My Journey

I've decided to take a break instead of quitting. I still want to do all those things and give my dreams a real shot. I also want to do it my way. So I will let my vices consume me. Although I tell myself that I will do this and that even tomorrow onwards, I wouldn't be surprised if I fail miserably. I'm not myself under influence.

Is control a bad thing? Is it a futile attempt? In all honesty, it is utterly exhausting to come up with a revelation every day. Today I would like to say that nothing has changed from yesterday, and nothing will change tomorrow. I have failed at living an ideal childhood, and I am failing as an adolescent. I have been unable to build anything for myself. I have been unable to achieve discipline, momentum, wealth, skills, or anything of that sort. I thought I discovered in my heart of hearts an unalienable part of myself that said to me benevolently, "You don't have to work a day in our life unless you want to! Life doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. You can do what you want and still be happy." Today I feel like that is a worthless statement. Just like anything else I've ever come up with. I believed myself today when I realized that the reason nobody loves me is that I am absolutely worthless. I never have done anything worthwhile and I may never be capable of ...

Today was another failure. I knew what I had to do but I just didn't do it. I'm killing myself out here. Always trying to motivate myself. I keep thinking that omce this or that is over it'll be easier, I'll do better. Once I stick with it for one month I will be better, I'll get used to it, I won't have to force myself. Discipline dude. I suck so hard at things I don't want to do. I keep trying to motivate myself and psyche myself up. I keep trying to tell myself something or the other. I've decided not to focus on problems while emotional, and I'm not. I want to know how I can objectively do better, and why I failed. I want to learn and grow. I thought I need to make myself believe that I can do this. I thought I need a proper schedule so I can just follow it and stick to it. I think that is important. There's no point trying to convince myself. I'll just prove it one day at a time. I'll just show myself how pointless it is to doubt mys...

I've been rather concermed about otger people recently and discovering sincerely what they are struggling with. The past few days I've been seriously considering what are actually the biggest issues that plague our world as a whole. In big ways that we can do something about and address. Perhaps it is because I want to know what to write my stories about in hopes that they might be useful beyond a means to escape, which is obviously one utility I would hope they would provide. At the same time, I have always really been concerned about my own life, just like everyone else I suppose. What do I need to focus on, build up, fix, and improve. Even today I was wondering about my body, personality, and career. I suppose the biggest concern I have currently is about my career. What can I do, that others need and will pay me for, that I can engage with without being miserable? It's not anything to do with food, I know that. It might have something to do with words and communication,...

I wanted to do a post on "The Death Mission" today but a lot of shit came up which kept me busy. So I'll just journal to keep the streak alive I guess. I've been watching a lot of Mr. Beast videos, and have gone through so many phases where my opinion about him kept changing. Ultimately though the most important thing that matters more than anything else is that I can learn SO much from the guy, and he's more than happy to share. That alone makes him a great dude. Glad to add him to my circle of friends. Actually that makes of a great topic to journal about for today. That's why I love doing these man, you never know what comes up when you sit down to write them, and every day I get surprised just how constructive this ends up being, I'm sure it'll all add up in a big way over the next few decades. I've spent way too much time worrying about and wasting energy on other people. Trying to build some sort of relationship with them, trying to be friend...

Building my own philosophy to meet life has always been crucial work to me. I would like to take a moment to summarise what I believe to be most important. First of all, I do believe that life does have meaning. While life's meaning is not inherent, its value is. Life has inherent value because of its miraculous perseverance against all odds, and the eventual demise that makes it transient. It is therefore something that is brought about through great effort, energy, and history while also having an eventual end. We have an obligation to honor this value by serving its natural purpose to the highest level, its own perpetuation, and continuation in different forms toward the future. This is the age-old ideal of "paying it forward". That perpetuation requires each of us to create our own personal sense of meaning and purpose as human beings that require a sense of autonomy to thrive. Hence we all need a personal sense of purpose. This need is also tied to natural law in pra...

I was of the opinion that individual responsibility is the highest of all ideals. I believed this because I had assumed this to be the strongest and most potent force of change in the world. If you want to save the world, save yourself, and all that. It was natural to assume this was the most useful thing to focus on to me. Everything else seemed so complicated and out of control. It all seemed so beyond the domian of human control. An online discussion around Parasite was the first thing that challenged this notion for me. I realised that everyone minding their own business and doing their best won't necessarily fix everything. Some external factors will always continue to keep people stuck in bad places. Many of these things were systemic. At that time I just became open to the inherent problems of capitalism and the systems that are tied to it. I realised that they are too far from perfect to just be left to dealt with by people's good hearted nature. You need more than love...

If I have learned one thing on how to get better, it's that I really do have to keep doing them again and again, more and more, until I get better and better at them. How nice is it for the privileged Goku's of the world with their hyperbolic time chambers and their mentors who give them training, feedback, and a safe environment for them to grow? Perhaps a terrible analogy as it relates to me.  Fall in love with the process. Just keep taking steps. Learn to peak your dopamine release during the process of friction. Enjoy the process and forget about the goals. Lose yourself in the flow of your actions and your work. Chase excellence and success shall follow. Lay down that brick as perfectly as possible and forget about the walls and the pathways and everything else. Just have that fundamental quality of faith that on the other side of your pain, there is something better. If I keep saying the words and doing the actions, will they eventually start to become real? Days like thi...

How far should the perpetrator be blamed for the crime? My first instinct has always been a violent reproach to the criminal, and to come forward in defense of the victim. My view was challenged recently when I found that all too often, the so-called victim is overzealous in throwing themselves under the bus. What use is there in reprimanding a perpetrator who only gives people what they want? What is the point of protecting those that wish for their own destruction? Indeed the process of discernment can be difficult from any side of this circumstance. The victim might fail to identify their own needs and desires. The criminal may mislead the pure-hearted into self-destruction And the protector might fail to help either one without dirtying their own hands. Are the tools of the righteous any different from those of the wicked? The only hope I see must lie in courageous transparency and sincere communication.  On another note, I have begun to study the art of creating content. How m...