To build my life

I've been rather concermed about otger people recently and discovering sincerely what they are struggling with. The past few days I've been seriously considering what are actually the biggest issues that plague our world as a whole. In big ways that we can do something about and address. Perhaps it is because I want to know what to write my stories about in hopes that they might be useful beyond a means to escape, which is obviously one utility I would hope they would provide.

At the same time, I have always really been concerned about my own life, just like everyone else I suppose. What do I need to focus on, build up, fix, and improve. Even today I was wondering about my body, personality, and career. I suppose the biggest concern I have currently is about my career. What can I do, that others need and will pay me for, that I can engage with without being miserable? It's not anything to do with food, I know that. It might have something to do with words and communication, that's what I feel. I have already made a commitment to become a healthier person, a witer, and an artist. I am going to see that through no matter what.

That's one thing I learned from Jimmy, too genuinely give my all, and to never give up. I suppose I just feel like I'm not doing my best still. That's why I'm here thinking and writing about it. I just need to double down on my efforts. Write more, read more, draw more, and get better. I can worry about the metrics of getting paid and finding a girl and all that success nonsense as much as I want but it won't change the things I have to do to actually achieve those goals.

I should take this exercise as an opportunity to reiterate my process and regain some composure. I don't care about my relationships with other people because I'm not bringing anything to the table. I don't care about what others think of me, how many likes or views my current shit is getting, or how I'm going to make money off of it. I need to stop worrying about time. I need to stop worrying and thinking about how fast I meed to lose weight, how many holes I have in my T shirts, who is with or against me, and focus on building myself up.

I need to double down on focusing on my life and make actual efforts to forget about what's holding me back. So let's write it down now. Let's decide what we do not care about and what we will focus on instead. I am going to approach every single day as if I don't know anything. I will continue to keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart wide open to soak up every single thing with a student mindset. I will relentless learn as many things as I can, from every single thing that I can. I will stop worrying about how to apply these things. I will stop worrying about my health and thinking about the many ways my body is supposedly deteriorating. I acknowledge that the anxiety to rush toward end products is coming from a good place. What's the point of doing all this work if I don't create something that people can make use of and pay me for? 

I appreciate that this is a valid concern and I appreciate my honesty in seeking out a solution for this already. I allow myself to try and come up with solutions in my free time. I also appreciate and recognize that I am actually just an infant right now. I am starting off very late by normal stamdards and that is why I feel the time pressure. I am afraid of falling behind and getting too comfortable in my own home. I also recognize that I have made a commitment to myself to see things through to the end. I have a really long way to go and there's no point trying to jump the gun. I have so much to learn before I can afford to think about how I am going to earn money with these things. I refuse to let external pressures from friends and strangers dictate my life choices. I have made the difficult commitment to pursue something I cannot achieve very easily as there isn't a huge market for it around me, and I'm not good enough to compete in the markets that exist in other places. 

I need to take a moment to fully appreciate the gigantic size of the task in front of me. Now that I take a good look, I can see why I was anxious and afraid, it is so monumentally huge that I am only aware of how much I cannot foresee, rather than understanding what I have to do. Looking at it from this view, it's nothing more than an endlessly expanding hill I must climb. The top of the hill is not earning a living, this hill doesn't have a top. It's the hill to become the best in the world. The best artist in the world. The best comic book ariter in the world. The best author in the world. The best creator in the world. Of course I cannot comprehend where I stand on it, how could I ever hope to comprehend how far I have left or what lies on the top, how it looks like from up there, or anything else about it for that matter? There really isn't a point in worrying about it at all, don't you see? All I have to do is look in front, and relish the fact that I get to do this. I get to take steps on it and until I'm tired. Then I get to stand still and recover. Then I get to continue onward. I get to make my attempt. That is my greatest gift, and that's what this climb is about, the greatest gift I can give myself. Let's relish it, enjoy it, make the most out of it, and take it all in. 

Let's appreciate what a beautiful thing it is and stop worrying about these small insignificant things that don't matter. It's okay for me to study things, read, consume, consume, consume, and consume some more. Let's take our time learn things properly for their own sake and take them all in. It's enough for me to have a goal and take steps toward it from where I stand, without worrying about where my steps are leading me in terms of the goal. I cannot plan out the entire way and figure it all out as I go. It's important to enjoy my life while I'm living it now. It'd okay to take things in and take my time to learn things in the beginning stages. I might start slow but this way I can go far. I might die before the end and fail, but this way I will enjoy the way so much more. I don't really want to meet a girl, or make money, or become popular and well liked, good looking, own nice clothes and beautiful things. I don't really want to play all those amazing video games and become fit, clever, and helpful to everyone else at large. I don't really want to do any of those things, if I don't find them along this way of my own making. 

I know I am currently climbing a steep mountain and feel lost in the woods. Every inch of progress is excrutiating and every slip up sets me back by hundreds of meters. But ultimately this is what I want to do more than anything else. That is all that matters and I need to remember that. Everything else comes secondary and I refuse to forget it. I want to become the best storyteller on this planet. I want to become a great writer who can write brilliant fiction anf non fiction alike. I want to know enough visual art that I can collaborate with and explore other modes of entertainment. I want to be able to work with others to make comic books, animation, and movies. I want to be able to collaborate with so many people and be able to direct them. I need to remember that this is all that matters. I am going to keep practicing my basic drawing skills, I will keep working with the english language, and keep learning everything I can with insatiable curiosity. I refuse to let insignificant doubts and small set backs deter me from this ultimate goal of mine.

It is as simple as that.