Productive Healing: The Work That Does

Something feels different. I've been trying so hard to move this invisible needle that measures some ineffable, yet omnipresent quality of my life. So desperate for change, I ran about in a trance, sometimes like a waterfall crashing into the rocks, sometimes like a headless chicken. I tried A, nothing happened. Then I tried B, to no avail. More of A, less of B, AB, BA, AAB, BBA, BAB, ABA, & so on... I felt like the grind started to erode me to my core, changing the shape of my soul. I started to feel more and more like a stranger to myself with every passing moment. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, feeling my own body, hearing my voice, I felt an ick I couldn't wash away, a weight that wouldn't come off my chest no matter how many distorted twists & turns I contorted my body in. Considering this to be my new reality, I worked to accept this as best I could. Then came the numbness, the sleep, the hunger, & greed. After that? Anger. A violent, destructive, terribly gruesome breed of anger.

One that wanted to bash some poor bastard's face in until both my fists and their skull became a wet pile of bloodied mist, sloppy flesh, & broken bones. Then came the sadness & the helplessness. After enough of those cycles, you start to feel like that's all there is. An ugly, joyless, & inescapable struggle. One that wasn't worth engaging in, considering, or acknowledging. Then comes that familiar hit of dope called Hope. The vision comes bubbling up once again: The dream of a successful life full of abundant riches.

A different time & place in the far future where all my wildest goals & ambitions have been achieved. I've made it as a professional artist, making comic books, on my way to directing, with a healthy stream of income and plenty of loved ones who cherish, understand, and appreciate me for who I am. A time when I'm making my wildest visions & craziest ideas manifest into reality, where they are helping thousands of people and changing lives in a real way. A world where I am happy, healthy, and good. Where I've found my people and they love me deeply.

The allure of this vision lifted me a few inches above the ground, like the pie's aroma from a cartoon. It gave me something to look forward to while I was stuck in the mud. It gave me something to aim for when I didn't know up from down. Before I knew it, I bumped into something around me. The annoying discomfort reminded me of my place, I wansn't in the world of my dreams, I was very much still stuck in the wretched reality! If only I was a little smarter. If only I had something people would value or pay me money for. 

Just a little hotter, tighter, stronger. A little more competent, confident, & brave. If only I could just get over this next hill, the world of my dreams could become a reality and this wretched life of mine, I could leave behind. Unfortunately, rather than becoming fuel for my development, the only thing I really take away from this is a far cry from helpful: "My life sucks because of who I am." not only is that barely useful in the day-to-day, but it also means that becoming a better person would lead to a better life, which is categorically untrue. 

So why even bother? Just stop thinking about all this, have faith in the almighty, put your head down, and get so busy with what you're doing that you forget about yourself, and your problems. It's no surprise that this is where most people end up eventually, and it's true. For many, this simply works well enough to get them through many years, if not decades. I imagine some may never need to go beyond. Yet the flames of ambition are all-consuming, a vision tempts just as much as it inspires. Either you let your ego take a hit, which certainly brings you further away from yourself, for better or worse. Or, you choose to stick to your guns and begin the long journey of fully appreciating exactly what kind of hell awaits you on grand missions.

What is the difference between self-conscious & self-aware? The question at hand is at the heart of this matter. Either you choose ego-death, becoming closer to a monk & away from society. Or you commit to your worldly identity and choose a path of hellish endless suffering. If "there are 10,000 ways to smell the earth" then how can there be two choices? The framework is an illusion, a false dichotomy conjured up by my limited brain. The world is not in black & white, although it certainly helps to know which is which for all intents & purposes. 

That whole paragraph was self-conscious. Arguing with yourself. Saying one thing, which causes three other things to arise, then choosing to focus on one of those things to go deeper, which further muddies the water, ad infinitum. Getting carried away by the endlessly powerful gushing rapid stream of thoughts leads to sensations that get judged as negative or positive emotions, which then trigger their own protocol & defense mechanisms. 

Self-awareness is a completely different energy. It not only seeks simply to observe, it's also genuinely curious enough to go deeper. The real world, tends to lie somewhere in between. For me, self awareness has only ever been those incredibly rare moments at sea when everything is completely at peace. The sea and the sky become one, and all feels right in the world. Lately, this has changed. For the longest time, my life felt like I was running in a dream. I was kicking & screaming, so desparate to breathe, pushing my center of mass as forward as possible, without ever moving an inch.

In fact, the harder I tried, the farther I felt. I focused on what little did make sense, my family, my career, hobbies & mental peace. I took joy in the small moments of triumph, patting myself on the back as best I could. Yet no compliment ever reached me. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, caused by something decidedly insignificant, I hit a new rock bottom. An unfamiliar feeling of literally going insane. It was simply my ego being put against a grater, quite painful I assure you, for something so imaginary. 

