Divine Conversation

I suppose there is a time and place for everything. I imagined that my struggles with self-discipline would give me neverending empathy for others. Having failed so terribly would remain with me in my bones, and the memory would keep me from ever becoming condescending and insensitive. The warmth and generosity of shared struggle and mutual failures would become a solemn symbol of the wretched. We could find company with each other. That could be a tribe for me to belong to.

Yet, comfort is a feeling no less in my control than the thoughts a person chooses to think. Is being a safe haven for every wretched sinner indeed the best way for me to serve them? The core lesson I learned from my experiences these past months might have been that a man is very much the product of his environment. The people he associates with, the life he has led, his circumstances, and the things that have happened to him.

All of it playing a vital hand in his current state of being. So perhaps, I could acknowledge that influence for other people, and give them room to be themselves, in all their usgly mess. How can you address something if you are blind to it? Is there even something to be addressed? Throughout the past month, doing anything to help myself was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to give in to the flow, and let the river take me where it may please. 

Then, the only logical conclusion has to be that a person chooses for themselves what they want to happen. It is our solemn duty, then, to speak the fuck up. If we do not communicate our truth, whether it is through words, actions, or silence, then how can the others hope to know what we ahve chosen? A caveat comes to mind. Life being messy and imperfect, people do not always know what they are choosing, and in fact do not always have choices. 

Sometimes people suffer a great tragedy that shakes them to the core, or they have faced one years ago. Trauma can sink its rancid claws deep in their beings and cause them to do unknowable, shapeless, and strange things. People become unable to speak their truths. With no discernable reason behind it and no obvious or immediately identifiable threat, it intuitively diverts the attention. Cognitive dissonance sets in, and the person loses awareness of their inner workings. The pain is to great and there is no clear reward to be reaped.

That last line may as well discribe the state of doomed inetia that has been my life. There was no immediate threat, changing was too painful, and there was no clear or immediate reward. Alternatively, going with the flow made me happy in the present moment. Watching the next episode or playing the next run, or watching the next few videos satisfied my curiosity, enthralled my imagination, and I was giddy with joy. Everything was worth savoring, life was good, and there was a real sense of gratitude. Each meal fit for a king, each girl on the screen worthy of the greatest of studs. 

All it took to break the illusion was a call from someone else. A prospective meet up, or a walk with the dog. Stepping out of the house to get the food from the driver, the desprate scuffle while praying to avoid anyone's gaze, the raw embarassment while walking next to someone on the road, the pure shame of meeting someone again. 

That was the state of my being. It still is. Now, is someone who fully embraces me as such a friend or a foe? Well, depends on their motivations. If they are against me on principle, even if they do not know me, surely that makes them a bad person. But if they know me very well, perhaps I would prefer a few words of encouragement? I would want to know that they accept me either way, but I would still appreciate it if they cared enough to nudge me in the right direction. That's well and good in hypotheticals, but what of reality?

I would hate for my parents to insinuate that I cannot handle something by myself by giving me adive. What's more, they themselves seem to be slacking in so many ways. What right do they have to preach to me? That's how I honestly feel. I would want my home, those who are closest to me to be fully accepting of my full self. I would want strangers to be kind and friendly, with a few bad apples at a safe distance to keep things interesting.

What does any of it mean for the question of the hour? While in an ideal world, everyone is capable of having excellent conversations and fruitful debates, this is not the world we live in. Nevertheless, at this moment, I feel like it's appropriate to be wholly accepting of someone until you get to know them. But after a while of going in circles, I would like to throw a punch or two and see how strudy this relationship is. Is that wrong of me to do? I made a friend a few months ago. We've been talking a lot. Both of us have been as nice as possible to the other person. I have more than a few honest things to say to her, that are outright mean.

I've always found her humor annoying. I detested her apparant need to have fruitless conversations. And a few other things, not worthy or remembering. But I never brought them up since we were still getting to know each other. I supported her every decision and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Recently, I have felt the buring urge to test the waters a bit. Since she did not seem to be interested in the things I love to talk about the most, I started to wonder why she even talks to me in the firstplace. 

An idea started to come into ligth. Perhaps she sees me as a good friend. Someone who will always support her no matter what and give her the benefit of the doubt. The comfort of a wholly accepting other, like a warm and cozy emotional hug. Unfortunately, we don't always choose our friends. There are good reasons why people come and go. Situation, compatibility, and complimentary personalitites are just a few major factors in my eyes. Shared goals, values, and ambitions can be a few others.

We started talking at a low point in my life. A time when I needed someone to just sit there, listen, play nice, and tell me it'll all be okay. I wanted to blame everything around me for a while and shurf off all manner of responcibility. Write it off as a part of my nature, the changing of seasons, ebbs, flows, and all that. But times changed. After a few weeks, I wanted to begin anew. I no longer wanted to sit around and whine. I certainly did not want to talk in circles. Maybe I could talk about trauma, art, dreams, psychology, myth, storytelling, meaning, and philosophy again.

