My Journey

I don't want to think. I don't want to get carried away by my thoughts and end up in a different neighborhood that might prove perilous. I feel like I should leave my home, and work at a good agency in Mumbai. I have such trouble seeing eye-to-eye with these people, and I often feel alone. I'm starting to feel the stress creep up in my periphery, even though I'm aware of it, it's difficult to just let it go. The thing is, you never know when a thought or feeling that's brushed aside will come back with a vengeance. It's sure to bring all of its pals as well, right along with it. What might've been a short outburst becomes blown out of proportion.  There are other feelings around me, after all. I'm not particularly pleased with the massive amount of work I seem to have in front of me. The Genesis Design website, my personal projects, the neverending hopeless pile-up at work. Then there's the stuff at home I have to help out with and the gym. What...

I get the sense that many people see me as somewhat of a loser. They see a man who's gifted with great potential, but who can't get out of his own way. They see that I know so much, that I am so smart, yet I never seem to achieve much of anything. They see me as talented, and they think I'm throwing it all away. Or perhaps they don't think much of me at all. It's much more likely that they're only thinking of themselves, just like me. Thinking of themselves, they are also obsessed with their position in the rat race. Just like myself, perhaps they too are envious of those "ahead" of them. They want to secure themselves and be surrounded by like-minded people. Everyone wants to be around people they want to become more like. That's the sense I get anyway.  For me, this chase for the better has always been fueled by a deep sense of lack. Ambition fueled by insecurity. Maybe if I'll achieve this or that, once I look better, dress hotter, smell sex...

Well, here we are. May is about to begin three days. Almost half the year behind me now. My weight must be above 100kg. My health, less than ideal. Financially, I suppose I'm well above the water with nothing much to show for it, other than an extremely modest body of work, a considerable sense of marketing, and a better understanding of business. In terms of relationships, I'm not particularly in touch with anyone. When I think of certain people, I feel the love, but it's hard to get utility from passive connections. More on that later.  I had made many plans for myself and set a whole bunch of goals. Above all, I often feel a sense of guilt over not doing anything of my own, so to speak. I suppose I feel quite badly about not meeting my expectations. I feel bad for the streak I lost here, it felt so good to write and create in this bubble, a constant source of joy and purpose. But somehow, somewhere, failure was always in store. Ultimately, I love my dreams, but I refuse ...