Failure to Launch / Things To Do

I have work to do, things to take care of, and rest to be had for tomorrow. Yet, just as I suspected, writing here does embolden my convictions. It seems to set my intentions, like the cock of a shotgun or loading a rifle, perhaps. What I more likely do is empty my thoughts, feelings, and experiences here, which leaves room for more the next day. It's probably a bit of both, and then some. It's uncany how much weight I have put on. I jogged on the spot today, and the amount of flabbing mass I could feel swinging around my surface was alarming, to say the least.

There was a time at night where I once again thought about ordering out. The two meals I ate seemed excessive by older dieting standards. Ususally when I ate this much, I felt bloated and heavy. Yet today, I felt satiated and calm after consuming a sizabl amount. Yet I seem to have a better handle on things. Slowly but surely. Success, pride, and confidence feel unlikely, to say the least. The notions seem far far away, in another life on a different planet. 

I have to say though, perhaps I had failed to appreciate the full gravity of my situation in the first place. That's an idea that came to mind today. Everytime I felt like I had failed miserably, like I was doomed to suffer forever to make up for the great sins of neglect and self-abuse due to my lack of self restraint. Looking back, I was on a downward trajectory, trying to swing myself into positive momentum. It occurred to me today, that momentum and moevement has such massive force behind it. 

Thousands if not infinitely multiplying causes spiraling into their destined effects catapult an object's direction, getting faster and faster with each rotation, the intertia of one feeding into and bouncing off another. A plane that bursts into falmes and plummets toward the ground doesn't begin to cover it, nor is a meteorite hurling into the atmosphere an appropriate analogy. The point is rather simple: it's possible to make sudden, short-lived sprints toward a better direction while you are on the way down as a whole.

Such scrambles are loud, desparate, and shine ostentatiously with the glitter and gold of a firework. It's easy to look at them and say, "Well look at that, if only I could have kept that up forever." But like an experimental aviator who's improvised wings had now caught on fire, forcing to reach higher hights without the required resources to maintain it, could only result in even harder and more reckless falls in the future. 

For a true adventurer, the inventor who wishes to witness a new dawn, a visionary to push forward and break through, there is a necessity for that absolutely horrifying penultimate reality: a rock bottom. No aspiring hero wishes to encounter it. None whatsoever wish to hang around after. Yet, to truly soar above once more, to ever greater hights and beyond, sometimes requires one to sit down on the ground after a horrible crash, and genuinely wonder, "What went wrong?"

That honest, vulnerable exploration. The suffocation of sticking around the most uncomfortable of all realities, and the skin-crawling self-reflection it allows, might be the most terrifying of all. One cannot deny the unique opportunity posed by moments of stillness. When you are stuck, take solace in that stillness. It is said that only dead things remain the same. Such is the natural inclination of life, we all want to keep moving, ideally toward better positions. I do not want to be the same or stay in the same place either.

Yet that is what has happened and this is the best I can make of it. So I try my best to change what I can based on the things I have learned. After endless contemplation and self-reflection I have developed this hard-won self-awareness. Like a plan to be laughed at by powers above, flawed as it may be, I can only hope to double down again and again, beating my head against rocks and believeing again, that I know best what canges have to come. With this hard-earned set of beliefs I hope to make something better, then fly higher,a nd go further.