My Heart of Hearts

What is the purpose of life? Is it to do a lot of amazing things? When someone finds out they are going to pass away, they make a bucket list full of special experiences like skydiving, connecting with loved ones, or giving a speech in public.

But it's not the same as what we chase most days. Right now, all I'm trying to do is get smarter, better, faster, stronger. So I can get richer, powerful and more lovable. 

Part of me wants to jump in and say, "No! You're lovable even as you are, right here and now." Another part says, "Well then, why don't we have everything we need to be happy?"

I do have everything I need, but it doesn't feel enough. I had a dream last night where someone I really loved with all my heart for a long time, a kind, beautiful, and awesome woman, also loved me back for the first time ever.

It made me so happy my heart could explode. Don't we all deserve that? I woke up feeling a deep sense of lonliness. I wanted to become worthy of such love, but that thought is a trap!

Waiting for something you cannot control, just to start living your life... That's no way to live. If stressful triggers offer an opportunity to heal, then pain is power. Every adversity is a door to freedom. There was a time where I lamented being in "the middle."

Broken enough to be unhealthy, but comfortably lucky enough to not do anything about it. Well, looking in the mirror and feeling disgust. Thinking of how you spend time and feeling anxious. Seeking love outside and feeling lonliness.

Insecurity, pain, hopelessness... Could there be anything worse? Blessings and curses are freely available to us all. The question is, what do I need more of right now? Perhaps it's neither one. Sitting in silence and doing nothing can be so freeing.

"Is that all, then? Lying around, being miserable, & waiting to die!?" Not at all. The words that reignited my soul come rushing back: The world is big, so one day for sure, you'll find friends who'll protect you no matter what. "I WANT TO LIVE! Take me to the sea with you!"

Let them be a reminder. A good life is not about me, my self, and I. It's not even about finding my people, as such. It's about enjoying the ride. Part of that is doing something worthwhile, that challenges me to grow.

Part of THAT can be dealing with my self. When I feel unlovable, it's just an old familiar message repeating in my brain. Back when I was truly powerless, it allowed me to survive, even at the cost of self-betrayal.

I no longer need to betray myself. I can do what I want for the right reasons. I can be strong, free, healthy, and happy for its own sake. It's not true that I'm unlovable. It's not true that I'm worthless. I don't have to justify my existence.

I can be whoever I want to be. I can do anything I'd like to. Nothing else matters but to stay true to that journey. It's not about becoming someone worthy of love, care, attention, and appeciation. It's about embodying those values so much, that I don't need them from others.

Of course, we all need and deserve these things. No one was born to be alone in this world. Anyone can venture out and find their people. That doesn't mean smooth sailing.

Accidents happen all the time. People slip between the cracks. Even when you find your people, you might not connect with them. Even if you do everything perfectly, people might not have the courage, energy, or capability to recieve your generous gifts. 

When you've been hurt before, good intentions can be threatening. When you're happy already, change can be scary. People do what they do for all these reasons and more. 

That's okay. It doesn't have to destroy you. It can make us stronger than ever.  Nothing is ever wasted. Only love is real. Everything else will fall away.

Don't let it throw you off course. Keep going without the baggage. Never stop being yourself and keep loving them all anyway. Chase your ambitions for all the best reasons. That's what it means to live.

It's the greatest gift to even exist!