My Journey

My world is full of splitting paths, endless horizons, peaks, valleys, and everything in between. Yet, I always seem to end up coming around to the same old parts. Even when things seem different on the surface, I feel the same as I always have. There's something perculiar about therapeutic activities. They cleanse me from within. Perhaps everyone is different, and most people have someone else to lean on, but I always find myself backed up and stuffed to the brink with some kind of gunk.  It also seems like it wasn't always gunk to begin with. That perhaps there was a time and a place, maybe even some people out there who could've used these inner resources, if they came out in a particular way. Like what I had to say mattered to someone. I somehow find that hard to believe, contrary to my gut feelings. I discovered this year that I have a tendency toward inaction. It seems that I prefer to let things be, to go with the flow and not stir up the pot. An adaptation from a ti...

I've been trying to tackle all my goals for quite some time now. It's always been clearly more than any one person could manage, but I loved the idea of mixing it up and keeping things exciting so much that I piled everything on my plate anyway. Of course, it hurt to see things slide right off and fall to the floor even though I knew it was going to happen. After many years, I've come back to the idea of cutting it down to the present moment. Not in the big picture way, I'm still doing a wide variety of things because I enjoy them, but more practicaly. I realise that any good experience needs to be fun, which is the only way to live a good life. So, I've been focuing intently on my moment to moment experience. Whenever I stop to take a breather, I look up at the giant mountains in front of me, and they seem so insurmountable, it totally disorients me, casuing me to lose my footing. Achieveing anything meaningful or worthwhile seems so difficult that you feel like dr...

A lot has happened since I last wrote here. Even though I'm objectively in the worst shape of my life, I'm starting to remember the source of my strength, the power of mind over matter. I can feel the tide turning, and achievement seems more inevitable than ever before. As I imagine the true value of reaching my goals, maybe for the first time ever, I try my best not to trip over myself. That's why I've been nudging myself to focus on the present moment and to find inherent enjoyment in engaging with my problems. I've been through this hopecore arc before, and I've gone through what comes next. I was wide-eyed and optimistic when I was young, thinking the right mindset and good choices could solve everything. I've also been jaded and hopeless for a long time. It's time to let myself switch once more. It's better to hope, try, fail, and hurt, rather than to stay in the same place forever. I've stagnated, confusing inaction with safety, but I see m...

What kind of life do I wish to lead? More importantly, who do I want to be? In a practice of visualization, transformation, and manifestation, I’ve decided to align my current self-image with my ideal one.  First, let me write down how I’d like to be. Then, we will rewrite everything in the present tense. Once again, I will break it down into the five dimensions of my life: Physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual.  Of course, the financial and legendary aspects might also rear their heads.  Physically, I am flexible, fit, and durable. Durable, in the sense that I can endure greatly increasing hardship and discomfort. Fit, as I have the mental fortitude and stamina to achieve both effort and relaxation as needed.  Flexible, as I am capable of epic adaptations, shifting around to meet any challenge toe-to-toe. I might not win every battle at any damn cost, but I always show up, regularly, every single time, and put up one hell of a fight. Mentally, I am shar...

As I sit here thinking what to do, I wonder if there is any point to doing anything in the first place. I always wanted to do something with animation, as far back as I can remember. Over the course of trying to do so many things, I found that some things are just inherently related to people.  I’ve also come to believe that there is no inherent purpose to one’s life, no absolute destiny they can seek advice from. Instead, I choose to believe that the best purpose of life is to see it as an experiment. A playful dance that lights up the dreadful boredom of the eternal abyss.  In that sense, the purpose of one’s life is to have fun. Of course, life is what anyone makes of it. You can pinch pennies to accumulate great wealth, be content as a shoddy beggar, or aspire to be as simple as possible. No matter what you choose, there will be far more joy and suffering than anyone could handle on their own. Of course, there are many aspects to one’s life, each introducing its own specia...

"I need to get it together already. How long am I going to be this weak?" After a lifetime of survival and learning to enjoy the bare minimum, one's light becomes dim. The body soon follows, becoming more and more comfortable with safety. Growth is essential for survival, isn't it? Actually, no. Growth is an adaptation arising from stress. Stress arises from mortal threats. Even in the presense of threats, the oblivious creature is easy prey. Stress is a product of perception. Most drugs only dull the senses. So what makes us get hopelessly addicted? Why would an animal purposefully stick its head in the ground? Well, life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Most creatures do not really wish to survive, but are simply going through the motions.  There might be a greater, unconscious will to reproduce, but it's driven by the bottom line, indifferent to the peaks and valleys. The conscious is more sharp, focused, and meticulous. It cares too much about everythi...

How was today? I woke up and immediately made my bed for the first time in a while. Just recalling everything that happened, I instantly felt very different—very positive, much better than I usually do. It takes me a long time most mornings. I'm usually very passive, someone else has to get me going. I'm not setting an alarm nowadays, so today my mom woke me up. But instead of feeling like "I have to do this," I just instinctively made my bed. That kind of set me in action mode for the day, which is crazy. So yeah, made my bed after many days, and it was as effective as I remember, if not more. Then I took Cookie for a walk. There was no breakfast, which was nice—to just start work a little hungry. Then I did yoga. I've been doing yoga for the past 3 days and it hasn't been feeling like a chore ever since I started focusing more on the mindfulness and presence aspect of my life. The day went on. I've been writing more and more, but I'm still not reachi...

Having written a lot about why I do things in the past, I've come to realise the power of understanding my emotions as a means to access my perspective. Indeed, it seems that my instinctual self-narrative heavily influences my daily decisions. On that note, adds Adam Grant with his latest social media insight: values are what you sacrifice for, not just the stuff you care about. This, combined with Dr. K's "You can't make up for your mistakes" has been on my mind of late. Dr Alok's insight was instinctually valuable when I heard it first yedterday morning, but over the entire day, I watched it play out in action. As an addict, I've been guilty of this mentality for many years. I choose to do harmful acts and tell myself that I'll make up for them later. As a psychologist, I'm sure his insight came from real experience, nevertheless it ticked me off. Things are hard enough when you're depressed, and negativity seems to bring you down further. Pe...

It's been a few days since I fell off my latest productivity push. I want to take the time to prepare a real after-action report. So far, I've just been spinning around in circles, it seems, so let's just start noting this down to get some perspective.  The Current Situation First off, there's no avoiding the fact that I have BPD. I did experience significant neglect as a child, and that continues to affect me. No matter what I try, I can't shake this core trauma of being a burden to my caregivers, a relationship I repeat with everyone I meet.  What happens when a child feels unwanted and ignored? They grow comfortable with disappearing and are overly sensitive to judgment, rejection, and criticism. I've found that I'm far more at peace with simply numbing myself with viceral pleasures and shutting myself out from the world. Being seen means risking pain and suffering. Why is the fear so deeply instilled within me?  I feel as though I was hyperactive, needy,...