What I don't want to think about

I don't want to think. I don't want to get carried away by my thoughts and end up in a different neighborhood that might prove perilous. I feel like I should leave my home, and work at a good agency in Mumbai. I have such trouble seeing eye-to-eye with these people, and I often feel alone. I'm starting to feel the stress creep up in my periphery, even though I'm aware of it, it's difficult to just let it go. The thing is, you never know when a thought or feeling that's brushed aside will come back with a vengeance. It's sure to bring all of its pals as well, right along with it. What might've been a short outburst becomes blown out of proportion. 

There are other feelings around me, after all. I'm not particularly pleased with the massive amount of work I seem to have in front of me. The Genesis Design website, my personal projects, the neverending hopeless pile-up at work. Then there's the stuff at home I have to help out with and the gym. What's more, if I don't get enough sleep, nutrition, hydration, and stress relief, the fatigue will start to build again. I don't want to feel sorry about myself. I don't want to feel angry, frustrated, hopeless, and sad. I don't want to grow bitter and tired until I have to run back to my destructive vices.

Then again, I don't really want to work with these people or live in this city in the first place. I want to be somewhere else, with someone else. How lucky must one be to have mutual understanding and connection? Imagine being able to speak to those around you in your own language to your heart's content. Imagine being loved, held, and appreciated. Yet success, love, happiness, and money, all these must be earned. The truth is, there's a great irony to happiness. One needs to be able to empty their mind and nudge toward their desired direction, while at the same time, giving themselves time to feel and heal. 

This brings us to another particularly disturbing phenomenon in the modern world: Artificial production. You see, in nature, a tree grows out from a mere seed when the conditions are correct. According to its unique circumstances and potential, it does so in its own time. Living, organic creatures tend to have their own pace like that. Yet for most people most of the time, everything needs to happen fucking yesterday. Everyone wants it so fucking fast for such bullshit reasons. They don't care about reality, and they don't care about the costs. All they care about is their pathetic little lives that never seem to be enough. 

Marketing is a cancer that thrives at the root of this problem, and I hate going face-to-face with it every day. I have a vision of what marketing could be, of what it oughta be by all rights, because if it doesn't transform itself, it's very much at the end of the line. To deal with real problems in a meaningful way. To allow your creativity to make mistakes, and to keep the stuff that works. To create something of lasting value to another living being. That is what it means to make money. Value creation is at the heart of generating real wealth. 

You might think it's too philosophical, but this is what my experience with reality has led me to believe. Rushing to a red light in a bullshit fucking profession for a basic income that I'd rather spend on stress relief. This horrid cycle of being alone and feeling stuck by constantly being pulled in the wrong direction. It's all so raw and gruesome. Many people have the luxury of having someone in their life that they can talk to about anything and everything. Some of them always have someone or the other at any given point. Yet everyone suffers more than they can endure, having to bite off more than they can chew, enough that they may never hope to digest. 

Being able to stomach harsh truths demands the best of you. It requires you to show up and give it your all. It loosens up your demons and bleeds out your angels. Yet for me to forget about all this, I first need to acknowledge it. I might be overjoyed by having someone to talk to, but it'll never satisfy me until I know I could do without it. That's just the gift and the curse of endless curiosity. It's an inevitable byproduct of an unwavering commitment to the neverending pursuit of truth. So here I sit, writing about the things that have troubled me today, in order to free myself of them without the need of harmful substances.

I feel silly for having shared this blog with so many now, it's such a personal thing. It's not really for anyone else unless they're like me and can find some benefit in my unfiltered journey. It's more of a conversation between me and God almighty. Kind of like a thank you, a "let's take a moment to take stock of this moment, and truly appreciate it for all its worth. Let's thank the pains and sorrows, for they make room for something better, and love the good bits that make it all worthwhile just the same." I suppose this feels better to me than any other form of praying. It's tangible, meaningful, and concrete while being symbolic enough to be up open to interpretation when it really matters. Anyway, I'm tired now and I haven't done a whole bunch of things, which I will deal with tomorrow. For now, it's time to hit the hay. 

Truth is, I'm going a little insane here at home. I can't bear this feeling of being stuck in a toxic, fucked up, exploitative environment. I feel like my parents are just using me, that this is why they birthed me in the first place, and that it's all so unbearably fucking suffocating. But I feel for them too, I see where they're coming from and where they're going. I truly feel lucky to have them, but they really fucking suck. 

So you see, I might say a sweet little prayer and talk about gratitude, but the reality is far from puppies and rainbows. I've got some very disturbing things knocking around my head. Like a fuse set ready to blow, I can sometimes feel the ticking of that time bomb. Yet the only one who feels hurt when it explodes, is none other than me. Yet after all those ups and downs, as I look toward an increasingly unpredictable world and a precarious future, I can say one thing for sure and for the first time in my life: I'm here to stay till the bitter end.