But I was done venting. Yet she kept reaching out, wanting to vent about her work, waiting. Waiting for my to vent about my own. Waiting for me to share my tales of woe, my anxiety, depression, and god knows what else. That's what it felt like anyway. It's not like she seemed interested in the ocean of bodycam footage I'd been binging on YT, or the intricacies of various potential business models. So, nowadays I feel like pushing her. I wish she could muster up what it takes to speak up. I told her that maybe being happy is not the most important thing in life, if she's not happy at her job. 

I was told a few harsh words by a friend a while ago, and I never spoke to her about it. Mainly because she seemed mostly unavailable to talk, so I didn't want to create a burden. The issue was the same, I suppose. We just didn't have much to talk about. There are friends with whom I talk very rarely for the same reason. Better to leave it at that. Then there are others with whom I can talk to for ever and ever. Those are my brothers and dearest of all. I've had issues with them, and after a while, I spoke up. We worked through it immediately because we both got something out of the other person's authentic self.

So that's the ticket in my opinion. You can start by being nice and letting things go naturally. If there are things to talk about, dive in deep without reservations. If issues come along the way, wait for a while to confirm them. If they still remain, then work through them. If it's worth it, you both will. That's how relationships are supposed to work. Friends, colleagues, spoces, parents, or siblings, this is how I've learned to do it. Conversation is an integral part of this process. 

The presense or lack of conversation is the defining characteristic of the qualities of a relationship. If you want to deepen it, or modify it, you engage. If you are fine with the way it is, you don't. If there are any differences of perspective, the unsatisfied party needs to voice their concerns. If one of them is unable to engage in conversation, no relationship is possible beyond the presense. And how do you define the state of the present relationship? Both parties have their own opinions and judgements. My parents might think I'm a horrible son, jsut as I think they are terrible parents. Even though they do just fine and amazing in other regards, overall, I feel they need to do better.

But it is not my place to ask that of them, since they show little to no concern in the relationship. What remains is athropy. Things change over time, but through actions, words, and interactions. In lack of any of those, the relationship athrophies. I can't help but feel that there is a certain divinity of these interactions, but especially in conversations. Any other exchange can have so many dimensions to it, which is wonderful in itself, but a conversation feels especially holy. Just as friends are more special than family, because there is relatively more choice involved in who yours are. Similarly, the choice to sit down, or call up, and talk to another human being says so much beyond what's spoken.

It's an end in itself. A fully complete and rich experience that requires all your being. You talk with your voice, words, energy, emotion, and your body. You set time aside and give all your attention. You hear, listen, ask, and talk. You share, reply, think, and savor each and every moment. There is so much happening on many different levels. You are simultaniously thinking, hearing, listening, and feeling. What you choose to say, speaks volumes. To be honest, now that I write it all out, there doesn't seem to be anything particularly special about talking after all. 

After all, I am a huge talker, so I know better than anyone that talk is cheap. Surely there is soemthign to be said about action. Well, having written an entry yesterday after more than a month, and gone through the day, I can certainly say that writing is very much an action in itself. So perhaps there is a difference between simply speaking words at each other, and actually acting them out. Connection can be an act that's facilitated by conversations, and what can be holier than that?

I felt so different today. Like the act of putting my thoughts on a page propelled me into a whole new direction. I wish to take a moment to consider what an ideal dayw ould look like to me. Waking up a bit earlier would be nice. Sleeping no longer than necessary, and especailly at the right times would be ideal. Waking up at 6 am would be a dream, and a restful, refreshing sleep in 7 hours would be even better. I would hate to get dragged on with the scrolling feeds of socials right in the morning. A little time sitting by myself, with my thoughts, no disctractions. Just me and my body. A light exercise in the morning after freshening up. Maybe a little jog and some yoga or tai chi. 

Some breathwork to center me, a lot of water to rehydrate, and time for some work. Deep, focused, uninterrupted work, in shorts hour-long bursts and short breaks of reading, practicing the harmonica, or just breathing. Mabe playing a game or watching some reels won't hurt at this point. That is inconclusive. Time to eat! Ideally at 10-11 and then at 5-6. Anything home made, that isn't from outside. Some nice beautiful veggies, whole grains, carbs, fat, protien. Good amount of water throughout the day. 

More light exercise in the evening, resistance training thrice a week, fully relaxing at night, maybe a nice conversation on the weekend or while walking the dog. Night time for my own work, and reading before sleep. My own work tends to tire me out the most, except for this journal, which is 100% a free for all, no rules or restrictions. You would think that it's easier to get what you want when you know exactly what it is. That has not been true the past month, but here I am rigth back where I started, except in a worse place.

Talking about my own work, I have that Neil Gaiman's class I want to finish, the manga faces drawing course on Coursera, searching for a good college, and courses, making a lsit of things to buy. Very productive shit. I feel like I would enjoy all this during the day, but who knows What's the long term plan is beside the question, because the more days I can spend that are close to this, the more confident I can feel in planning further ahead. 

This is the cost of entry, the bare minimum. Not exactly this, in this order, on that timeline, but certainly as close as humanly possible. The closer I can get, the more I can live for the future. That is a wild concept in itself, but we've done enough for today. Time to hit the hay.