A steady pace

For quite some time it has seemed like I am stuck and need to do more. I suppose it's more about not making enough progress than being stuck. This folly may have caused many of my older derailments. Something is definitely different this time though. I am not looking for any alternatives as an escape from this lifestyle. I no longer wish I could order junk food or smoke up or have a drink to make myself feel better. It feels a bit like I have internally burned my bridges and my boats at the shore. It seems like I have for the first time gone all in. 

I am glad about that. I did take it a little easy today. I was starving at breakfast time so I overate a bit, which made me sleepy around noon. I was also sore from yesterday and worried that taking a nap would only ruin my sleep schedule, but I took one anyway. It was rather refreshing and relaxing. I did a little outlining for my own story before the nap and after waking up I just watched this new anime I found called Jobless Reincarnation. I had started to loathe the Isekai genre and avoided it at all costs. I also despise fan service and Echhi in general. I prefer full-blown hentai if anything of the sort.

Yet this particular one was beautifully animated and beloved by the very few people who watched it. So I gave it a chance and found the first episode endearing. I have seen half a season thus far and I must admit it's right up my alley. Anyway, it seems as though I have developed certain non-negotiables and have established a semblance of a routine. All these things make me very happy and deeply fulfilled. While I am still anxious about the painfully slow progress and the infinity of the path ahead, I am learning to focus on the step ahead of me and take it in fully for what it's worth. 

This is a life well worth living. I suppose it is crucial for falling in love with the process to actually engage with it in this way. For all the time and energy I am putting into all this, and for all the looming fears and anxieties, it is turning out to be well worth it. I still seem to worry about my appearance, income, relationship status, productivity, health, and goals occasionally. But it seems to be falling to the background as I busy myself with my current commitments. Every day I am proving to myself that I am capable though. I have also decided to take whatever comes as a form of penance for whatever mistakes I have made, of which there are many, and then just let my actions and good intentions speak for themselves. I know that I am not alone and that things are likely not as bad in reality as it seems in my head. One interesting lesson worth writing down from today:

- I am no longer running away from anything, although I am still running toward others. Perhaps I can feel happier by building these habits and this lifestyle and then forgetting about all the things I want from the future. I believe that will be more fulfilling than always wishing, hoping, dreaming, and longing. Once I lay down the foundation I will systematically shut down the recurring thought patterns that only serve to worry me. Then I can focus more on simply giving.

- Emotions transform when they are faced. Avoiding thoughts and emotions only drags them around longer. Any kind of negative feeling seems to dissipate once fully embraced. It then changes and becomes something else which is either better or worse. Case in point: I watched a bunch of attractive people on YouTube shorts talking about the importance of looks in romance, they also showed their transformation from good-looking people to extremely attractive, thirst-inducing, modelesque sculptures chiseled by a divinely endowed ghost of some famous sculptor. It made me feel unattractive and pretty much ugly. I leaned into that feeling which made me feel like my efforts are all in vain. I felt afraid that I would always be a fat loser who gains weight too easily and is doomed to suffer forever. Then I felt like its better for me to die alone and I deserve it because I was just unlucky as all hell in that regard. I felt it was better this way to keep my genes out of the pool and shit. After that, well that was pretty much as bad as it could've gotten wasn't it? Nowhere to go from there but up. So I went up from there to a normal level of nonchalance. This process took several hours from when I woke up to the late evening. My point is, that stopping at any point in that process would have been bad enough, but ultimately inevitable. It would have only served to prolong something unpleasant more than it was necessary. Going through it was tough but at least it was over faster. I'm sure this will differ from person to person, and I'm sure actions are tied to the whole thing, but my point is that this is a form of emotional courage that most people I know are barely capable of. It is also ideal when dealing with matters of the heart.

- I am falling in love with my hypothesis that we all have nature within us. That our hearts, minds, and bodies are wise and by listening to them, we work towards our highest good. I am becoming more sure that freedom to obey our natural tendencies and getting in touch with all our parts is the way to divinity. I look forward to testing this theory as far on as I can.