A Strange Time

Today was a peculiar day. Many things happened that were rather unusual. My sister came home and surprised us. I struggled with my goals as usual. I felt a lot of things, both new and old. A heavy mix of good and bad. Feeling an urge to calm it down, I try to end the turbulent state with a conclusion. After all, there's no point at all in thinking and feeling unnecessarily. Life is just as much about doing as it is about all that stuff. I've seen, heard, and listened a lot in my life. I've never been very funny or super confident. That's why I feel it's time for things to change. I spend so much of my time trying to change myself and prepare of something new, it feels like I miss the point.

Today is the strangest of days, I almost didn't even feel like writing here, because the thought exhausted me. I feel a tinge of disgust over myself, and where I am in life. That's the part that's usual. Yet, I saw and met with many others today, who made me feel like I'm better off the way I am. I'm not sure how to explain it. I judged my sister for her follies, but I also admired her good qualities. If nothings else, she has become resiliant and a bit more mature. I felt frustrated by my situation, but I was glad about how things had gone. Thinking about it now, I see why I try to focus on the bottom line.

The thing that struck out to me today was the fact that I am training myself for something without making any progress. If it was a competition or an exam, I would understand, but a thing like building an audience, and creating an art or a new business, those are life-long endeavors. The longer and more consistent, the better. I feel this very string urge to make real progress, true progress, and start to chip away at those things. It would be nice to communicate to others, but I wish to act before I speak. Perhaps some things still remain that must be done, some challenges to hinder my progress. Those things are why I write. I write here just for the sake of putting in the hours. Keeping the streak alive is feeding the fire, I tell myself. 

If I can make it a habit, then I can actually do the other things too. It seems clear on paper. All the things I've ever devised, they all look so good on paper. The execution is where I have always failed, which is why I don't know what to do. If the plans were good, but I failed to stick to them, is it really somethin I missed, or should I just double down and keep trying? The answer isn't always clear to me, but it is crystal right now. Yes, these pages might just be me spinning my wheels. Perhaps writing whatever the hell I want, just for the sake of it down not do me any favors. Achieveing my dreams might be impossible, and I might be better off being more practical. That is what my sister seemed to imply. Yet her life is an absolute train wreck,  it seems like, and I wouldn't hold her opinion as life or death.

The thing is, as much as I respect, appreciate, and try to keep myself open to the possibility of other people's truths, I cannot afford to reject or dismiss my own experience. It might be a little annoying to always be repeating the same tired old themes here, which is why I'm glad that I'm writing this only for myself. After all, real change is excrutiatingly slow, and day to day, there isn't any difference at all. But the truth is, I know that I can find a job that'll allow me to make do. I know that I am more than capable of making ends meet and doing anything I set my mind to. I have plenty of options, and I'm more than capable of hard work. I also know that I have done plenty of hard work before. I'm sure that if I take up a job that sustains me, I can stay at it and grind my way to a better option. I will rough it out gladly due to my mental constitution and characteristic personality.

All this, I have proven to myself time and time again. Yet I also believe in my visions of things yet to come. I believe in my idea of how a life is meant to be lived. I might not be worth reading or following right now, but I know that I can be one day. More than anything else, I refuse to be satisfied with making ends meet. We all strive for greatness, in one way or another. That is a beautiful part of our ego, the life energy that keeps us alive. I think there's something to that. Every person handles it in a different way. Some devote themselves to another, with their entire being, thus feeling the nurturing light within them through the honor of servitude. Others try to worship themselves, satisfying every urge of their bodies to the extreme. While others yet, feel the rush of overcoming themselves and conquering their own weaknesses. 

Of all the ways I've seen, the least appealing to me is the ultimate form of catharsis, the low-hanging fruit of false superiority, the judgement of other people. Following battles of whim and whimsy. Trying to find justice for a stranger's comfort. Fighting a monster of their own construction, building up dark evil in their imagination, just to strike it down with their own two hands. This is the highest form of self-satisfaction, a spiritual level of masturbation. Whether it's through gossiping about people who you've never known, or buringin effigies of satan. The projection of your own struggles onto moving bodies of no relation. The ultimate form of escape from reality, that makes you feel better with little to no effort, and none of the work involved in building anything worthwhile.

The whole point of our need for greatness is to go beyond our constraints. It's to become a part of something bigger than ourselves willingly, and experiencing the joy that comes from that freedom. 

While I feel an immense urge to keep reading, learning, and growing. I still wish to continue my practices, and try my hardest to continue my growth. Of course, there are many things I must do, this journal being the utterly bare minimum that will help me succeed. I cannot imagine I can get anywhere at all before I finish the first hundred entries here. All of that being true, I just wish to maintain my bare minimums. Indeed I ache to start creating with frevor and passion, and struggle through it when it ain't so intense or engaing, and the whole messy process of living my ultimate truth. Nevertheless, I know that I must stay ture to the things on my list and stay in the moment. 

I will do right by the current projects and make a respectabale exit. I will continue to maintain my diet to the best of my abilities, making a diet plan with my parents and ensuring that it stays in effect. I will also continue my basic exercises, keeping active and getting enought sleep at the right times. there will be a time when all of this won't matter. A time and place where I can give my all to my work and missions. This is not it. Right now I have to cover my bases and strengthen my foundation. Everything else can wait in line. Nothing else really matters. People are welcome to think, say, or feel whatever they want. Even though I do not owe them an explaination, I will make sure to voice my truth with the respect that it deserves. I hope I will make plenty of friends and enemies along the way.