A Milestone

Well, here we are. May is about to begin three days. Almost half the year behind me now. My weight must be above 100kg. My health, less than ideal. Financially, I suppose I'm well above the water with nothing much to show for it, other than an extremely modest body of work, a considerable sense of marketing, and a better understanding of business. In terms of relationships, I'm not particularly in touch with anyone. When I think of certain people, I feel the love, but it's hard to get utility from passive connections. More on that later. 

I had made many plans for myself and set a whole bunch of goals. Above all, I often feel a sense of guilt over not doing anything of my own, so to speak. I suppose I feel quite badly about not meeting my expectations. I feel bad for the streak I lost here, it felt so good to write and create in this bubble, a constant source of joy and purpose. But somehow, somewhere, failure was always in store. Ultimately, I love my dreams, but I refuse to be bound by them. I need them to be a source of joy and comfort in my life. I need them to be a force for good. 

I had decided that I'll write an article here everyday. When I started falling back, I promised myself I'll start writing two to catch up. Yet here I am, with little to no hope of catching up now, facing certain failure and disappointment. So why am I back? Simply put, I desparately miss it. I miss feeling good about myself. I miss feeling like I'm building something useful. That's the sense I got when I wrote here. I need it back now. It's good to take stock of your life every now and again. It gives you perspective on what's truly important. 

I stopped writing when I got a new job at a marketing firm back on 16th Feb. A few weeks back, near the end of March, I felt this overwhelming sense of burining out. I just wanted to go inside my cave and make myself feel good. And so, I did. After that, I couldn't really stop again. I bought this expensive gym membership, but I can't get myself to show up. I haven't been showing up to work for myself at all. Like limbo, in suspended animation, I've been observing the world from my cocoon. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to struggle anymore. I often fear that I'll never amount to much, or at least I used to anyway. Nowadays, it feels like I'm getting increasingly comfortable with that idea. It doesn't scare me anymore, to never achieve the things I want.

I've gotten a better sense of the costs behind my dreams, how burdensome they can be, just like curses. I dreamed up a life for myself where I was this fit, smart, successful person. I remeber when I wanted it with such naked desparation. I felt like I needed it all to survive. That there was no living for me without it. I felt like it would kill me to live another way, because I would have to comprimise on all of my values. Yet it never occured to me that the way through to a different life would require me to cross the present one. I had to get deep in the trenches and clean them out before I could lay down a foundation and start building. To build a structure on loose ground, to start climbing without a firm grip, that would be the best way for me to slip and squash to my death, indeed. 

You see, I've learned something interesting of late, something that fills me with a renewed sense of assurance. That is, that success is the biggest barrier in itself. I remember working at the old bakery and watching this grumpy, frail, old man teach himself everything he would ever have needed to succeed. I saw him and others hustle, and grind for their dreams, finding their own varying degrees of success. I felt like all one had to do was to get started. So it made me a guilt-ridden mess. I was constantly beating myself up for not giving my 150% every single day. I felt like I needed to work my ass off, and more, if I wanted a chance at it. I tried to force a sense of obligation upon myself. "Most people don't even have something they want to do." I would tell myself. "You are DUTY-BOUND to give your goals a real chance."

Safe to say, while it certainly get the ball rolling, it didn't work for long. I remember learning from Kahneman's work, that the human mind is twice as affected by the negative, than it is by the positive. The negative bias, they called it. It gave us an evolutionary advantage, they explained. Sure, sticking your head in the sand migth keep you from drowing in a storm, or it could just as well kill you. Fear can allow us to live and fight another day. Yet without fighting the good fight, the status quo remains unchanged. Fear might be an effective motivator, but it also acts as the biggest stressor. Muddying the water, it rumbles up a sense of panic, a lack of control. Not that you can gain control or lose fear. Both of those principles are hard-wired to your mortal existense. 

It seems to me that inspiration can be so much more powerful, even more when combined with elritch horrors of cosmic proportions. But the true key differentiator in the entire process, the one thing that truly ends up moving the needle, is the emptyness. Tapping into that sense of silence, that inner peace lying deep within. To learn how to be calmn when facing muddy waters, that's how you truly begin to make meaningful decisions. You begin to respond rather than react. You begin to use your brain and emotions for your benefit, rather than toward your detriment. It's hard to get swept away with a wave when you're grounded. 

