Ore no Genkai (My limit), Feedback, and Iteration

I'm pushing myself right up to my limit now. The diet is stable but can easily derail in a moment of weakness. The exercise is causing soreness and I loathe stretching, which I'm not very familiar with in the first place. It's starting to feel like I am starving myself a little bit, which is what I want. 

I'm doing my best to maintain efforts toward everything else and making slow, and minuscule, but consistent progress. I want to lie down and rest properly. Everything is going according to plan. I am the one who is making it happen. The moment I stop making efforts at key moments, the progress will derail. This is a critical juncture. This is a defining moment. This is me crossing the threshold. Like a space shuttle fighting against the atmosphere and gravity. This is far from over, the worst might be yet to come. 

I am grateful for this opportunity and the guidance I have received that has led me here. I will persevere. I will ingrain in my memory from now onwards to forever, I will show myself and bear witness, I will prove to myself that I can put the money where my mouth is, I will make myself, and show myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to, once and for all. The road is endless and I know I am tired, but come, for this is the way. I am happier than I have ever been. I've never experienced a greater sense of joy before. Such a deep sense of satisfaction is rising up within me. I can do this.

I am careful not to burn myself out and I am getting better and better at listening to my body. My body is telling me that I need to stretch more after any and all exercises. In my heart of hearts though, I know, that I can keep going as I am for a way longer without this breaking me. Such is the conflict between planning and execution. To always be improving the process while executing a plan is painfully demanding, and practically unfeasible. 

That is why the process must be broken up into stages. Older things have to stabilize before they can be updated once more. Physical fatigue cannot coexist with mental fatigue. So for now I make a mental note to keep an eye out for some kind of stretching and cool-down that even I can do without much effort. Making time for recreation is not problematic. What's required is a proper organization of time. 

While it is useful to have plans put in place to avoid decision fatigue, there also has to be some room for spontaneous and impulsive activity. Since I have always been all over the place, that would be part of leaning into my strengths. So perhaps I can leave some time periods throughout the day that are essentially empty slots. I do need to take professional work more seriously since I will be pursuing content writing for money. I need to take more shots there and put more time and effort into it. 

I am doing great and I should be proud of myself for earnestly trying. I am sure if I do a little bit more for a lot more time I will get enough money to make all my dreams come true. I am ready to start earning as much as I deserve. I want to be able to buy the things I want but I know I have not yet earned them. But I know that I can start looking forward to a time in the future when I will earn that and more if I keep going. I want to do so much more so I can start supporting other people financially. Ultimately I don't need too many things, but I don't want to buy them at the expense of others. In fact, I want more than anything else to buy so many great and wonderful things that will give so much value to my loved ones.

I want to give. I want it all so I can give it all away. God help me while I make my way there. Was it selfish to ask for my happiness while trying to get there? I racked my brain so much in hopes of trying to figure out the right way, the best way, anyone possible way. I truly believe that I couldn't have done this any other way. I truly believed that at the time. Was I wrong about it all? Could I have made it if I had roughed it out? Did I cause a lot of trouble to everyone? God help me. I really felt like you wanted the best for me. I felt like you showed me all that because you wanted me to feel how I felt. I truly believed you wanted me to show courage and go through with this. I still believe all that, but in moments of weakness, I'm sorry my lord, I am sometimes filled with doubt. 

I can feel it now though. I can feel the heavenly power of your grace surging within my heart. I can feel it wash the pain away. I thank you for giving me your support and strength and mercy and love. While I am earnestly repenting my sins I shall always cherish these blessings you have granted me. One day I hope to make us proud. Thank you for all your love and support.