What do I want again?

Today, I sit down once again after who knows how many months to just go through the motions again. I had this notion that I wanted to start working on a specific idea of mine and finish it. I started writing a book called How To Live, which I should honestly get back to, now that I mention it. Life has a funny way about it. It guides you, pulls you, and calls you toward certain directions. It becomes clear that these are particularly crucial for the living creature to pursue. Then, the same great ineffable forces do everything imaginable to distract you from those very things, like a strange game of reverse chicken. 

It's clear to me now, as in my quietest of moments, that I'd love nothing more than to make fictional stories. Stories that can be experienced visually, so they may be experienced universally, and create a powerful impact. Yet, in my waking hours, that dream is nowhere to be seen, other than faint reminders felt through memes, hobbies, and paraphilia. It's so confusing that I find myself wondering, "What is it that I want?" Even typing that, the first thing that comes to mind is money, which is so stupid, because what would I do with it?

I'd watch things in the best ways possible. I'd play video games and experience those worlds. Eventually, I'd try to make one of my own. Yet, right this second, in the real world, I hold myself back. For what? Is it a sneaking suspicion that the dream is more beautiful in its current form? If that's true, then why does it haunt me in twisted ways? I had a few excellent ideas yesterday. I had worked out after a couple of days, and my body felt good. I read a generic book that set my mind on fire, and I thought of many things at a supersonic rate.

I thought of my other ideas, like the media platform called Pop Charcha, something to fortify my efforts in the marketing game. I thought of how there would be a carousel post pinned to its Instagram profile explaining the philosophy behind it, the rules for the community, and what kind of content I would have on it. The tagline of "Lead the conversation, be the change." Then I thought about how I should take better care of my juniors at work and how I should teach them in a more structured way. How chickens are dinosaurs, and something about them being cooped up in cages for slaughter somehow affected us all on some level.

I thought of this as I turned in my bed, struggling to sleep. I felt like I had some golden ideas in my hands, grasped firmly in my fists. I knew that I needed to note them down asap, because I had lost good ideas once or twice before, and I swore to myself that I'd never lose them again. Yet I didn't write anything, for it was late and I had to go to work today. Sure enough, I woke up today drawing a blank. What excellence did I let slip me by? Was it something about how safe a creature feels in how fully it lives? I have no clue. I let things go for no good reason. Just to hone my worldly skills and get a leg up on the rat race.

I keep thinking of the work I want to do and the people it will help. Then, I stop myself to worry about money. I think all that is fair enough, but at the end of the day, there is a good question to be made: What is it that I really want? Well, for one, I want to be healthy and happy. I want to feel good in my skin and comfortable in my body. No question about that, that's the first and foremost thing for me. Perhaps because I do not feel that way right now. My heart feels heavy, my body aches, and my chest tightens up after climbing the stairs. I weigh 105kg, after all. I hate how I look in the mirror, and none of my clothes fit anymore. In fact, with every passing day, I grow fatter and my clothes shrink smaller. 

I'm ashamed to see people as they most likely judge me harshly. I think I deserve to be judged. Yet, all I really want to do, is score again, get unphathomably high, and take a chill pill. Make myself feel really good, eat some tasty treats, and watch myself a marathon of the best of the best. I have so much saved up: One Piece, Fire Force, Severance, KDrama, Black Mirror, and more. Things that I just can't get into and enjoy when I'm sober, I'm too restless and uncomfortable when I'm like that. Only when I smoke weed, and/or drink alcohol, maybe even after rubbing one out, that's when I feel truly comfortable.

Surely, if I can make myself feel SO good, I must be safe. Only a king at the top of a food chain could afford such an indulgent, luxurious binge. That's when I feel relaxed, numbed, calm, and medicated. I love to absolutely lose all sense of myself and everything else in the world. I love to totally get lost and be immersed in fictional worlds. I took a break before writing this sentence, and I'm happy to say that I've been stoned for over a week now. I've been enjoying it thoroughly, especially the naughty fun time. It's astonishing how drastically life can change with just a few drugs. I've been watching things and it has been fun as hell.

It feels like another new chapter has begun in my life, one where I simply rediscover what I truly enjoy doing the most, and then start moving toward it one way or another. But you know things are tough when I sit down to wonder what I want from my life. It's like, the world wants you to forget yourself. If you're here, you have to participate in whatever the hell is already going on. Getting too involved with other people's games will certainly make you forget your own. What does the world need today? How do we solve our biggest problems? Beyond the hedonistic pleasures of the flesh, there are other things I'd like to pursue. The answers to those questions are definitely one of those things. 

For there's nothing wrong with the vices, sins and pleasures. The problem is when there is nothing to look forward to beyond the immediate next high. I think everyone needs something that goes beyond themselves. We all deserve to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, I think we need that to be happy. It's the big things, the infinite goals, the distant dream on the horizon, which always stays out of reach. It gives us something to dedicate ourselves to throughout our lives. That's what we all want, isn't it? Something that demands everything from us. 

Some things make us feel small because of how easily they come to us, while other things make us feel big because of their impossibility. Educating the world, bringing joy to people, and leading change are lifelong endeavors. It's so easy to get caught up in other people's journeys. You lose sight of yourself and get blindsided to see only what someone wants you to see. Who decides what the world needs other than the people who live in it? You and I need to take up arms and fight for what we believe in. We all have our ideas, things we care about, and dreams we've always wanted to fulfil. We've already made those decisions in our heart of hearts. 