Spiritually speaking, I'm doing a bit better nowadays. When life brings you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray. I've been earnestly beating my head against the ground. I've been desprately trying to do the right thing as much as possible. I've been trying my hardest all my life, with nothing to show for it. When you first start trying something out, and you don't really get it, the inital reaction might be to rationalize. Perhaps the thing isn't worth it anyway, maybe it's just stupid and beneath you, maybe it's useful indeed, but not that much of a priority for you, or maybe you see yourself as especially challenged and deserving of sympathy & assistance. Either way, it's hard to go on.

If you're lucky, you keep at it, and you start to get a little better. You feel like maybe you can do it after all, and you're on top of the world. But then, life happens. Shit goes awry, you lose your streak, and you really fall off the wagon so hard that you sense of your position altogether. You find yourself worse-off than you started, and that too, by a hopelessly humbling distance. It feels like you'll never make but, but you have to keep trying anyway. Duty-bound, you feel obligated to start showing up. With no hope of success, you become apathetic. Everything becomes a burdensome chore and feels like a drag. At point, you start to wonder what it's all for anyway. 

So you give up and call it a break. You say that your bones are tired and that you need some rest. You feel like crying but things are comfortable enough that you can't. The dread that prompted the inital effort starts seeping in, as the root cause remains untreated. Dreams start calling once more. The culture reinforces, but more importantly, the inner motivation remains, and one starts to seek evidence to reinforce it. The cycle begins anew, and having repeated it so many times already, you start to become jaded and hopeless. Ever-so-slightly, you start shifting towards the dark side, because your life is devoid of light. It makes a man wonder. It makes one questing everything they've ever held dear, and that's where God walks in. It's tempting to talk about God in an intellectual manner. To break down the utility of that man-made conceptual entity, but just like the most powerful things in life, it is a reality to be experienced, not an idea to be understood.

Experiences can be felt, as they ilicit powerful emotions that one carries forth in their heart's memories. You can sit around in a musky room, argue, and debate about concepts all day long, but reality, it simply exists, with or without acknowledgement. As such, whether you understand it or not, we all feel the strength of that powerful idea at some point in our lives, and it makes sense to be moved by it, one way or another. While some might become religiously devout, others might respond with an equally aggressive rejection. Ultimately, there's a real sense of meaning to be found in the idea of God, but only when it transforms into a belief. Only when a person feels that belief in a higher power in their bones, can they truly feel on top of their game. 

I reckon that "the survival of our tribe" used to be a strong enough connection to a higher power at some point or another. Eventually, they realised that the greater the higher power, the more efficient the results. The stronger that sense of connection, the more robust a source of meaning, and the higher the threshold within the individual for suffering and pain of epic proportions. It makes sense then, that God is defined as an, "All-powerful, all-knowing, and loving entity. But not just any entity. God is the alpha and the omega. He is everything and everywhere." It doesn't get much grander than that. People in India are far more simplistic. Perhaps it's the villaige mindset, or living in a rich land that kept us complacent, or perhaps it was something to do with slavery. But for the people of this country, a powerful God-king, a benevolent ruler, and an undefeatable warrior was enough for their salvation in the form of Ram. 

Although there are many other considerations, like the diversity making polytheism more appropriate, or something else. But it seems like like we didn't need an incomprehensibly powerful image to fall in line and get a sufficiently strong sense of meaning. Then again, perhaps most people just aren't that devout. After all, we haven't conquered the world like the crusaders. All I can say is, that I'm beyond grateful for having my own sense of spirituality and a fruitful personal relationship with God. With all the difficulties I've struggled with, that has been by far the biggest saving grace. Physically I'm a bit fucked. Intellectually I feel a little stagnated. Relationships feel a bit weak at the moment, but not bad by any measure. And emotionally, I'd say I'm feeling pretty good. I've understood very well where I've made mistakes in the past. This makes me rather hopeful for the future.

