My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I feel tired. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to move an inch. I try to stop, but it's suffocating. I don't feel good at all. I can't remember the last time I did. I listened to Alan Watts speak recently about how you are already enough. That you don't need to stress and strain to become better. That you can simply exist. I don't think I know how to do that, if I ever did. He says that awakening is about removing the unnecessary. I want to remove myself entirely. Not just the mind and its ailments, but everything that makes me. What is the value of life? I cannot see any. What use is there in this supposedly majestic dance of existence? It eludes me. I feel as though I've been chasing highs my entire life. Running away from the boring, simple grays, and especially the ominous darkness. The past few years, it seems as though it's all caught up to me. I can escape the demons no longer. I cannot even allow myself to befriend them. Yet, I simply canno...

It's not that rare for someone to feel the need to prove themselves worthy of existence. It's far more rare for someone to naturally be themselves, with no guilt or shame. Why is it so? Why do we feel bad for wanting to feel good? Well, you can't feel good all the time. You need to earn the right. Okay sure, but who decides that?  Most norms that we take for granted arise from commonalties in our experience. We all know personally and intuitively, that too much of a good thing is bad. This truth is merely a pattern, a conclusion made familiar by repition. But habits are what make or break us. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. So what's wrong with that? Nothing. (Let sleeping dogs lie 🤭) Everyone hits a wall eventually. Why bother struggling against the inevitable? Except sometimes, the smallest changes can have the biggest impacts. People become actors at 80+ age, start working out at 30, and reinvent themselves at 42. Life is long in hindsight but short in pr...