We know what we want to do, why we want to do it, and how to begin. Yet we can't help but entertain the bullshit that keeps us stuck. To choose one thing is to reject everything else. I feel so strongly about so many things in life, but I never do anything about them. I never try to execute on my ideas. I never just go for it. I just sit there on the fucking sidelines, picturing myself to be this up and coming artist while never really doing anything. So here's to me writing everything down so I can do them. There's no shame in it, this is my life, and I can choose to live it however the hell I please. That's what makes it mine in the first place. 

I can decide on a path and change my mind. I can take as long as I'd like. I can move quickly for a while. I think it's so important to show myself that I can do things my own way without the sky falling down on my head. I know I had some other ideas, a lot of serious things that MUST be done the proper way. Things that seem necessary to earn the BIG BUCKS. That's all we want, isn't it? Everyone just wants to be filthy rich, enough that they never have to worry about it again. Yet a vast majority of people are not anywhere near rich. Listen man, I don't know jack shit about anything much to be honest. But I know that there are a bunch of things I've really wanted to do for a bunch of reasons. Let's just focus on that.

For one, I wanted to make a blog on Food. I wanted to learn and write about foraging, sustainability and food culture. Initially, it was just to fulfil my curiosity about all things related to sustenance. Then, I figured it would be a great way to justify my culinary arts degree. Plus, it's a consumer market that I am personally quite familiar with, so perhaps I can make some real money selling some kind of food-related product there eventually. So perhaps I could've started by writing articles about onions, and then taking it from there. That was quite a legitimate idea that I was interested in, but the more I actually engaged with it, the less interested I was.

So it got lopped to the back of my mind. Then came the marketing thing. So, yeah, I want to learn Google, Meta, Adobe, and coding shit. I think that will make me so damn useful as a person who can meaningfully connect people with each other. I like Godin's theory that marketing is about creating change, or "making change happen." That is accurate in many ways, but I like to think that it's more about connecting people one way or another. I think so because I don't believe that words can really change anything; only actions can do that.

Still, it seemed like marketing was the one thing that I understood and had a natural knack for making work, which the world really needs from me. Then again, I don't know for sure. It certainly feels that way, everyone and their mothers need advertising, and I seem to have some idea of what makes an ad good or bad. Still, I'm no maverick or anything, to say the least. Hell, I just have some ideas and theories. So that was pretty much second on the list. A blog about everything I've learned about marketing in what little time I've given it. I've learned a lot about SEO, writing, branding, and strategy. Still, I have a lot more to learn before I can start earning the big bucks, it seems like.

Yet it occurs to me, it's not the biggest expert that earns the most, but the one who was at the right time, in the right place, and had the right preparation. So I wanted to write about that. I also wanted to write about stories. My favourite things from pop culture include everything from movies, cartoons, and anime to music, books, TV shows, and limited series. I figured making content about that shit could lead me to learn more about why I love what I love, and help me make the things better when the time came. Talking about it all now, I feel sick at my inaction and daydreaming. 

By the way, I also wanted to write a non-fiction book about philosophy and shit called How To Live. Basically, I wanted to note down everything I've ever learned about life and make some sort of coherent personal philosophy to help guide my choices more articulately. I thought it would be a great exercise and could help me get a better idea of things. I was quite serious about that one, by the way. Hell, I even started writing it! I don't know what's what with it anymore, though. Finally, I always wanted to make my own comic book story called Soul Fever. That last one is supposed to be somewhat of a magnum opus, I guess.

Those are just the things I've been itching to work on personally. Other than that, I also want to seriously learn art. Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop, Lightroom, Premiere Pro, Procreate, and then some. Of course, I want to learn the basics of art: colours, elements, balance, composition, etc. I seriously want to learn that shit. Hell, I think I also want to learn coding to some extent, but for no really good reason. For art, I have many excellent reasons. Those are some of the major things I want to do right now in my life. Most of the stuff is just me trying to build something that will lead to something else, if that makes sense.

Like, the end goal is to work with a team of people to create things that make a positive impact on the world, and get paid reasonably well for it. It's to find other people who care about the things I care about. In the world, I'd like to teach people different ways of seeing things. That's the impact I want to have, in perspective. I think comic books are a great way to do that, much more than self-help books. So yea, education, entertainment, inspiration, and shit like that. That's the impact I want to have in the world. I just find these things a lot more interesting than just hitting deadlines and getting paychecks. 

It's always nice to remember what I'm all about and what I want to do with myself. Yet today, it's a bittersweet realisation. That's because I've overcommitted and taken on too many useless projects that I couldn't really be bothered with. So I spend a lot of my time being busy and feeling dreadful, without ever really having any time for what matters the most to me. I suppose these goals are not JUST to earn better or get the right opportunities in the future. These are also very much things I genuinely believe could be enjoyable to engage with right now. As things stand, I don't feel like a writer, artist, or marketer. 

I just feel like I showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time, with all the wrong preparation. Anyway, now I don't want to waste my life bitching and wasting away. I don't want to rush toward some lofty goal either, feeling like I'm falling behind for no reason. I just want to start moving closer to a place where I can create things, focus on perfecting them, and lose myself in them. The best way to do that is to start creating things. So that's what I'm going to do from this fucking second. I'll just start making things, one by one. Who cares if it's about food, philosophy, psychology, marketing, business, or storytelling? What's important is that I enjoy myself right now, while working toward something potentially better in the future for the entire world.