On Values & Making Up For Mistakes

Having written a lot about why I do things in the past, I've come to realise the power of understanding my emotions as a means to access my perspective. Indeed, it seems that my instinctual self-narrative heavily influences my daily decisions. On that note, adds Adam Grant with his latest social media insight: values are what you sacrifice for, not just the stuff you care about.

This, combined with Dr. K's "You can't make up for your mistakes" has been on my mind of late. Dr Alok's insight was instinctually valuable when I heard it first yedterday morning, but over the entire day, I watched it play out in action. As an addict, I've been guilty of this mentality for many years. I choose to do harmful acts and tell myself that I'll make up for them later.

As a psychologist, I'm sure his insight came from real experience, nevertheless it ticked me off. Things are hard enough when you're depressed, and negativity seems to bring you down further. Perhaps that's why I never liked Dr. K's work in the past, he was annoyingly productive, action/solution-oriented and direct in his discussions. Yet, even though I'm not fond of his content, I find myself getting value nonetheless.

I found that a big cause of my anxiety was because of past mistakes and the pressure to make up for them. Things become heavier and heavier, as you must carry the weight of all your past mistakes with every new step. Every new mistake is then riddled with guilt, even if unavoidable, as you have to now make up for those as well. I suppose this is a rather late-stage perspective of this mental fallacy.

So taking the responsability for all your mistakes can be incredibly empowering. It became counter-intuitive because when you are down in the dumps and at the bottom of the barrel, when you are suicidal and depressed, it's a state of emergency, a storm to be weathered. In that state of desparate panic, you tell yourself that , "It's okay, everything is okay, and everythign is going to be okay." to calm down.

Even though ultimately submitting to the storm, letting it bash you around, and unearth all your rot, is what actually makes it okay, trying to repeat those reassuring words becomes a faux pas. Yet, it also becomes a proxy. The mind substitutes the reality (how things actually improved) with the conscious efforts of the ego, giving them a false value.

Of course, you need optimism and faith that the future is bright. You must also believe that no matter what horrible things happen, you will be able to deal with them. Yet, reassuring affirmations are given undue attention in this process. Show, don't tell, and watch your narrative shift more powerfully. Words can be shallow and vain. So, that's why I was reluctant to accept this insight for a long time.

Nevertheless, I gave it a chance and it immediately resonated with me. I accepted the full weight of that implication:

• Your actions have permanent consequences. Lost time will never come back ever again.
• Mistakes can never be truly recovered. You can NEVER make up for your mistakes.
• Actions have value and meaning. Choices truly matter. Damage can never be reversed.
• Problems are unavoidable, you can never avoid every single mistake. 
• No amount of justifications, apologies, or improvements can ever undo the initial suffering.

It seems obvious to anyone that all this is very doom and gloom. How can this be motivating? Yet, this is a perfect example of how what works for healthy, normal people, just doesn't for those wired differently. Making up for your mistakes is a snake oil balm. It makes you feel good momentarily while your insides corrode. 

Taking responsability is alopathy. It can seem savage, harsh, and cruel at times. It's almost always uncomfortable initially. Yet, over time, it leads to real healing and lasting improvements. Once I accepted that my horrible habts, overweight + weak body, mental issues, and inner weaknesses are caused by irreversable past mistakes, it put everything else in perspective:

• Most importantly: Avoid making things any worse if possible. Do as much good as possible.
• If mistakes are unavoidable, then there's no use fussing over them and crying over spilled milk.
• What's done is done. All we can do is look ahead and work with what we have.
• To better avoid mistakes, let's look at the wreckage for improvements, because actions matter.
• To do things better, let's focus on solutions rather than carry our past mistakes.

I suppose I can see what Carl Rogers was on to with his humanistic approach. Add this to the bucket of how people want to be good when all their needs are met. Anyway, the most fruitful part of this dicovery for me was that once I stopped feeling guiltly about my mistakes, I actually started feeling emotionally that mistakes are the fuel for growth.

Perhaps it's the only thing remaining that can make me feel good about myself after acknowledging my mistakes so fatally. Yet, isn't it true that mistakes are truly unavoidable? It's not avisable to talk about this stuff with children, because this is the kind of stuff you discover along the way. You don't want to discourage action, but quietly promote, reward, or reinforce the good behavior.

Still, when you actually, genuinely try do something, you see the universality of this. The more you try, the more damage you inadvertently do. The more you struggle, the more you mess up. This doesn't seem like a glitch as much as a feature. Firstly, I think it promotes a healthy focus on action. Bad and good are thigns you figure out after the fact in most situations. Just do something and see what happens.

Then there's the strange feeling of progression. Before, progress was completely screwed. You take one step, two back, one forward, three back, four forward, twelve back, etc. Keeping track of this was hellish and you could only see a downward trend with a ton of efforts. Very demotivating situation. 

Once you let go and say, "Okay, we're in a deep hole and it's our fault." Then there's no point keeping track or making a plan. All that matters is all that's left to do: climb. So you keep your eyes ahead and focus on climbing. That's when I truly realised that the failures were a part of the process; once I understood the full weight of their permanence.

