My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I've been reading David Goggins's Can't Hurt Me for a few days now, and I've just finished the first chapter. Much to my surprise, the man challenges his readers at the end of every chapter. I have my own thing going on here, but I will definitely give this incredible man his due diligence. David shared his life story and all the bad cards he had been dealt, which he had struggled with his entire life. Real, harsh shit which actually holds him back even today. His challenge to me is that I must make a whole damn list of all my shit which holds me back. Nothing came to mind immediately, since focusing on problems tends to morph into excuses, I'm not in the habit of keeping a list. Nevertheless, I believe David is talking about facing facts rather than seeking excuses. Already this is something new that I had not considered: deep-mining to air out all your rotten, toxic, twisted bullshit whose grotesque extremities quietly creep into our skin, pulling our stings from ...