Rock Bottom

Is control a bad thing? Is it a futile attempt? In all honesty, it is utterly exhausting to come up with a revelation every day. Today I would like to say that nothing has changed from yesterday, and nothing will change tomorrow. I have failed at living an ideal childhood, and I am failing as an adolescent. I have been unable to build anything for myself. I have been unable to achieve discipline, momentum, wealth, skills, or anything of that sort. I thought I discovered in my heart of hearts an unalienable part of myself that said to me benevolently, "You don't have to work a day in our life unless you want to! Life doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. You can do what you want and still be happy."

Today I feel like that is a worthless statement. Just like anything else I've ever come up with. I believed myself today when I realized that the reason nobody loves me is that I am absolutely worthless. I never have done anything worthwhile and I may never be capable of doing so. Today after a really long period of time, maybe even more than a full year, I want to die. I no longer believe there is a place for me in this world. I do not believe there is a place for me in anyone else's. The world is a cruel place full of misery and suffering. I was born into it randomly and without reason. So my suffering is also without end.

Today I want to numb myself until it is all over. I wish to forfeit the game and give up completely. This is what it has all led to. Every thought, hope, dream, inspiration, connection, aspiration, and desire that I have ever had. Every struggle I have overcome and effort I have made. It has all led me back to this endless darkness within me. I can fight it no longer. I give myself over to it. I'll let myself get lost in it once again. Let it consume me and destroy everything I am made up of. Until yesterday I wanted to make efforts to fulfill my dream. I wanted to become worthy of love and build meaning in this life. I wanted to create value for others and share it with the world to help someone in a meaningful way, anyone, any one person would have been enough.

Today I realize that I am not special. I am not one of the chosen ones who do amazing things that inspire others. I am not someone that came from a sea of faceless nobodies. I am just another average person. Worthless in every way, and useless to those around me. A burden of astronomical proportions. I suppose I said that nothing has changed because I have always been like this. An addict. Weak. Pathetic. Unlovable. Unworthy. Alone. I have died on the inside and am awaiting my body to catch up. I find this crushing reality unbearable. My dreams do not allow me a enjoy a life of mediocrity. They are also unattainable to me, forever out of my reach. I am a weak, powerless, useless, pathetic human being, who lives alone. Surrounded by people who would rather have him around to ignore rather than have him disappear. They won't care about me until I'm gone. I exist only to be ignored.

That's all I've ever been, and I'll ever be. Nobody even thinks about me unless I shout at them. I wish to stop talking now. I wish to fade away and feel the warmth of rot eating away at this heavy cumbersome body. All I feel is the crushing weight of my existence. I cannot bear to continue the activities that sustain me. Everything has become so heavy. I envy the dead. All I feel is pain and numbness. The things that make me happy only make the pain worse. The things that will make the pain better, are already too painful on their own. I am fantasizing about my own death. I wish to get cancer and get stabbed, to get caught under a bus and fall off a building. To admit that makes living even more unbearable. 

I despise that more than anything else.