My Journey

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...

I feel tired. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to move an inch. I try to stop, but it's suffocating. I don't feel good at all. I can't remember the last time I did. I listened to Alan Watts speak recently about how you are already enough. That you don't need to stress and strain to become better. That you can simply exist. I don't think I know how to do that, if I ever did. He says that awakening is about removing the unnecessary. I want to remove myself entirely. Not just the mind and its ailments, but everything that makes me. What is the value of life? I cannot see any. What use is there in this supposedly majestic dance of existence? It eludes me. I feel as though I've been chasing highs my entire life. Running away from the boring, simple grays, and especially the ominous darkness. The past few years, it seems as though it's all caught up to me. I can escape the demons no longer. I cannot even allow myself to befriend them. Yet, I simply canno...

It's not that rare for someone to feel the need to prove themselves worthy of existence. It's far more rare for someone to naturally be themselves, with no guilt or shame. Why is it so? Why do we feel bad for wanting to feel good? Well, you can't feel good all the time. You need to earn the right. Okay sure, but who decides that?  Most norms that we take for granted arise from commonalties in our experience. We all know personally and intuitively, that too much of a good thing is bad. This truth is merely a pattern, a conclusion made familiar by repition. But habits are what make or break us. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. So what's wrong with that? Nothing. (Let sleeping dogs lie 🤭) Everyone hits a wall eventually. Why bother struggling against the inevitable? Except sometimes, the smallest changes can have the biggest impacts. People become actors at 80+ age, start working out at 30, and reinvent themselves at 42. Life is long in hindsight but short in pr...

I write my thoughts to express myself, driven by creative instinct. Not in some esoteric serious way, but as who anyone likes to work with their hands to make what wouldn't have existed without them. There is some essential human need behind it. Perhaps the same one that instinctively and unconsciously leads us to procreate, for I feel it just as strongly, if not more.  Today, I'm here to remind myself of some things. Things that feel so divine when they are in front of me, but which invariably slip away as life paces on. It's the vision of the life I want to lead. Not a constant state of perfection to be protected at any cost, but a pleasant state of mind, which would be excellent to live in as much as possible.  I dreamt of fighting with my mother last night, of standing up to her and just screaming my head off. It was a total meltdown, by the way, much scarier than a mere tantrum. I really blew my lid off and said some harsh things, but damn, it was so fucking satisfying...

I never thought it would be easy. But I suppose I was desperate to find out if I had what it took. I've quit many jobs to follow my heart, and each time I inch closer to some kind of salvation. This time feels different. Like all paths around me are crumbling down and cornering me. I feel my hopelessness overpowering my desperation. No matter how many times I slip and fall, I tell myself it isn't my fault. Blaming never got me too far in the past. Yet it is time to evolve or die. Taking a hard look in the mirror, I see deplorable corruption and pitiless failure. A disgustingly flabby, soft, and selfish figure, seeking to devour whole anything that lay in its path. Yet, behind the mutations of the flesh, there is a glimmer of light that's begging to gleam. Suffocating under the dark, murky gloop of rotting slime, I can recognise it as the source of my experience.  My gut tells me that this golden shimmer is what gives value to everything. Without it, even the cursed pleasure...

I'm not a particularly superstitious guy. I mean, I'm afraid of the dark like any other sensible creature, but mostly I'd call myself pragmatic. Still, whenever I find myself on my own schedule (like indefinite WFM), I always fall back to the comfort of a good horoscope. The Times of India has a pretty good one, too. So every day I wake up, ready to be my own worst enemy, in charge of my own ship, and I look it up for a sign of the dangers to come.  Today's horoscope was particularly haunting to me. It said, in so many words, that I have been ignoring certain thoughts for many months now, and that they keep coming back, longing to be heard. That I should focus in and "work it through" for I may realise that I'm still processing something that happened months ago. Funny thing is, I've come to realise that I'm still processing my childhood even, never mind a few months back, or today for that matter! Still, I'm not anything if honest with myself,...

Accountability Mirror I did the accountability mirror, even though I thought it was cringey and dumb while reading it. I thought that this was not how it worked. I'd written down my goals before, although that was far more lax. You rile yourself up, push yourself with great effort, and make a little progress, and then you crash, burn, and fall back two steps after taking only one. That's what I did. Still, I had heard David speak, I'd looked him in his eyes as he did, and I deeply respected the man. I was determined to give this a real shot. I read the challenge at night, woke up in the morning, and when I wrote down my goals on the sticky notes, I was sincere. I wrote down all the big ones, and while speaking to myself, I gave myself tasks for the day to make progress on each one. After many years, I felt like I was making some real progress yesterday. I didn't get much sleep, and I didn't complete them all. Today, I woke up feeling disheartened, and didn't hav...