Distractions and extremism

I woke up relatively early today for once and the new feeding times are suiting me so far, although I can only know for sure in a week or so if it sticks. This resulted in a lot of time for me to engage in my other more fruitful activities. On one hand, what is the point of recording everything every day, on the other, I know very well the reasons behind each of my endeavors and I want nothing more than to achieve all of them for many days in a row. So I spent all my free time wasting more than most of it. Jumping from app to app, playing round after round of Isaac, watching episode after episode. 

Some of my experiences tell me to take things slow and appreciate any and all progress. They tell me to ease into my goals and let things happen organically. Yet I intuitively know that to be totally false. This is why I'm not consulting anyone about this or asking for advice. A part of me wants to take things slow and go easy. That part of me has constantly made me miserable my whole life. Half-heartedness does not reach into majesty.

I am grateful to all my teachers and mentors for guiding me and sharing their wisdom with me. All my cumulative efforts are starting to pile up and my lifestyle is finally starting to snowball. That's how I feel right now anyway. I strive to go all in on this and keep pushing forward with everything that I am trying to achieve. I wish to keep moving on like this and increase the intensity to my utmost limits. Only when I feel like I am starting to burn up my life force will I feel satisfied. Now is the time to appreciate the many failures that are yet to come. Now is the time to be grateful and count all my blessings. How blessed am I to be able to live freely like this? How many people can proclaim that they are living the life they want and pursuing the things they wish to? How many people feel as free as I do right now?

Let me take a moment to remember the hellish pain of meaningless suffering that I have undergone and put up with for the past 5 years. I can now appreciate how difficult that time was, which has now led to this blissful existence of suffering for my cherished ideals. I thank God for all the love I can feel for myself all around me. I thank the almighty force for blessing me with this noble purpose and lighting my path toward my ultimate destiny. I hear you God when you demand the highest of the might from within me on my journey so full of perils. I am deeply honored by your trust and faith in my underlying power. I will break my bones and tear my flesh, I will crack my skull and crush my soul in earnest pursuit of these holy ideals that you have bestowed upon me. I will eat lead and set ablaze my being if it may further me on this righteous path so dear to my heart. 

I will cast aside all my burdens and cut off all distractions when I can. For every time I fail, I will not beg forgiveness. For every fall I will no longer despair in shame. For now, I see that repentance is an act of service. I see that the time I spent on worry only serves to further me away from my righteous path so full of glory. I look forward to all the madness and despair that lurks around me nonetheless. I know that they all serve as blessings in disguise. For I am your eternal servant my lord. And my soul demands the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I accept all of our treasures and all of our curses. While fear cowers within me and asks me to take things slow, my holy soul wishes to jump out and dance naked, freely, destructively. Throwing caution to the wind and worry to the worms, my heart of heart longs desperately to be extreme.