My Story: The Vicious Cycle
Ever since I can remember I've always had difficulty in being consistent. Now I've always bought into the idea that, "You could be anything you set your mind to" and this difficulty always seemed to me like the biggest hurdle between who I've been and who I've wanted to become. Everything I've done seems to have happened in phases. Always fluctuating from anime, to gaming, to reading, writing etc. It seemed like the only certainty was that things are always changing.
But the most apparent of all these twists and turns was my constant cycle of wanting to become better, a.k.a. obsessive self- improvement, to downright apocalyptic indifference, where I would just abuse my senses via food, drugs, pornography, or all of the above, expecting to be annihilated as son as possible, a.k.a. self-destruction. I'd say it would be best described as a cycle between boundless optimism and cynical nihilism.
Now I've always thought this was something to overcome, that ideally I was supposed to be this powerhouse of stability that I might rely on, and that I was meant to reach this nirvana of persisting happiness that would endure till the end of my days through enlightenment or some sort of Goldilocks' mixture of everything life has to offer.
But I don't think so anymore. Partly because I still go through that very same cycle, and I'd be lying if I said it's better now, but it's most certainly a lot more different than it used to be, which is a welcome change. Also because now I think life is about evolution and change, and to find my own sense of balance I need to embrace that. Although anything that one achieves is a constant work in progress and even if all constants might be bound to vary eventually, it doesn't mean that they can't start back again, right where they left off.
This article is meant to be part of a series where I talk about and record different aspects of myself for anyone to see. Is there any vicious cycle that you go through? If yes, then how?
But the most apparent of all these twists and turns was my constant cycle of wanting to become better, a.k.a. obsessive self- improvement, to downright apocalyptic indifference, where I would just abuse my senses via food, drugs, pornography, or all of the above, expecting to be annihilated as son as possible, a.k.a. self-destruction. I'd say it would be best described as a cycle between boundless optimism and cynical nihilism.
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| Phase 1 |
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| Phase 2. Repeat till death. |
Now I've always thought this was something to overcome, that ideally I was supposed to be this powerhouse of stability that I might rely on, and that I was meant to reach this nirvana of persisting happiness that would endure till the end of my days through enlightenment or some sort of Goldilocks' mixture of everything life has to offer.
But I don't think so anymore. Partly because I still go through that very same cycle, and I'd be lying if I said it's better now, but it's most certainly a lot more different than it used to be, which is a welcome change. Also because now I think life is about evolution and change, and to find my own sense of balance I need to embrace that. Although anything that one achieves is a constant work in progress and even if all constants might be bound to vary eventually, it doesn't mean that they can't start back again, right where they left off.
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| Yep Einstein said every cool thing you've ever heard. Might as well throw in the towel eh? 😂 |
This article is meant to be part of a series where I talk about and record different aspects of myself for anyone to see. Is there any vicious cycle that you go through? If yes, then how?
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