6 Days Later

My dear cousin brother came to visit me last week, the day after I wrote my last entry here. We drank together and he shared a lot of his experiences with me while we caught up while sitting on the roof. I don't know how long it had been since I last saw him but I'm glad he was able to come. He has always been one of my favorite people, he's warm, kind, and very charming. Charming is a quality made up of equal parts warmth and competence. That is an interesting thing I learnt recently. I also learned a lot of other things these past few days.

The first and foremost thing I learned was what a huge fucking failure I am. The realization came to me rather matter of factually instead of some heavy dreadful bashing that I beat myself up over. Because I also realised that no one I cared about, literally no one that mattered would care about my failures more than I ever would. So what's the point of beating yourself up if you're on the same team? I never critisize someone when they make mistakes, I try my best to figure out a solution and to avoid any repetition. Why handle my personal matters any different?

That was a sobering realization, and a welcome one. So instead of lamenting my situation in utter dispair I have greatly improved and upgraded my reaction to getting furiously angry at myself for failing. Truly a much more proactive emotion. It is also understood by now that if I am to successfully do anything at all, it is of the utmost importance that I must be at peace with myself and in the best state of mind possible.

It also seems to me as I write this, that results have never built my self esteem. My sense of self worth has been tied directly to the amount of effort I have deployed in my pursuits. Results or not, when the effort was there from my side, I have enjoyed a boost in self esteem. So while there are many things that piss me off today, including myself, I do not hate myself. Nor am I content in saying I've tried my best and now I can lie down and accept whatever comes my way. Rather I am finally beginning to feel the joy that is found in the chase, the journey that is greater than the destination, the richness before the money is made. And yes, while I made that last one up, I can only feel a genuine sense of gratitude toward the whole ordeal.

Now I choose to call it a day so I can chase tomorrow once again.