Everything Sucks, but Merry Christmas

My world is full of splitting paths, endless horizons, peaks, valleys, and everything in between. Yet, I always seem to end up coming around to the same old parts. Even when things seem different on the surface, I feel the same as I always have. There's something perculiar about therapeutic activities. They cleanse me from within. Perhaps everyone is different, and most people have someone else to lean on, but I always find myself backed up and stuffed to the brink with some kind of gunk. 

It also seems like it wasn't always gunk to begin with. That perhaps there was a time and a place, maybe even some people out there who could've used these inner resources, if they came out in a particular way. Like what I had to say mattered to someone. I somehow find that hard to believe, contrary to my gut feelings. I discovered this year that I have a tendency toward inaction. It seems that I prefer to let things be, to go with the flow and not stir up the pot.

An adaptation from a time where I felt too much for those around me. I wish I could leave this disfunctional habit behind, to let my hair down, and march forward to a better place, a different place, some place I have never been. I stopped writing here because I felt a sense of duty to my family, but as soon as I sacrifice something of my own for another, all my will power seems to escape somewhere out of reach. 

I thought that I had to do this or that. That I must build my portfolio and hone my skills before rejoining the workforce and earning my keep. Yet, when I begun to do this, very thought exhausted me so much that I could've slept for days at once. Whenever I try to do things, they start to seem impossible, to the point where my life is starting to feel inevitable. I hate that feeling, that I can't help but be a certain way. It's a suffocating and oppressive thought.

It's like I'm possessed. Like I'm just a patch of dirt that was impregnated with a seed long ago, and that my only discernible purpose is to sacrifice my all to bear its fruit. No matter how ugly the plant may be, no matter how useless, regardless of how little I care of it, or what I would like to grow or be instead, I can't help but bloom a certain way. It bursts out of me whether I like it or not. Even if its creation means my certain destruction. 

Must I be thankful for my doom? Can I be? The more I feel compelled to do something, the clearer I see the flaws, the egotistic motivations, the selfish insecurities, all the thorns and prickly nails that lay hidden on the path. I instinctively resist everything. I just want to move slower and curl up in a ball. I just want to do nothing. To be a mere observer, a fly on the wall, to never risk a scratch or a broken knee, it all scares me to no end.

Movement feels clunkly and unfortable. Like everything I do is all wrong. Like everything in sight spells utter defeat. Like I can't do anything right at all anyhow, so why even try? If I'm going to die anyway, why not just lay down my arms and go gently into the night? A quiet flicker sounds so much better than a loud bang. Except it's not really quiet now, is it? Instead of clammering for other's attention, I'm just exploding internally, and I'm the one who suffers.

I think of myself as a child, talking to some all-knowing, powerful figure. I ask, "What is the right way to live for me?" They have an answer, but no matter what it is, it won't suffice. If it sounds good, its mere existence shuts out all other possibilities, giving then a certain allure and mystery. If it sounds bad, it's a life sentence. If it sounds strange, it feels alien and grotesque. Either way, I find it hard to commit and easy to resist. That is the curse of knowing what you want the most.

I envy people who can just do whatever's in front of them without a second thought. I imagine them to be so damn free. I want to be free. It's like everyone is so busy with their own little mission, trying to win their own race, that they can't afford to just sit around and do nothing with me. It seems like the world doesn't want me. But I don't really want to do nothing either. I want to sing, dance, run, jump, laugh, cry, sob, and love openly. 

Between a rock and a hard place doesn't do it justice. Limbo or purgatory seems more appropriate. Purgatory, as in "purge," a place where sinners get redeemed before going to heaven. What is it that I need to get rid of to move on? Anytime I start moving toward something, I judge myself as vain and shallow. My motivations seem corrupt and I don't feel like I'm headed the right way. I feel the need to respect that as key to the process of becoming. 

All these feelings of wanting to do things and resisting them at the same time, I believe that they will all work themselves out. I have things that I really want to do, like read certain books, write things, learn skills, and create experiences. Yet I find myself unable to begin because of unknown forces. I often feel blocked and unable to move forward. If I have learned anything, it's to forgive myself, not forget what has happened, and keep coming back no matter what. 

With that, even though I feel like shit, I look ahead to what's around the corner. At the same time, I look back to remember some of the biggest lessons I've learned of late:

- I resonate so deeply with the words of Alan Watts. Life is meant to be a game. Anyone that tells you something different is either using you or trying to sell you something. Forget hustling or grinding, I want to flow, focus, hone in, and tune with the things I care about the most. 

- I have certain tendencies that can hold me back. I tend to prefer inaction as it served me in my childhood. I get scared and assume the worst. I'm often lonely, I shut people out, and push others away. Just because things have gone a certain way until now, doesn't mean that they will never improve. 

- Luck matters and so does skill. Misfortune does not have to hamper my abilities. I need not be defeated by setbacks. I can focus on what I can do without beating myself up for what's out of my hands, or even by being bothered by it. 

- At the same time, it's okay to feel angry, sad, miserable, horny, lonely, greedy, hungry, weak, or defeated. Nothing is off limits, anything goes. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions, they can all come and go with or without invitations, a lot like luck. They don't have to dictate my actions. 

- Fundamentals matter. Universal truths and unchanging foundations will always win over hot trends and flashy new things. Old is gold because it has stood the test of time, but history tends to repeat itself anyway, so look for the things that repeat. 

- Finally, I always get pulled in a million different directions for a billions different reasons. I don't have to stick to a single thing to succeed, but cutting the excess will likely improve my experience. Choosing 5 things is better than chasing 20.