Angels & Demons

How boring would life be without sweets and spice? How dreadful the days once melted together. Variety is the spice of life, after all! No rainbows without rain, and all that. Perhaps it's not that bad to be boring, through. I certainly wish I could live with boredom more happily. The unstimulating drudgery demanded by most forms of greatness certainly makes a compelling case for it. So why bother wanting to be great in the first place? Why not aim soundly within reach for a lukewarm life? Get smaller aches for lowers highs. 

Nothing stops one from simply existing, I suppose. It is a bit ironic, though, how great achievements require immense boredom. Any worthwhile endeavor carries with it a grave bunch of tedium and mess. For instance, I want to start my writing projects, but the simple act of putting all my thoughts on paper, starting to make sense of them, and then fumbling on till polished perfection is more discouraging than any sense of joy or achievement might be otherwise. 

Yet, the beautiful part of my journey has been that I can take my time with it. It has also been the most terrifying part. Still, after all the changing of seasons, wins and fails, and the inevitable passing of time, my direction is becoming more obvious. There is momentum, movement, and undeniably concerete progress. Less than seventy articles in ten years might not be as impressive as three hundred in a year, but it's still more than most people have evert gotten around to, so I should learn to be okay with it already.

Regradless, each time I regain my senses, in the morning or otherwise, there is always a hidden war raging within me. The everlasting eternal war of good vs evils. In each of us, there are countless angels and demons, battling it out for infinitestimally small units of measure, trying constantly to gather more real estate. When I smoke, my mind tries to compensate by intellectual contemplations of central issues. When I work out and eat right, my mind just wants to be lazy and go blanck. Is there no peace? 

To be fair, I sleep rather peacefully, and my days are, in fact, filled with luxurious comforts and good fortune. Still, I suspect that this dissatisfaction says something or the other about the paradoxical nature of the human condition. Not sure, really. I couldn't be bothered to wrap my head around it, so feel free to give it a go. Either way, today was the day that I was to start working together with my father in the family business of digital marketing. 

Unfortunately, he got busy and it didn't happen today, so why not get started on my online food blog project right now? Because the eternal fight rages strongly today and it seems to be nobody's victory. We are at a bit of a standstill where I want to do nothing. So I did nothing. If anyone happens to come across my online pages and wonder to themselves. whatever happened to this thing this guy was working on? Why is it so late or abandoned? It will be an astute assumption on the reader's part to think that the demons are or have been winning at any such point in my life. In fact, they've been winning for quite some time now.

Which is not to say that I am not worth following because I'm not serious or anything. I'm as serious as it gets, but sometimes, that leads to counter productivity and a wide range of blunders. So why not record things as they are going on, simply, honestly? Why not let the record show that this was my level of commitment, but I stuck with it anyway? I don\t know how far I will get before I'm forced to change once more, but always remember that it's hard to get going, keep going, and/or finish. Ultimately, there's no proper ideal way to do anything and you should just try to be happy that you get to give it a shot. That's how I'm looking at it. Writing practice is fine, but it's time to make something potentially useful for others at some point in the future.

Angels and demons may rage against your Amour Fati all year long, but that's been happening forever anyway. Don't let it make you feel like you won't get where you are going, one way or another. Internal struggles are very much optional, after all.