At that time, after a long time, something (or someone @JulienHimself) inspired something new in me. I simply understood what RHCP meant in Snow when they said to "look inside." It was explained to me, quite clearly, that the first step to letting go, is awareness. What is it that you want to let go of? A thought? A belief? A pattern or habit? Not good enough. What *EXACTLY* do you want to release? What does it look like? Where does it exist? Not smart enough. Why do you feel this way? 

Why do you need to be a star or a hero? When did it begin? What happened to you? How did it affect you? I figured that thoughts were essentially a waste of time. Having thought all my life about anything and everything, having nothing to show for it. Being a lonely loser who just can't get over himself. That. That's exactly it! Why is it so? Where does that come from? Self conscious is to judge, condemn or approve. It's the power hungry dictator that knows only to use, manipulate, & enslave. It can be hateful & poisonous, just as it can be plastic & untrue. 

Self awareness is love. It's acceptance in the truest sense of the word. How does it work? How can I become as aware as possible & fully heal? Well, you can't because that's not love, nor acceptance. Acceptance is about embracing that things won't go your way. There's a natural order to things and it follows its own timeline. You and I are but small and limited nodes in an infinite network, valuable & essential, but weak & ignorant. It takes time to understand yourself, and it may or may not ever happen. To attempt anything is the first accept the possibility of defeat. Without it, there is no true engagement. 

You cannot attempt something without going all in, but that feels like a different discussion. As for today, as I try to reel in my thoughts, there has been immense acknowledgment within me as of late. The child within me that aches for embrace, constantly getting berated with horrible & unnecessary stings. "You are not good enough," I tell him when I force myself to work out. "You aren't worthy of love" I shout when I choose to go hungry. I realized the gravity of my folley as I wept. An anti-climactic cry with lulled whimpers & tiny tears, followed by a sigh of relief. 

The discomfort in my body did not disappear completely, nor did it heal permanently, but for a little while, I truly felt lighter. I felt a love for myself so genuine & deep that it made my heart skip a beat. Or I just had a mini-heart attack, I mean who'd to say, really? I'm not a doctor or anything. The point here is simple: There are many more things that are left to be forgiven. Things to figure out, experience, sort out, & untangle. There are thoughts, emotions, & more waiting to get unraveled. Yet for the first time, in a really long time, I feel different. I feel like when I try to do something, it gets done. I feel like there's a force behind me that has my back. 

It seems like I'm starting to figure out what it means to be on my side. Like I'm not pulling myself in two opposite directions, like I'm just a little bit more free. I always wondered what was wrong with me, little did I know it wasn't me. You see, self-conscious is not just about judgment or hate, it's about getting too caught up in who you are. You might feel like there's work to be done so that you may heal, but that is not what it means to be free. Who you think you are, what we refer to as me, let's just say that there's much more than meets the eye.

So before you step out into greatness for the world to see, look deeper in the mirror and consider the fee. Violence begets violence, hurt causes hurt. You can never move mountains if you're stuck in a rut. It's far more clear when you feel at ease, that righteous path won't taste defeat. Cuz every stumble, tumble, & scarpe, will hurt far less than it elates. If that's not the case, then why even bother? No one is born to be cannon fodder. Let brothers & sisters untie, to feel the might in their fight for the light. This life is not an empty hassle, you're all kings & queens left out of your castles. 

Our heart of hearts knows how to heal. That endless beat, forever repeats. The same rhythm arose in a world so ancient, like treasures & gold, but far more patient. Ever since the first heart began to pump, some countless millions of years before, it's carried on. From fish to amphibians to mammals, do you think your life is yours to handle? When it comes to you and I, there's far more than meets the eye. So pledge now to know yourself more deeply, not for some rhyme or reason, but for its own sake. Don't try to feel your power, instead acknowledge your means of travel.

This identity that you wrestle with so, let it in, & make it some pho. Listen well to its toils & troubles treat them like your own, but don't make them double. Be friendly, be loving, be true, authentically embrace your reality too. Be scared of horrors & tempted by greed, what's an adventure without a trouble or three? All that remains is to be fully present, when you know what's what, letting go is apparent. And when you don't just let it be, you'll have your chance to be wild & free. 

Sometimes the most important thing you will ever do, won't be visible. Some of the gravest wounds are self-healing, all they need is to be left on their own. You never know when you're in the way when you don't know where you end and they begin. It's nice to know that you are endless, but for all intents and purposes, you are what your name is. White, black, & everything in between, countless people have unique ways to see it all, and everyone has their own thing. But once you know the work that matters, you'll find that it does, no mind, no matter. 

Ask a dancer why they dance, and they'll say they can't help themselves. You might say that nothing comes out when you sit still, but that's a topic, for another day.