Let's give them a hard rating out of 10 now: S- 8, P- 2.5, I- 3.5/4, R- 4, E-5. I guess I'm not feeling that great emotionally after all. That's why it's so important to take note of your position once in a while. I think I'm doing quite well spiritually for a variety of reasons. I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by value creation philosophies and ideas. Yet it might do me well to pray a bit more regularly. Just to have that conversation, to keep it alive and well. In fact, I don't see why God shouldn't always walk with me whereever I go. That's how it really should be, for I truly feel lost without them. Physically, it's so so important for me to destress. I realize that it's essentially about being in touch with my body, above anything else. It's simply about a stronger connection. If I am hungry, thirsty, sore, tired, hurt, or stressed out. I can't do anything about it if I don't even know. 

Once I do know, I really need to make it a point to destress like literally all the time. I need to breathe more and relax myself, only then can I get the full benefits of exertion. If I let the stress stack up, unmanaged, it mutates and morphs into something unholy. It corrupts and poisons the entire space. So let's be here, now. Let us slow down and stay grounded in the present moment. Let's keep in touch with my body and make sure to be as relaxed as humanly possible. Intellectually, I just need to read a write a little bit more. It's not much of a big deal. A YouTube video now and then, a Newsletter or two. We know exactly how to work with this aspect by now. Relationships require a lot of finesse right now, and they deserve a dedicated article for discussion. Emotionally, it's important for me to feel whatever I feel without getting swept away by it, and to find more sources of genuine reactions. Positive or negative, as long it's from the heart, it's good for me.

Obviously, we all can benefit from more joy and gratitude in our days, and I am no different. But I feel like I benefit just as much from anxiety, fear, dread, frustration, anger, pain, and most importantly, from sadness. I just love having a good cry now and again. To feel the pains of compassion, of sympathy, it reminds me that I'm still alive. To feel the sadness, anger, and frustration, it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. You can say that it's better to achieve things without pain or sadness, but I think it's so much more enjoyable to overcome adversity than to have never faced it. The hardest-won victories are the most celebrated, just as they are fulfilling. Sure, I can make some time for more quiet moments filled with gratitude. 

I can also benefit form having more sources of joy, but I think those are best encountered organically. Gratitude is best served as a pallate cleanser rather than a prevalent state to live in. If there is to be a default mode, I am absolutely convinced that the deep silence within has to be the most ideal. It's like standing in the middle of the a football goalpost, because the ball can come from any direction. Much more than that, it just feels good. I think that with a little maintainence and some regular polish, this is a good way to live life, right in the middle. Of course, the real fun of life is when this inner state meets the outside world, where the influence of control is ever-so-limited. That's where the game is played and it couldn't be any other way. So let's go for round two, or round 5672, I mean who's keeping count anyway? 

All I know is where I've been, where I am now, and the general direction of where I am headed. As the Sun is bright, that is all I really need. It's worthwhile for me to note, though, that this must mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life once more. The page has turned and I've crossed another milestone, for I have returned here once again. Work is going well, things have taken off, but my greedy desires, the lust for power, and monumental impatience have been working against me. Yet finally, I find myself once more, standing on solid ground. I keep trying to push myself and I keep slipping, but I finally feel like I'm starting to get the hang of it all. Things seem to be coming together better than ever before. 

Anger and frustration have become my friends, and it's only natural for me to have reservations about victory and achievement, as someone who doesn't feel like they've ever truly won at anything. Indeed I've been disillusioned of late, lathargic, lazy, unmotivated, unwilling, and all the while struggling with self-esteem. Afraid I'll never amount to much, dreading the final defeat with no hope of victory. Yet all that fear and sin has bought me back to God's divine embrace. It truly offers salvation for all, at any moment, should one choose to accept it. All I can say is that, after a really long time, longer than I can recall, things feel different. I feel different, and I don't feel like myself, in the best possible way, because I do feel like myself, except this is a part of me that I never truly remembered. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like a normal fucking human being. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, and although I've felt glimpses of this before, it feels like this time, it's here to stay. If that isn't a milestone worth remebering, I don't know what is.