My Journey

Accountability Mirror I did the accountability mirror, even though I thought it was cringey and dumb while reading it. I thought that this was not how it worked. I'd written down my goals before, although that was far more lax. You rile yourself up, push yourself with great effort, and make a little progress, and then you crash, burn, and fall back two steps after taking only one. That's what I did. Still, I had heard David speak, I'd looked him in his eyes as he did, and I deeply respected the man. I was determined to give this a real shot. I read the challenge at night, woke up in the morning, and when I wrote down my goals on the sticky notes, I was sincere. I wrote down all the big ones, and while speaking to myself, I gave myself tasks for the day to make progress on each one. After many years, I felt like I was making some real progress yesterday. I didn't get much sleep, and I didn't complete them all. Today, I woke up feeling disheartened, and didn't hav...

Now, now, no need to fuss anymore, see? I'm typing here. My hands are moving fast, and the words are flowing on the page. That's all that matters, isn't it? Here I've been spending my days lying back and taking it easy. That too, after hustling and rushing for what feels like way too long. Every day, getting up frantically, underslept and chronically unfit. Making my way to those dead walls with dead people, rushing to a red light. "No more!" I said. So I quit, and now I'm supposed to be working from home. But fuck it, I thought, might as well take it easy for a while. True breaks are hard to come by in adult life, unless carved out through blood and bone.  I've just been smoking up and taking it easy. Binge-watching, eating, sleeping, and fucking (my fist lol). But now that I'm forced to go sober again, my head's all fucked up. See, I know I'm an addict. I know I have issues, I've always struggled with substance abuse, but I'm sick...

Building my own philosophy to meet life has always been crucial work to me. I would like to take a moment to summarise what I believe to be most important. First of all, I do believe that life does have meaning. While life's meaning is not inherent, its value is. Life has inherent value because of its miraculous perseverance against all odds, and the eventual demise that makes it transient. It is therefore something that is brought about through great effort, energy, and history while also having an eventual end. We have an obligation to honor this value by serving its natural purpose to the highest level, its own perpetuation, and continuation in different forms toward the future. This is the age-old ideal of "paying it forward". That perpetuation requires each of us to create our own personal sense of meaning and purpose as human beings that require a sense of autonomy to thrive. Hence we all need a personal sense of purpose. This need is also tied to natural law in pra...

I've been stressing out about my relationships my entire life. The lack of a romantic one, the superficiality of my paternal ones, the lack of depth in the ones with my siblings, and the consistent inconsistency in all of my friendships. I've always heard that you're born alone and you die alone, and you're pretty much always alone so better get used to it. I remember when I was younger, I used to fantasize about it. How weak these simp like men were who were being controlled by women. How wonderful a truly independent life would be. How ideal. How freeing.  To my mind now, only my brother Bhuvan seems to be living an ideal life. Full of challenges for sure, not without his own share of terrible suffering, but still happy, and kind. Never allowing himself to get bitter and depressed. That's what it seems to me now anyway. Past few days I've been going back and forth on it. On one hand I thought the new year and the Christmas weekend are a time to socialise and b...