Moving Forward by Staying Put

I did leave out a couple of rather important details yesterday about the topics of conversation and my ideal day. For one, there was the fact that an old aquaintance from school hit me up asking where he could buy drugs, and when I asked him if he wants to talk about it instead, he was more than unwilling to. All he said was that he knows he fucked up and that he's in a bad palce. I'm not taking that personally, I only offered to talk because I would want to in his shoes, and I think that's better for him than just taking drugs.

I suppose talking doesn't always help. Especially when a person already has it figured out or is already overwhelmed. I think a good conversation can help a lot, though. Anyway, I just throught it was interesting. 

Then comes the fact about my ideal say. I mentioned all these external metrics that I can measure and achieve, which will logocally lead me to a better life over time. A healthier body, more confidence, a free and calm mind that works better, and an emotionally balanced state of being. But that was having it backwards, wasn't it?

It's not what I achieve out there in the world that creates my inner reality, but much more the other way around. And that is 100% true every single time when it counts. My inner state of being is the founation of my life, and that oughta be solid as hell. If I feel good and focus on my maintaining my inner world, I can pretty much do anything I really want. But it quickly turns into a chicken and egg conundrum in my eyes.

Because this means that my belief about the level of control I have over my own emotions, pretty much makes or breaks the entire process of self-improvement. But when your life is shit, and you experience a lot of stress, it can be so hard to believe that. And how does the belief translate into reality in the first place? Can you convince someone into believing something? Can one convince themself?

Seems to me like it's a hard-earned change, just like any other. First you breathe instead of being swept away by your stimuli. Create some room between your being and your body. Some room to breathe, if you may. Slowly, you build up and grow the realm of awareness. As you become aware of yourself, you find that you do not have to be swept away anymore. Then you see that the more room there is, the more you can start nudging in the direction of your own choosing.

I knew that rather well for a long time, did I not? How does one go about losing a belief? How does the conscious become unconscious? I realise today how much my brain was straining throughout my struggle. All the burn out, all the failures, the fatigue and depression, everything orginiating in that same place. It was all mental. I would think about all the things I was going to do. Because of which, I would feel like I was falling behind. Arguing with myself, negotiating, scrambling for every morsel, a ton of interal conflict was raging on inside me.

It took me a hundred failures to realise that I do not have to engage with this process. Failing again and again, I become aware of so many levels in which things can go wrong. In that light, me falling off my path, failing to stick to a diet, failing to keep my head empty, failing to do my work, waste my time, and damaging my health. All of it was me exploring the excrutiating details of the other side. It was me exploring the external world and what can go wrong in it. The many ways in which the concrete mechanics of reality and the cold facts of my situation can and probably will lead to certain failure and doom.

Having explored it thoroughly, now I can indeed free myself from any mental anguish. Going in circles so many times, makes it clear the obvious follies and pit falls. But was it the mental failures that led to a lack of external progress, or the lack of progress that created mental instability? Seems to me like a bit of both, but it feels impossible to know. After a little introspection it seems obvious that some of my older journal entries should provide a few clues.

I'd rather not check now, so let's focus on my own theory. It feels like whenever I have excelled before in my life, I was too busy to think. A part of multiple systems that were designed to keep me thriving. I just had to show up and they would take care of me. Even then, I managed to find time to lament. I have always been my own worse enemy. When I had a good life, I longed for a lover. Now that I cannot bear to face one, I wish to live better. While it makes sense, the mind's job is to solve problems by making the right choices, it also feels kind of baffling, embarassing, and even a bit ridiculous. 

Still, this was kind of the first time I took charge of my life. I stepped ahead of the wave I had been sweped away by thus far, and tried my best to steer it. Actually, I believe that's a really powerful metaphor! Think about it, you can imagine determinism as this massive, unstoppable tsunami of causes, an inevitable series of events starting from the very birth of the universe, collisions of celestial bodies, and entires conitents.

