Just Checking In

A lot has happened since I last wrote here. Even though I'm objectively in the worst shape of my life, I'm starting to remember the source of my strength, the power of mind over matter. I can feel the tide turning, and achievement seems more inevitable than ever before. As I imagine the true value of reaching my goals, maybe for the first time ever, I try my best not to trip over myself.

That's why I've been nudging myself to focus on the present moment and to find inherent enjoyment in engaging with my problems. I've been through this hopecore arc before, and I've gone through what comes next. I was wide-eyed and optimistic when I was young, thinking the right mindset and good choices could solve everything.

I've also been jaded and hopeless for a long time. It's time to let myself switch once more. It's better to hope, try, fail, and hurt, rather than to stay in the same place forever. I've stagnated, confusing inaction with safety, but I see more clearly now. Hope, presence, courage, boredom, and the pains of freedom are far more agreeable than the shame of regret.

Of course, tides will continue to turn even now. One cannot always rely on hope, justice, or the kindness of others. There might be wars in the future that derail all that's good, and I might find myself feeling like a fool. I shall adapt and improve myself when that wretched day comes. I shall learn to persevere on faith alone. 

Not in God, nature, or the universe, but a faith in myself and my potential for wonder. This is the proper way to live, and that much is clear by now, especially after tasting all manners of defeat. Putting one foot in front of the other, in the face of certain doom, is there anything better in this mad world? Sure, there are glimpses of heaven, whirlpools of pleasure, and symphonies of bliss to be found.

Yet, as I've grown to see the pain of pleasure, the good in the bad, the yin in the yang, I find the greatest good just as unsavory as the most irredeemable of evils. Instead, I've grown to appreciate grit, complexity, and nuance. Joy in the face of failure, misery in victory, and the strength to keep going. Life is not a fight, but the longest of all journeys. 

Good and evil, failure and victory, achievement and success, strength and weakness, they all pale in comparison to real presence. The purest of all earthly matters, the essence of the spirit, when unflinching in the face of storms, peaks, valleys, and summer days, is the mightiest source of otherworldly treasures. What is the difference between art and propaganda?

Art has no agenda. It is driven by curiosity and offers the means to exploration. It is pure, non-sensical, incomprehensibly fallible fun. Propaganda, on the other hand, always comes with terms and conditions. Checklists, to-dos, promises, contractual agreements, and never-ending obligations. It's the same way with life.

As if attachment itself weren't pervasive enough, we multiply it through culture, and every other tool at our disposal. Or perhaps our tools and culture are an expression of our attachment. Nevertheless, I once heard two accomplished, mature individuals discuss a certain way of life in a picturesque mountain cabin hidden inside a forest. 

They spoke of detached action, where they simply take care of whatever needs to be done without getting too emotionally involved. This wasn't an alien concept to me. I read a book in 10th grade, which broke down the intricacies of the ego (Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth). I thought it was a strange idea, to live while dead inside, so disconnected from their fellow humans.

On a deeper level, I knew the profound significance of this almost sacred knowledge. Yet, I felt compelled to test it out and see for myself. I felt like experiencing the journey myself was the whole point. Plus, how could I meaningfully connect with others when I never truly knew their plights? So I dove headfirst into the hellish realm of the ego.

I tried to make something of myself, to show others that I was someone. I searched for a place in the world, pursued a career, and ruffled through Earth's so-called wonders. I loved, lost, and felt the weight of despair. It was a fun game, and I can see its appeal. It certainly wears you out, though, to try and be a person. It's hard to stay true and easy to get lost.

Now, having emerged from the other side of that game, I have no regrets about the matter. I'm far more willing to dive deeper, now that I've seen the horrors. This brings me back to what I appreciate the most at present. Those rare souls who can hold conflict. The ones that see through the game, but play their part anyway, because what the hell else are you going to do while you're here? Ha ha

When people can see the paradox and are pulled towards it, when they see dissonance as a path to progress, it lights up my eyes and sets my heart ablaze. That's who I strive to be, that's what I praise. Alas, it's time to continue my journey. Thank you for listening, hope you are also learning. I do enjoy a good little rhyme here and there, haha. Hope you are having fun too :)