Why so serious?

I haven't written here for a long time because I thought I had found a good place to practice daily writing at my recently joined job. I figured it's good to practice writing while getting paid for it. I realize now that there were many other benefits to writing here. Sometimes you need to let some shit out that isn't necessarily worth listening to. Many times you need to let go of things but are unable. Pretty often you need to say something when there is no one around to listen. I went to watch a Bollywood movie called Bhola today. It was directed by and starred Ajay Devgn. I felt like it was pretty much irredeemable, most of the things that are wrong with the medium rolled up in one. I watched it because my boss took us all out for a treat. It felt a little torturous but hey, I'm a team player.

Anyway, I realized that the six other fellows didn't see eye to eye with me. None of them liked the movie either, mind you, it was the reasons for disliking it that we disagreed on. The movie is not something I wish to discuss further, but after discussing it with my boss and seeing the turnout, I felt a little disheartened. I feel a bit like why am I wracking my brain against something that nobody else seems to care much about. My ideas are so different, why would anyone care? I've noticed that this blog has become a pandora's box of my darkest thoughts. Writing them down lets me feel free and empty. I realize also that the current way of the world is to want to connect with people that are out of reach through a screen. Rather than reaching out to the one next to me. A sense of disconnection fills my heart when I go out of my house. A sense of loneliness. 

Why do I write these personal things here in the public domain? I think the biggest reason is a kind of healthy neediness and longing for connection. I don't expect anyone to read these, and I don't think anyone would ever want to. But in my heart of hearts, I wish, I long to be seen in all of my being. I seek the love that is endless and infinite. I seek company that I can truly cherish. At the end of the day, I want someone, anyone to care enough about me that they would want to know everything there is to know about me. So I leave my words within reach. I leave my deepest secrets open to the public domain. I wait here, patiently. And in the meantime, I give myself the best company of all. It's weird to be human. To long for deep, intimate connection, to feel a sense of belonging and brotherhood, yet to want complete and total solitude, sovereignty, and freedom. Add that to the list of paradoxes that make us truly human. 

If you are reading this, I love you dearly. I might not know you personally, but I have seen your soul within myself. It is the most beautiful, merciful, and meaningful thing I have ever seen.

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