Why Bother?

So I've been writing a lot recently. I have a full time job at a direct marketing agency specialising in SMS. For them, I write social media copy, captions, plans, blogs, articles, website content (more copy), messages (as in client communication), reports, and things of that nature. Then, I write LinkedIn posts and articles for a client on freelance basis. Of course, I also have a whole bunch of projects I'm always working on mentally and a lot of great ideas I want to explore. I also try to help my mom, dad, and friends with whatever strategic or writing assistence I can provide, although I'd love to do a lot more.

All this work and no play? I try to make it so that work is play. Alas, it ain't meant to be. In the real world, we need to execute and fulfil our obligations in timeley manners. I think that's pretty great in itself, but not when you're trying to make a job out of your passion. Either way, when I wrote another entry here about leaving my job yesterday, it reminded me how liberating it was to just write without thinking, worrying, or calculating. This particular space is not about other people at all. It's somewhere I can create without limitations of any kind. No polish or obligations, just unbrindled self-expression.

I stopped writing here multiple times for various reasons. One of those times, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels and that I needed to put my talents to good use for the world's benefit. I had this notion that if I just took a leap of faith and earnestly started working on my ideas, I would find this unrestricted growth and unimaginable success. I think that's my heart, taking in all the information that my mind could never be aware of. Yet, my individual experience, even the unconscious one, is far too limited.

The way I see it, I don't want to necessarily listen to someone who hasn't overcome some great difficulties. There's just a completely different energy to those people. When they talk, I listen. Especially ones that have come out of dark times with kind hearts and pure souls. Those are my people. Of course I have tons of difficulties that I need to take care of. That's part of the reason I chose to become a world-class storyteller. It's a worthy pursuit for me, oozing with intrinsic value. It's natural to doubt and I don't blame any trailblazer to be wary of it.

But it's even more important to acknowledge potential truths. For instance, it might be possible still that all my efforts are just motivated by a deeply vulnerable need to be seen, feel heard, held, understood, and even appreciated. Looking back, it makes complete sense as I carry this child version of myself within me, and when I imagine that I just want to prove myself as worthy of living, it just feels rigth. Does that make my goals meaningless? Does it diminish the value of my pursuits?

Perhaps it does. Maybe bad intentions cannot really inspire good actions. I always try to be wary of my inner self. I try my best nowadays to pay heed to my feelings and to honor them fully. Leaving my job was a big part of that, although I'm still serving my notice period, and a big part of me wants to stay and finish what I started in a satisfactory manner. As I try my best to do right, I also acknowledge that all my feelings, experiences, and ambitions make me who I am. 

To me, experiencing everything the world has to offer, the entire spectrum of human emotions, is the greatest ambition of all. To pick a craft and master every aspect of it, to make money and serve others, to be free, to build something valuable, and to conquer myself, these are the things I'm currently obsessed with. Everything I do, is driven by those needs. There are ways in which I am failing. I'm not taking as good care of myself as I'd like. I'm not making enough progress of my projects that I believe in the most. 

My health has severly deteriorated, diminishing my entire quality of life. That is the biggest blow of all, I think. The notion that I have to choose between my personal success and the servitude of others. It's something I struggle with the most. Imagine putting off months of processing emotions, and then doing it all on a weekend. While this obsessive productivity seems pathalogical, if not psychotic, I think this is how most people are forced to live the majority of their lives. Tell me honestly, dear reader, how well could I really create, if I have little to no clue what that's like? 

I think I really want to get a mind-numbing retail job too, where I just sit on a cash register, manage stock, and look after a store, just to see what that's like. I also really want to start taking better care of myself, since I know that will improve my entire life. But right now, I'm in a weird spot where I literally have to choose between things like delivering on a project and getting sleep or working out. It's tough, and we're all struggling.

At some point, though, you really have to think, why even bother? Honestly, take a serious look around you and ask, "Is this really what I truly want to do with my life?" My mother thinks the world will fall apart if everyone thinks like that. I think we will all start to heal, grow, and evolve like never before. Improving the quality of life never truly dimishes productivity. If it does, you need to update your definition of the word. 

I know my answer: "YES!" I hate the things I struggle with from my core. Ignorance, mediocrity, apathy, lathargy, gluttony, and sins galore. Don't get me wrong on that. I fall down flat on my face and it rattles my bones, leaving me discombabulated enough to confuse up for down. Yet I can't think of anything else I would rather struggle with than this. Multiple creative projects with a good degree of freedom. (that pay me money lol) Figuring out how to keep my own flame alive along the way. Helping my parents with their lives, and my mom with her business. 

Trying my best to show up for my friends whom I adore. As difficult and seemingly hopeless at times, I love the drama and the pain of it all just as much as the everglow. For me, that's enough to bother with it. It's more than enough to make me feel grateful. Not always, but at least right now. I can't imagine what more you could ask for, as I was quite affluent as a kid by comparision and that was literally the most miserable time of my life lol.