Everything that happened before, giving birth to everything the came next. One point leading to another, in an unvoidable sequence of dominos. My parents finding each other and marrying out of lonliness, my father working and earning to provide for us, my mother feeling increasingly depressed to to a life unlived. ME being born to give my sister some company. Mom's postpartum depression and mid life crisis. Moving away from a joint family into a nuclear one, growing up in an environment of utter neglect, and all the many mental difficulties that arose in me because of it.

Socially retarded, emotionally frustrated, and constantly falling behind. Always coming in last. All the way till leaving school, joining college, leaving college, and joining another one. Everything was me reacting to external events, trying my best to make the best choices for myself, to the best of my abilities. Being carried forward by countless forces in the world, washed away in the waves of raging waters.

I had more than a few moments of respite in the middle, but an overwhelming majority of my calm times were met it the anguish of inner turmoil. Hence, somewhere along the way, I became my own worst enemy. Coming back home, there was above anything else, an overwhleming silence. Long nights, alone time, and tremendous freedom. Gone was the ceaseless stimuli of modern life. For the first time in a long time, there was peace. No class to attend, no job to report to, friend to meet, or plan to make. The ball was in my court, and I could do anything and everything I've ever wanted.

And so I did. I felt the pressure of making my own decisions. I tried my best to execute on everything I had learned. One thing after another. And my mind continued to plague me. Except, I had the full freedom to call quits. Then I would quit. I woudl spend days, weeks, and then months, riding the thrill of following the moment's whimsy. Getting high and drunk at a moment's notice, often at the beginning of the day, and jacking off nude with the filthiest content out there. Then binge watching and eating anything my heart and soul desired.

Never before did I have the courage to do so, in fact, I was mortified on the inside still. Guilt, fear, anxiety, worry, and the works. It all took me by storm. So the cycle continued, but this time, completely by my own making. It was extreme, but now I see why I stopped feeling depressed the day I quit my job. I see how that was the day I decided to take the reigns. More than a year has gone by since then. People came and went, loves were won and lost. Thousands of hours of video experienced. Unimaginable experiences, ingrained. Unspeakable things, assimilated. 

Where is the guilt now? You can only feel something for so long. It's interesting how everything is working out. After all, there are still countless forces driving towards various directions. On the surface, the dynamics remain the same. I did not choose my dreams, wants, desires, and aversions. Yet somehow, things feel different. So, what does it look like? It feels like there's more room between me and my situation than ever before. In some ways, I feel untouchable.

I suppose that's at the heart of the matter. This feeling of untouchability. Hard to do when you're told how to feel. Harder yet, when facing something new for the first time. Let's focus on this inner reality that's the vital part of my ideal life now.

Constant conscious breathing. A total lack of thinking about useless things. Times gone or ones to come. Day dreams or night terrors. Actually, a surprising amount of it can be summed up with just that. Above everythin else, an empty head. Emotonally calm and centered. Rooted in acceptance, devoid of reactions. Unnecessary feelings should be left behind. Empty on the inside, through and through. The body, moving. Just like the hands of a clock, taking a moment between each step, as and when necessary. Comfort, relaxation, and joy, rather than happiness, excitement, and motivation. 

I knew beyond everything else that I was experiencing the past few years, there will be a true challenge waiting at the end of the line. This one thing will make, or break my very existence. Shake things up to the very core. I always wanted to stay put emotionally. like a rock. Someplace where I won't be moved. And see how long I'd last. A great challenge that goes against every aspect of the moderm world. Slwoing down was always this holy thing for me. One of the highest ideals known to man. An impossible task for almost anyone in this day and age.

Yet I know, that in order to truly move forward, I must stay still. This is the moment where it's all decided. This is the only thing that has ever existed. If I can stay put in this one place, I can have everything I've ever wanted served to me on a golden platter. It's all around me now, forming and manifesting itself. The ideal situation that I belong to. It's calling to me now, just like it has been all these years, like a faint sound on the other side of a dream. I am of it, as it is of me. Everything else feels like a dream within a dream now. 

I was blind, but now I see.