full of icebergs.

Because I also want to code. I want to know what it's like to be an architect and an engineer. I want to learn science, maths, and history. I want to master building rapid expertise and push beyond my wildest imaginations to expand the limits of human sensibilities. I want to crush and destroy it all to smithereens. Why? Why so I need to learn how to code, draw, shoot, and create? Why do I need to do it all by myself?

Do I not trust other people? No, I trust them with all my heart to do their best. I believe that they will overcome and persevere, even when they trip and fail, again and again. Do I feel the need to justify my existence? Am I so pathetic that I need to prove myself worthy of love? Not at all. I love myself as I am completely, in all my fears, joys, dreams, ambitions, follies, and frolics. I believe that all life is inherently worthy as it is part of the universe itself.

No.... If it was anything like that, anything so weak and measley, I would have resolved it by now with therapy and self care. This, this is something completely different. I want to see how far I can push it. I want to do more than I could have ever comprehended. I want to fly too close to the sun, melt off all my wings, crash horrifically, and explode into smithereens. I want to get back up again, and finish the rest of the way running on broken feet and shattered knees. 

I want to do. I want to let myself get possessed by the spirits of the damned that died full of regrets. I want to do all this and more. I want to start businesses, launch campaigns, and shatter expectations. I want to destroy all of human existence just to make a difference. I want to change the world. 

There's a fire inside me that cannot be quentched. A rousing thirst that consumes me with every breath. The more I eat, the hungrier I get. All these feelings will never ever go away. I think it's high time that I accepted all this. I want to become an expert in textiles to build a proper business for my family. I want to learn coding, advertisement, copywriting, design, cooking, science, psychology, design, communication, and business to help them succeed.

I want to have a lasting impact. I want to create awesome change. I want to make the Earth itself rattle and quake with my very footsteps. I want to stop living so damn small and pretending myself to be so damn weak. Fuck power fantasies, I want to create a powerful reality. I want to transform myself and conquer the world. I want to create a whole brand, craft an amazing website, and launch my mom's business in a big way.

I want to cement systems, processes, and procedures to help them succeed. I want to be free. I want to fill notebooks upon notebooks with drawings, publish heaps of stories, and show the next generation that the world is their oyster. I want to show them that a failure and a loser can become a masterful coder, artist, and storyteller. I want to shoot, direct, and storyboard. 

All this and more. I'm sick and tired of minimizing myself and trying to manage my expectations. I'm will stop trying to adjust to the world and let it shackle me with its suffocating definitions. Here and now, I will stop letting them tell me what I can or cannot do. I can do whatever the hell I want to and there's nothing anyone else can do to stop me. 

I am boundless. I am the ultimate. I alone am the chosen one. It's not for the lucky few to ache, excel, and labor away to bear the weight of the world on their mighty shoulders. Anyone can choose to pick up the slack and walk the paths of titans. After all these years of fruitless fighting, I finally accept my mission. Do or die, sink or swim, win or fail, come what may, I no longer resist. The highest highs and the lowest lows, I am and will always remain here.