You fully understand that smoking weed has fucked up your brain. No point even trying to make up for it, it's impossible. Let's focus entirely on what we can do with this fucked up brain. Now, suddenly, in the active engagment of trying to apply yourself, you find that you have much to offer. Most of the value came from nonsensical mistakes. Now, you failures become fuel, because they are your fault.

An important note for readers is that its one thing to know the theory that you must take responsability, it's another to actually apply it. You never really know what mistakes you are making, so it's better to rely on other people, even if you don't know those people and they aren't speaking to you directly. They can offer incredibly insightful perspectives on things that you can then apply or reject for yourself.

Moving on to values as the stuff you sacrifice for. This is something more aspirational than experienced for me. The core insight is that values are formed by action. Personally, I have felt a lot of internal conflict that I want to untangle around that. There are values I seem to aspire, which I somehow fail to practice. Perhaps a deliberate look at my actions and choices can help me prioritise things better.

Or perhaps it's as simple as putting it in practice? Maybe the words resonated because I've been sacrificing my values and wondering why I feel like shit. When I look out in the world, I see scammers, thrifters, swindlers, and shams. It's gotten so bad that principles themsevles are seen as a weakness. "No-faff" ticks me off for that reason.

No-nonsense, hyper-optmized, cold-hearted business is legit. Values, hopes, dreams, and emotions are liabilities. Following your curiosity is called idle learning. Doing nothing is wasting time. So hustle and grind your ass off, tell people what they need to hear, and fake it till you make it. Do anything and anything, whatever it takes to be able to afford that cabin in the woods or mountain lounge.

Sacrifice your present for a better future. All those things tick me off. I admire people who search for, create, and share win-win situations. Work that fills bellies while fulfilling hearts, minds, and souls. Where the things we do are fun, interesting, and satisfying while also being lucrative and profitable. I've found that pain is inevitable, though.

Sometimes, no matter what you strive to do, you have to lose for a long time before you can win. You have to push the flywheel before it takes off. I believe that we all things that might be hard for us, but are also inherently rewarding. I struggle with this a lot, because I see writing, learning, building, creating, and problem-solving as good and interesting, but as soon as the first sign of frustration comes, I feel like quitting.

There won't be a constant state of flow until you build it bit by bit, one mistake at a time. So ultimately, it's not some mental string I need to pull at, my answers will be found in the process of making mistakes and learning from them. It will hurt and cost me greatly. I'll have to sit down, huntched over a desk for thousands of hours before I can learn to maintain my flow while moving.

I'll be poor and broke for years before I can build up a reputation. I'll have to get comfortable with being unable to breathe before my lungs can adapt to this new reality. I must remain clam and ease into it. Every time I open social media, I'm mildly amused, frustrated, or hungry. Either way, it's a small piece of noise that just drains my energy. Days go by and I crash into bed.

For a really long time in my life, all I could manage to do was survive. To keep breathing, hang in there, and let time pass. Now, I have everything I need to start building a real solution. I have what it takes to create my own ideal way to live, and to play it out till the end of my days. "The first part of life you learn, second part you earn, and third part you return."

Wealth was never just about earning money. It was about earning peace, happiness, joys, and values. If I value novel thinking, creative, solutions, win-win situations, love, understanding, power, competence, and growth, I need to earn them. What I do might not even matter that much, just that I keep working toward that end goal, progress is inevitable.

Sure, I want to do many things, but I want to actually start doing them instead of grasping at straws, spinning my wheels, and running around like a headless chicken. A while ago I made a list of the things I didn't want, and I'm pretty clear on what I do want. It never occured to me that I had to sacrifice the former to attain the latter. It's strange how I get stuck on the smallest, strangest things. 

Nevertheless, that is how it is, so lets move ahead regardless. The obvious ones to go are my sense of comfort, shallow pleasures, and draining addictions. I've already sacrificed a few, but the image should be of a chopping block followed by a furance. It hurts and is painful when I must kill things that do not serve me, because they have become a part of who I am.

Yet, after the ugly, uncomfortable, stressful, and difficult part lopping those things off, after resisting their allure, focusing elsewhere, and even by being idle we move closer. A million lightyears, one step at a time. I may never reach some of the things I dream off, but there are sure to be some amazing sights along the way.

And who knows how far we can go? Every step is farther than we have gone. We'll never know until we try. Everytime we divert our attention from what does not serve us, evevrytime we sit alone doing nothing, and make efforts to move toward our goals, we scrape, crack, and shave off a miniscule piece of husk. 

Each piece, adds fuel to the fire. The furnace glows softly, after years of flashy-fires and violent white explosions, it's covered in soot, smothered in muck, and dangling all over in tatthered pieces. Yet, ever glow adds to my strength. Every nudge empowers my efforts. Inevitably, this will grow to an all-consuming, raging fire ever unstoppable and invinsible.

The question is, will I fight it or give in? No longer will I cling to the old for the new. Let's create more fuel. Let's sacrifice what was to make more room.