My Journey

I'm not a particularly superstitious guy. I mean, I'm afraid of the dark like any other sensible creature, but mostly I'd call myself pragmatic. Still, whenever I find myself on my own schedule (like indefinite WFM), I always fall back to the comfort of a good horoscope. The Times of India has a pretty good one, too. So every day I wake up, ready to be my own worst enemy, in charge of my own ship, and I look it up for a sign of the dangers to come.  Today's horoscope was particularly haunting to me. It said, in so many words, that I have been ignoring certain thoughts for many months now, and that they keep coming back, longing to be heard. That I should focus in and "work it through" for I may realise that I'm still processing something that happened months ago. Funny thing is, I've come to realise that I'm still processing my childhood even, never mind a few months back, or today for that matter! Still, I'm not anything if honest with myself,...

Accountability Mirror I did the accountability mirror, even though I thought it was cringey and dumb while reading it. I thought that this was not how it worked. I'd written down my goals before, although that was far more lax. You rile yourself up, push yourself with great effort, and make a little progress, and then you crash, burn, and fall back two steps after taking only one. That's what I did. Still, I had heard David speak, I'd looked him in his eyes as he did, and I deeply respected the man. I was determined to give this a real shot. I read the challenge at night, woke up in the morning, and when I wrote down my goals on the sticky notes, I was sincere. I wrote down all the big ones, and while speaking to myself, I gave myself tasks for the day to make progress on each one. After many years, I felt like I was making some real progress yesterday. I didn't get much sleep, and I didn't complete them all. Today, I woke up feeling disheartened, and didn't hav...

A Tantalizing Vision I actually have a lot of work to do today. After God knows how many years, I've finally set some actionable goals for myself for today, each of which will lead me closer to my ultimate mission. I'm surprised to say that I've been enjoying it as well! However, my professional project may soon require me to interact with people, so I figure this is a good time to establish the brand for my company. I had a visionary revelation a week ago, when I was just coming down from my latest weed binge. See, I've always been torn between my divulging passions. I have these personal projects that seem to pull me in different directions, and I found myself having to choose between them. I wanted to start a food blog and build a sustainable lifestyle brand to leverage my formal education and culinary experience. I also loved how practical, hands-on, and useful it was. In doing research and writing content, I figured I could learn all about that stuff.  I'm talk...

I've been reading David Goggins's Can't Hurt Me for a few days now, and I've just finished the first chapter. Much to my surprise, the man challenges his readers at the end of every chapter. I have my own thing going on here, but I will definitely give this incredible man his due diligence. David shared his life story and all the bad cards he had been dealt, which he had struggled with his entire life. Real, harsh shit which actually holds him back even today. His challenge to me is that I must make a whole damn list of all my shit which holds me back. Nothing came to mind immediately, since focusing on problems tends to morph into excuses, I'm not in the habit of keeping a list. Nevertheless, I believe David is talking about facing facts rather than seeking excuses. Already this is something new that I had not considered: deep-mining to air out all your rotten, toxic, twisted bullshit whose grotesque extremities quietly creep into our skin, pulling our stings from ...

When I used to work in the kitchen, the work was simple. Show up, do as you're told, give a good service, ensure smooth operations by upholding the SOPs, go home, rinse and repeat. It wasn't easy and it was extremely tedious at times, but goddamnit it was simple. I wasn't passionate about food as such, just willing to do good work. The many months when I hated it and did not want to do it, I still showed up and did my job. That's what professionals do, you know? Unfortunately, after a good few years of trying, it seems I am still no professional writer. I struggle a lot with motivation, procrastination, and just being unable to move. I figured it was because of the industry; there aren't exactly SOPs and protocols to follow in creative writing. I thought it was a systemic issue; There was an inherent need for me to use my brain, which somehow warranted motivation, or so I thought. I figured that in the kitchen, I was simply going through the motions, just following ...

Last night, I realised that I need to take my freelance project more seriously and get paid for it. I know I'll need the income sooner or later. I figured it was a good opportunity, so I took it on, but honestly, I've never really been that into it. I just figured it would be great for learning. So today, I'm here, on my computer desk, determined to make some real fucking progress for once. At least a single article, no? I don't fucking know, man. I'm sitting here wondering what the hell I even want to do in the first place instead of making progress. It's like, why the hell do I want to do this again? It really feels like it's just for the money. I don't know if I can work just for money. I don't know how other people do. It's not like they're paying me the God damn haul from El Dorado here.  I don't know; I'm probably going to whine a lot and then give it a shot anyhow. Bird in hand's worth two in the bush. I guess I'm just ...

Now, now, no need to fuss anymore, see? I'm typing here. My hands are moving fast, and the words are flowing on the page. That's all that matters, isn't it? Here I've been spending my days lying back and taking it easy. That too, after hustling and rushing for what feels like way too long. Every day, getting up frantically, underslept and chronically unfit. Making my way to those dead walls with dead people, rushing to a red light. "No more!" I said. So I quit, and now I'm supposed to be working from home. But fuck it, I thought, might as well take it easy for a while. True breaks are hard to come by in adult life, unless carved out through blood and bone.  I've just been smoking up and taking it easy. Binge-watching, eating, sleeping, and fucking (my fist lol). But now that I'm forced to go sober again, my head's all fucked up. See, I know I'm an addict. I know I have issues, I've always struggled with substance abuse, but I'm sick...