Fateful Decisions

It feels like I've changed a lot over the years, at least it does nowadays. The most frightening thing in my life has been the fact that I've never lived the same year twice. Thinking about it should at once make people shudder, or rejoice. Out of all the ways in which things have changed for me, the ability to hold on and let go of the things of my choosing has to be the most useful of all by far. I've certainly gotten a lot better at it.

Personal development and growth is nice and all, but how insane is it to be a human being? It's hard for me to despair or take things too seriously when I was born into such a wonderful world. Some parts of it might be poor and ravaged by war, with deadly diseases and loss lurking around every corner, but the darkness certainly makes things more exciting. 

I can gurantee you, militants around the world wouldn't be raping women and killing children on the streets if there was at least some thrill to be had from it. Yet such truths are taboo for good reasons. One can say, think, or feel whatever they want on the inside, but to say something publicly in way that leaves a record will have certain consequences. It can be viewed as encouragement for those who seek justification, and fuel corruption for the downtrodden innocent. 

Shooting guns, messing aorund with explosives, living life on the edge, all these are by far the most dangerous and destructive ways to live. That's why we have a neverending stream of war movies, real footage, and people online making sure everyone remembers the hellish effects of these devilish causes.

But I refuse to let hard times lull me into solemn submission. Colossal tragedies on a global scale in the age of information might make people feel guilty for having a good time, I know I've read the vibe in a room or two. Yet, the entirty of life forms that we know of are more of less limited in their play and exclusively engaged in the fight for their own survival. Have you looked around at your fellow people recently? There are people who secure their living by playing games and streaming. Entire industries dedicated to moving beyond survival. 

Whether it's crafting stories and entire communities about zombies and apocolyptic survival, or millions of individuals dedicated to studying nature and sharing the lessons, it's all a bit hard to comprehend. I mean there are entire shows and intellectual properties that put the spotlight on all kinds of professions. From lawyers to journalists, teachers, and peace officers (looking at you The Wire). Now I'm not saying everything is ultimately rainbows and puppies out here. Shit is real, there are real problems that demand serious solutions. 

Things like disparity, rampant substance abuse, corruption by power, violent subjugation, domestic abuse, enslavement, and blissful ignorance lead to fates worse than death every single day. How can a person cope with massive threats to their own well being like the looming environmental disasters while also expecting to have an intelligable opinion on countless other things like these that they are likely well aware of? Much less have any kind of appreciation for life in general.

Nevertheless, I look around and see an ineffably complex tapestry of life that oughta leave one in awe at its very existence. At this exact moment in time, I certainly feel it in my bones. I've spent the past month basically unemplyoed. Mooching off my parents with no income of my own. I've been chilling in the truest sense of the word. No wonder I feel so optimistic! They are the ones figthing out there. Earning a living, pushing and pulling, scratching and flailing for the slightest advantage they can grasp. 

I might not be pulling my own weight around here, but I like to think I am not a burden. Still, there are very real consequences to my inaction. Perhaps the time lost has not downed on me just yet, and there are many great despairs that await me in the future. 

A lot of these things make me wonder about choice and free will. So much of life is handed down to us, it's easy to think we are slaves to our circumstance. Who's to say there is any free will at all? Perhaps it's another illusion birthed by the human experience. Fate's heavy hand cannot be dismissed when investigating the nature of our existence. Yet it's also clear that the past does not completely determine the future. If it did, we would have an information race to develop the most sophisticated AI supercomputer that can help leaders make better decisions. 

Although that might be the case, there are people much smarter than me who clearly don't think this is a feasable goal to be achieved. In all my follies and limitations, I've believed for a long time that I can achieve various things if I set my mind to them. I never doubted my potential and capabilities are a writer and a creative individual. The only things that held me back for so long were fears of poverty and financial dependancies. And no matter how many "safe" options I try, it seems to me like financial security is nowhere to be found anyway. 

While my grateful heart tells me that it's more than content with living a quiet and humble life, far away from the horrors of the limelight, it seems insane to me that I am to exist in this crazy world without giving it my fucking all. And that means doing the most non-sensical, risky, and dangerous things for the sake of trying. Our fates may determine our limitations, but our decisions? They can shape our destinies. This is the greatest magic of life. If you can believe it, you can achieve it, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

It might not be smooth-sailing, cocaine, and hookers throughout. You might get cancer or get hit by a truck. But just the fact that you and I have the opportunity to shoot our shots? That's enough to make my heart skip a beat. I never found a merry social circle I can call my nakama, but I know for a fact, that as long as I keep breathing, it is within the realm of possibility.

I have been thinking a lot about what shows have done for me. The Walking Dead was an amazing journety that made me feel like I was along for the ride. It made me feel like I mattered and that life was worth living when I really didn't want to feel that way. I think it'll be a real shame if I died before ever giving back and becoming part of this chain. Sure, I didn't write any articles that paid me money. But I watched incredible things that made me feel alive. I went with that gang of survivors on an impossible adventure, and I see how creators fail their audiences so often because of how rare shows like these are in the first place.

If nothing else, I feel compelled to try and fix that problem myself. Before I try any other way, whether are a critic, teacher, or influencer, I want to try and create some things myself. Maybe then I'll have better chances of actually succeeding, because the way things were, I had no chance at all.