Something to Say

We all want to be seen, get heard, & feel held. But does everyone feel like they have something to say? I know many people making content online, many others want to, while others look up to the ones who do. Looking around, comparing, & seeing how I measure up, I feel insecure & unworthy of joining these chosen ones. What do I have to say that's worth listening to? Why do I deserve to be heard? Intellectually, I know that anyone who takes action always ends up reaping some kind of reward from it.

Perhaps this is the modern way of life? We create content as a portfolio of who we are. We express ourselves through it, through our online presence and brand persona. This is how we feel attracted to others. This is what makes us come close. In the age of democratization, where anyone can be a star, could you really respect someone who doesn't go for it? This is the modern social dilemma: wanting to stay authentic while having to creatively express yourself to find connection.

It's clear that not everyone is a fan of creating. Sure, everyone is creative in some way, that's just human nature, but everyone does it in their own way. Why does mine have to be special or worthy? Why do I need to be so perfect? What is it that I'm scared of? On one hand, I feel this burning urge to create, to express, & to put myself out there. I have all these things I want to say, things I want to bond with other people over, so I know that I'm not alone, that I'm not insane or weird. 

I have things I want to introspect about, things I want to explore and think about. Writing here gave me that sense of relief. Maybe I'm not doing it for everyone to see, maybe these articles no one will ever read. Nonetheless, there is such immense joy in simply having created something. To have an itch in your brain for a long time, and to uncover it on a page is immensely satisfying. Typing on this keyboard, is immensely satisfying. A job well done, an idea rewritten, and a concept well-described, makes me feel like I have a place in this world.

Every day I think and think. I thought on Monday about values. What is it that compels the Indian audience to favor infantile power fantasies over nuanced stories that demand self-reflection? I thought of going home and writing about it all, exploring the subject to its farthest depths possible, perhaps reaching a new conclusion or a level of clarity. Then came Tuesday without fail. Time moved on and carried me along with it unapologetically and mercilessly.

It was a tough day at work. Nobody seemed interested in my ideas or way of doing things. they couldn't care less about any of it. I felt frustrated and annoyed. I thought of working with that idea again, but I felt a new kind of depression come over me, a deep sense of compounding fatigue, so I slept. Then came Wednesday, the hardest one yet. Someone made a throwaway remark that struck a nerve. It disturbed me a bit and I chose to take It up with him. He was my senior, one of the most senior people on the staff, and this was the fourth time his words had hurt me. 

No more, I thought to myself, let's get it all out in the open, and take care of it now. I was struggling with a severe lack of funds and an annoying situation at home. In life, I felt stuck and did not want things to be the same as they have been. The confrontation with the senior was hard, but not as hard as the ones I've had with others before. It seems to get easier the more I do it. What arose was an acknowledgment of some level of wrongdoing, followed by an unapologetic justification of the crass behavior, underplaying the hurt and callous cruelty.

Then came the insults, which were more like the admittance of obviously visible aversion the man had toward me. The feedback was simple: I ask too many questions, I make everything about myself, and I talk back with no regard for authority. This behavior was unacceptable and it ticked him off. Being ticked off caused a negative tone of voice, which caused the issue. At first, I felt good about acknowledging and confronting the issue. I felt like the bigger man. But very quickly, I started to feel dirty & icky, like mud was slipping inside my clothes and making me feel a sense of pressure.

By the end of the day, I felt like I was going insane. Was there no place for me in this city? No person I could truly connect with? Does everyone hate me? Am I not of this world? Do I think too much? Am I just too much? Do I need to calm down and be empty like the rest? Am I too egotistic & selfish? I felt down in the dumps. Worse than the troubles I was facing financially, professionally, mentally, & emotionally, now I was questioning myself on an existential level. 

So easily I was shaken to my core by something someone said that I don't even like or respect that much. Everything felt wrong and I didn't want to do anything at all. I lay in bed, half-wanting to cry, half-hoping to fall asleep. I scrolled through YouTube, and there it was, what felt like the first video I had ever seen by JulianHimself. It was more than 20 mins long, and it was about people-pleasing. Usually, I watch stuff like that because it reminds me of Keshav, but today, it was different, I felt like it was calling to me.

I have no memory of ever seeing Julian before, but my watch history proved otherwise. Trying to recall the watched ones, I think I remember feeling underwhelmed when I had seen them before, with this generic love-yourself advice and inner child bullshit, I had swept it under the rug for the time being. I had seen that stuff in my encounters with Nimisha and had reached the conclusion that self-love, like confidence, had to be earned, an idea I learned from author James Clear through his online presence. I figured that I'd keep my head down and do the right things, eventually earning the right to love myself, because I simply couldn't before.

I would tell myself things outwardly, but internally I felt exactly the opposite. The rift just seemed to grow with every affirmation, so I dropped it knowing that I wasn't ready for this stuff. I accepted my fate and humbly put my head down. That was almost 4 years ago. Safe to say, I've done a thing or two since then, and it was all a part of my healing journey. Having earned some sense of confidence stemming purely from fruitless efforts, I somehow was ready for it yesterday. Julian is a motivational/self-help public speaker who aggressively & very effectively covers the subjects of self-love, authenticity, self-expression, & other related concepts. He seems to be from Switzerland.

For whatever reason, this particular video really resonated with me from beginning to end. People-pleasing, putting up a fake front, authenticity, all things that were violently bumping around in my skull. I realized the actual issue was why I was bothered by something this guy said in the first place. Why I care so deeply about his opinion of me that I was beginning to question everything about myself. Thank the Gods, I found the answer. As of the date of publishing this article, this video was 6 months old. I might've learned some valuable things in that video, but I don't feel like repeating them.

I think the more interesting thing here is the value of fighting your battles earnestly. To really stand up against what bothers you and take a stand where you can, when it really matters. Julian's video reminded me of many things that I had learned before on my path, now with a newfound clarity & appreciation, I know that I never want to forget those things again. But this is exactly why I love and hate writing. An hour or two goes by without a moment's notice. I should now be asleep so as to have a productive day ahead on the morrow. Now there's a lot to say about that too, isn't it?

I suppose there is some satisfaction in such a struggle. To carve out an hour or two from a day when it is truly difficult. I try to remember that many of my favorite authors & role models didn't even begin before they were 30. That it's okay for me to simply experience life and figure things out, understanding what I want to say before rambling to a crowd. Yet I feel so good when I create anything of my own, no matter how useless or ugly. There's a lot to unpack and many more things to work on. Like the things I learned about myself and the inner work that lies ahead. Or the outer world that demands an even greater fight from me before giving me the slightest leeway. 

Until a time comes when I can get into that better, let me just be glad that I still have something to say.