An attempt was made

How odd life can be. Yesterday I tried so hard and was full of fire. I asked for difficulties, trials, and tribulations. I had so many things on my mind that I could not go to sleep. I was so full of energy and drive. Today morning when I woke up I had forgotten all about it. I got annoyed at the smallest of things. I wanted to quit my diet and take it easy. Before that, I wanted to starve myself and stay hungry to keep my fast up. Then I ate way too much and struggled to stay asleep. Today was the kind of day I should feel grateful for because today I feel lonely, unmotivated, and unsatisfied. 

Yesterday I wanted to give more to others, today I only want to bury y head in the ground. What is the point of anything if life is going to be this uphill losing battle? One step forward two steps back. Always moving and yet losing progress. Yesterday I felt good because I had hit all of my goals for the day and went beyond them because yesterday the only goal I had was to wake up earlier than usual. 

Today got off to a bad start when I hit the snooze two too many times, I had gone to sleep a nervous wreck anyway and had carried that forward to the next day subconsciously. Today I feel like a failure and a hopeless idiot who can only be understood by Sysiphus. I would imagine we all are like Sysiphus though. What keeps us on our own separate tracks and away from each other then? Why do we all exist on separate frequencies? 

- On days like this I need to remember more than anything else to have faith. This is the courage I had wished to display. To make the attempts when excepting failure, to do the work when all seems doomed, and to stick with the right way when everything is upside down.

- I see my mistakes and hope to avoid them. Wake up when the first alarm hits, starting the day with difficulty sets the tone for what follows. 

- Eat light in the day when breaking my fast, slowly, and easily let it settle in while I move around before a second helping. Eating more than necessary only makes me feel like trash and knocks me out. 

It occurs to me that I wouldn't have learned these lessons if I had not sat down to write this blog today. Before I started writing it felt like I had learned nothing at all, and achieved nothing at all. But between what felt like attempting to avoid literally everything I know I have to do, another attempt was made. A genuine attempt to lay down the parameters of my first proper story. While feeling so hopelessly useless like I needed to prepare and take courses and have experiences worth 10 years before I can even start to do this monumental task of putting my vision on paper, I must commend myself for trying once again to do it now. While I still feel like shit and hate myself with a furious grudge for being a perpetual loser, I have to appreciate the effort of the attempt. Even as I curse my existence with dampened misery I promise myself to keep trying, again and again, and inch ever so closer on an atomic level. With every failed attempt I teach myself to make more. Whatever is pulling me toward that sacred field of bliss that is my purpose, I am pushing against all I know with all my might to meet it halfway.

Until the day I will, 

Try is all I can.