Let's Find Out

It's a new month and it really feels like a new beginning. Sobriety is treating me well and I feel pretty good. It's time to focus on setting up a system again, but more importantly, now I get to double down on figthing my demons everyday. That's the theme of the month. To face difficulty head on, and show up every day to do the hard things I need to do. That's what will get me to the things I want to experience, it's what will allow me fulfill even greater curiosities. Now's the time to do my work to the best of my ability and really give it my all.

Not everyone gets to go all out every dat, most people never even get to make a choice of their own. I'm determined to make other people see things my way, I'm duty-bound to share it with the world. Sure, I want to make stories and create new things, but more than that, I want to work with other people. I want to meet more folks, see more sights, and explore the wonders of the world. I've always been greedy in that regard. I want to have my cake and it eat, then Iw ant to share it witht he world. 

My circle of friends is growing stronger. My bonds with my loved ones is growing deeper, I can feel myself caring for them more dearly. I'm learning to lean on them for support, and also how to do more with less. I want to say that I'm not doing as much as I possible can, because that's how I've been feeling. There is a sense of guilt over a palpable lack of effort and self-discipline. Every day I get a chance to make up for it, but I seem to waste it all away. Those emotions are starting to fade in the background now. I'm learning to let go of my emotions.

There is no point trying to hold on to things like that. The internal struggle doesn't make a difference in the results. Most of the last month, I felt pretty powerless over my lack of control. I became aware of the challenges posed by my environment, and it all seemed a bit dreadful. I felt like I have an unfortunate set of circumstances, so I went down in despair and cured my entire existence. Now that the storm has passed, its time for some level headed thinking.

How can I make my environment more hospitable for good work? How can I design my life to be more meaningful and fulfilling? A serious approach to doing work is a big part of it. Doing these projects with other people make me feel a sense of progress and real worth. I know about my sleep, I need to improve my timing. I know I need to eat less, and not worry about what I'm eating when it becomes unmanagable. More light exercse to keep me moving sounds nice and let's also get my room in order, that should help nudge things in a better direction. 

Now that I'm trying to list the things I want to find tune, it seems counter productive. As long as I live and breathe. The longer I stay away from the truly damning parts of my reality, things seem to pretty much take care of themselves. A big part of the adventure is not keeping track of all that and taking each day on its own. It's way more fun without a detailed plan and schedule. I am a man who likes to keep things flexible and unexpected. I love a bit of fun, excitment, and humor. 

Let's not sweat the small stuff and focus on the big goals. The biggest thing for me to avoid is that self-defeating hedonistic lifestyle. That kind of pleasure only brings me more demise. Instead, let's try to make room for good fun and enjoying the small stuff. It's so much better to celebrate the small stuff and appreciate what's real. I'm looking for that quiet, effortless kind of meditation. I want a majority of my days to be spent in reality. I want to be more grounded that I have been, and take things one at a time, in an order that's natural and self-apparant. 

I don't want to stress, I want to exert myself. I don't want to struggle, I want to work very hard. I want to spend each of my waking moment, engaged in something that envelopes all of my being. I want to do the things that demand all of me, that give me back what I put in, and make me happy in the long term. I just want to live like that for a while. Even if I do that for a few months, it would mean that I will eb on my way to a new life, full of unforseen possibilitites. Different challenges and difficulties await me there. That's where my inner curiosity is guiding me to. That is where I want to head to. 

I can already imagine all the answers I will find on that new path. I can already foresee the things I might encounter. It all seems to aonderful to me. Learning new skills, doing new works, living new lifestyles. Knowing new experiences that I never could have imagined before. That's where I am headed to now. When things are hard, it's important to have some foresight. When life seems boring, that's when you are supposed to imagien new things.

I've always wanted to look at the thorns and see the rose, and vica versa. I've always felt betrayed by my wants and urges. While my intuition has never failed me yet, my whimsical devils stun me with these insatiable impulses that lead me to destruction. I have always caused my worst downfalls. What would it be like to have it under control? What would it be like to feel confident in my thoughts, feelings, actions, and convictions? It seems so alien to me, that I need to taste it for myself. The druken haze of self confidence. The powerful belief fueld by self-discipline. 

I can write about anything and everything once I taste them for myself. I can create wonderful new things once I've lived my life. It's only natural to doubt yourself when you haven't done anything. Just as it's totally normal to share things once you are full. I seek to fill myself up by practicing being empty. I aim to become rich by being poor. Humans are truly full of the strangest contradictions. For once, and after a really long time, I actually feel sleepy when I should. For once, I actually feel excited for bed. After a really long time, I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. God bless my life and my loved ones. 

I only hope that such salvation becomes available to more and more poeple. I pray that my efforts, convictions, and dreams pave the way for countless others. I hope that life feasts upon my being when I cease to exist, and the critters sustain themselves by feeding upon my constitution. I hope that this is guranteed, and in that belief, I will faithfully continue to devour everything that I must in my path. Let me absord my pain and struggle. Let me eat my flimsy whimsical desires. Let me feast on my own tempataions and get nourished by my intense longing for comfort. I want to lick clean the plate of security and leave no crumb behind. 

I pray to all the almighty warriors, for they may inspire me to consume my own resistance to difficulty. In fact, I want to become one with all my resistance, and leave nothing behind unchecked. Let me devour the entire platter of this resitence now as I go on to fulfill my duties. I dive into misery and open the doors of adventure. I will down myself in my resistance and leave nothing else excpet for acceptance. It's time to destry all the useless weight and make space for better things to come.

September is the month of explosive devestation. Now is the time to reduse myself to rubble, and clear it all away with a powerful sweeping wave of emotion that washes over me, and goes right through me. All my emotions go right through me now and my mind remians laser-focused on the task at hand. I go from one task to the next, letting thoughts, feelings, emotions, and sensory experiences flow through me. I take things up, take them in, and let them go. I live fully in the present moment, and then I let that go too. What happens to a man when he practicies this lifestyle for months on end? 

What becomes of the ego when the identity is forgotten? I can't wait to find out.