A Crisis of Faith

I do a lot of journaling and freeform writing here, simply putting my words on the page, because it was better than nothing. I stopped because it felt like it wasn't enough. How was jotting down my thoughts making me a better writer?

I needed more deliberate practice. I needed other people to join in me in my pursuit to self-mastery and actualization. So I went out to pick something worth buidling an audience for. When I dig a bit deeper, the answer seems painfully clear.

I have been avoiding the real work of storytelling. Instead of amstering a genre, I still need to try many more things. So, let's write a story today in the same way as I write things here. Let's just get our thoughts on paper. 

The story is about making online content. Just as democracy decentrilized decision-making, letting anyone participate in the game of power, the internet did the same for fame. Anyone can start making efforts to join their local government, but they have to be a politician to win.

Anyone can also pick up a camera to become famous, but they have to be an idol to succeed. It doesn't mean looking pretty and doing dances. It's about being competent and likeable enough that people want to pay attention.

As a side-note, anyone can also be a creator now, with the press of a few buttons. They do have to be creative enough to build a following. There's a big debate about creation vs. curation. Most people who succeed as just finding things out there worthy of attention instead of coming up with original things.

That is most certainly a crutial skill as the age of information comes to an end. Taste is a great asset, and so many amazing things already exist that it's not necessary for everyone to focus on the new. In fact, demanding attention feels like a big ask. 

Yet there's something icky about pure curation, devoid of a personal touch. Search engines and AI exist. We might rely on a person's taste, integrity, and standards, but everyone is unique anyway, are they not? A mere recommendation will always remain a bit dull because of that.

Then there is the shareability aspect. Simply highlighting niche things to a bigger audience with general interests. Introducing them to things that they might have forgotten about or been entirely ignorant of. That's special in itself, and certainly useful. Journalism does that a lot.

What is creativity, really? What's the difference between inspiration and plagirism? I must believe that intuitively, I know who I am and what I really want. If curation, critiques, journalism, or recommendations are insufficient, there is a good reason behind it.

The only remaining possibility must be that in my heart of hearts, I believe in myself on some level. I believe that I have a great creative potential within me. All those things are a part of the living, breathing, messy, alive, and beautiful creative process.

Having taste as a curator, being able to offer great recommendations, feeling passionate about thoughtful critiques, and knowing a lot of things is completely taken for granted. I believe that, at its very core, masterful storytelling is impeccable writing.

What I'm facing is a crisis of faith. I have no faith in my ability to mainfest my potential. However, there is no faith without courage. So, ultimately, when I make excuses and give into my fears, thinking that no one would ever read what I write, or that I need to have visuals, I'm being a coward.

It's okay to be scared. Fear is what keeps us alive. It's okay to fail. Nobody knows what they're doing and nothing will ever be perfect on its own. It's not okay to give up and give into those things. It's not okay to just be quiet and not put up a fight.

I'm allowed to fuck up. I'm allowed to get tired and take breaks. I'm not allowed to believe in my power and fight for my potential. That's nobody's God given right. Just as our laws and human rights are not given by nature, we must fight for them with everything we have, and then some. 

We must fight against survival to truly start living. All this is me trying to figure out what I really want to say. These thoughts that flow freely in my head don't always make sense to other people. It all comes from my lived experience, and the words are mere symbols that reflect feeting moments of perfection.

I know what I mean when I talk about these things. Many other people do too. But a story is so beautiful because it claims no history or personal exception. It's entirely imagined, yet so concrete. It lets people play along and participate, crafting their own sense of meaning to suit their unique needs.

With stories, we can all live better. It's about the unrelenting force of life itself. The unwavering ability to keep going. Stories allow us to do that. They can add color, heal wounds, open hearts, and expand minds. 

They can set your soul ablaze with passion and righteous fury. Enemies exist for our benefit. Failures fuel the furnace. Pain is the path to power. I have a lot of grand ideas and visions. I don't have the skills necessary to bring them to life.

Honing those skills will let me realise that potential. That's my one true love. Everything else will fade away. Pay heed Tolken, Oda, and Kendrick! For I solemnly pledge allegence to my dreams, right here, right now. 

All roads lead to Rome, every single moment of my life has led me to this moment. Flunking school, joining Amity, leaving animation, studying culinary, joining the industry, leaving the industry, marketing madness, freelancing hell holes, and business struggles.

One after another, I've burned  countless boats and bridges so I end up right here, alone at home in my shitty little city, unemployed, and totally undisturbed. I see it clearer than ever. All that remains is to keep climbing!