Same Old Shit

Today was another failure. I knew what I had to do but I just didn't do it. I'm killing myself out here. Always trying to motivate myself. I keep thinking that omce this or that is over it'll be easier, I'll do better. Once I stick with it for one month I will be better, I'll get used to it, I won't have to force myself. Discipline dude. I suck so hard at things I don't want to do. I keep trying to motivate myself and psyche myself up. I keep trying to tell myself something or the other.

I've decided not to focus on problems while emotional, and I'm not. I want to know how I can objectively do better, and why I failed. I want to learn and grow. I thought I need to make myself believe that I can do this. I thought I need a proper schedule so I can just follow it and stick to it. I think that is important. There's no point trying to convince myself. I'll just prove it one day at a time. I'll just show myself how pointless it is to doubt myself.

I took some time to set up a schedule for myself. Wake up at 6:45 am. Out of the bed by 7. Brush teeth, cold shower. To the gym. Light strech, heavy lifting and high intensity workout. Lil jogging and calisthenics. 

Be ready on my table at 9 am to practice drawing. Alternatively I can also do deep writing and note down things I thought of while working out. Not sure about that yet. I want to do total 3 hours of drawing and 3 hours of writing. If I fail I want to read rigorously and learn things instead. Useful YouTube vids, learning from courses, shit like that. I'm saying that because I don't believe I can do it. The momentum of indiscipline is strong and heavy, like a 12 wheeler it marches on plummeting my hopes and dreams in front of me. I want to ignore this and show myself I can do it anyway. 

Half an hour drawabox, half an hour face practice. 10 am breakfast. Lots of eggs and chicken to feed the high intensity workout soreness. Green tea for metabolic stimulation and complex carbs to fill my stomach. Less food than I feel like, 80% rule. I can't be bothered to calculate calories just yet. I need to draw and write and work worthwhile.
10-11 am leisure. 

11am-5pm: draw for 2 more hours, write for 3. Whether it's the blogs or content writing, or my creative process, it all has to be done before 5.

5 pm: dinner. 6-7 decompress, write more. 7-8 workout. 8 feed dog and walk her. 

9 journal and reading till 11pm sleep.

Repeat forever. 

I know God that this is what will. Make me happy. Fuck friends and frivolous pleasures. Fuck chatting and calling and catching up and masturbating and dilly dallying. Fuck watching entertainment and all that nonsense. Fuck relationships, and bullshit, fuck my worries and doubts, fuck my salary and clout. Everything else can go to hell. Fuck video games and rest, being a little bitch and whining. Feeling sorry for myself and being an actual piece of garbage. Fuck all of that. I want to strong. 

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