My Journey

I've been stressing out about my relationships my entire life. The lack of a romantic one, the superficiality of my paternal ones, the lack of depth in the ones with my siblings, and the consistent inconsistency in all of my friendships. I've always heard that you're born alone and you die alone, and you're pretty much always alone so better get used to it. I remember when I was younger, I used to fantasize about it. How weak these simp like men were who were being controlled by women. How wonderful a truly independent life would be. How ideal. How freeing.  To my mind now, only my brother Bhuvan seems to be living an ideal life. Full of challenges for sure, not without his own share of terrible suffering, but still happy, and kind. Never allowing himself to get bitter and depressed. That's what it seems to me now anyway. Past few days I've been going back and forth on it. On one hand I thought the new year and the Christmas weekend are a time to socialise and b...

Yesterday was a great day off. I decided I won't do anything productive at all to get some rest so I can continue to give my all for the next week. I talked to a friend, watched anime, ate good food, watched the new Avatar, and watched the FIFA finale. It was all so amazing. It was difficult not to do anything though because I really wanted to. I had built up to it the whole week after all. The habits were starting to form. The work was gaining momentum. I didn't get great sleep last night and slept feeling hungry. Today I woke up late feeling lazy, ate breakfast asap, and didn't do shit. I didn't do anything at all. My room was a mess. When I tried to do something I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by all that has to be done. Nevermind my basic obligations, but all the secondary things like cooking and shit. So I ended up lazing around all day, jacking off(literally too), and then over eating to relax. Now I pretty much feel like shit. It's late again and I w...

I realized how pointless feelings can be sometimes. Here I am spiraling out of my mind because I'm worried about results and how I'll never get fit and stay that way and how I'm fated to suffer with all this when I realized that today is the 5th fucking day of my mother fucking fast. Like seriously dude, way to jump the gun buddy. Anyway, I'll make this one quick because I'd rather spend this time writing down ideas for characters and working on my own articles. I am going to stop taking each and every feeling as a serious call for action from my intuition and higher self and god knows what else delusional shit that I was on. It's better to stick it out for a month or two before deciding to change things like these. I ordered a book for content writing and I think that is a wonderful idea. I also just realized that I'm so busy I'm not even thinking about any of my self-destructive habits, much less wrestling with them. There are so many things in life th...

For quite some time it has seemed like I am stuck and need to do more. I suppose it's more about not making enough progress than being stuck. This folly may have caused many of my older derailments. Something is definitely different this time though. I am not looking for any alternatives as an escape from this lifestyle. I no longer wish I could order junk food or smoke up or have a drink to make myself feel better. It feels a bit like I have internally burned my bridges and my boats at the shore. It seems like I have for the first time gone all in.  I am glad about that. I did take it a little easy today. I was starving at breakfast time so I overate a bit, which made me sleepy around noon. I was also sore from yesterday and worried that taking a nap would only ruin my sleep schedule, but I took one anyway. It was rather refreshing and relaxing. I did a little outlining for my own story before the nap and after waking up I just watched this new anime I found called Jobless Reincar...

I'm pushing myself right up to my limit now. The diet is stable but can easily derail in a moment of weakness. The exercise is causing soreness and I loathe stretching, which I'm not very familiar with in the first place. It's starting to feel like I am starving myself a little bit, which is what I want.  I'm doing my best to maintain efforts toward everything else and making slow, and minuscule, but consistent progress. I want to lie down and rest properly. Everything is going according to plan. I am the one who is making it happen. The moment I stop making efforts at key moments, the progress will derail. This is a critical juncture. This is a defining moment. This is me crossing the threshold. Like a space shuttle fighting against the atmosphere and gravity. This is far from over, the worst might be yet to come.  I am grateful for this opportunity and the guidance I have received that has led me here. I will persevere. I will ingrain in my memory from now onwards to ...

 Progress is weird because the more I make, the less it seems. I wrote another article and felt like I could do more content writing long-term for money. I hope I can because it agrees with me. I'm doing my best but kind of feel bad about all the extra fat right now as the day comes to an end. The whole day I was so busy moving from one thing to the next. I would say I was very successful, I mean when I make goals for the next day I don't expect to achieve them, I only expect myself to try. Yet today I achieved the major things I set out to do yesterday. I want to pat myself on the back. I had wished to work for myself the way I used to for others in the kitchen, and I am developing some real dedication here. I was so busy I didn't have time to think. What a bliss that was! So yea I did well for myself today. But I won't deny that right now I feel a bit down because I did not do any drawing and I feel it's time to sleep. I want to write more articles and work on my ...

I woke up relatively early today for once and the new feeding times are suiting me so far, although I can only know for sure in a week or so if it sticks. This resulted in a lot of time for me to engage in my other more fruitful activities. On one hand, what is the point of recording everything every day, on the other, I know very well the reasons behind each of my endeavors and I want nothing more than to achieve all of them for many days in a row. So I spent all my free time wasting more than most of it. Jumping from app to app, playing round after round of Isaac, watching episode after episode.  Some of my experiences tell me to take things slow and appreciate any and all progress. They tell me to ease into my goals and let things happen organically. Yet I intuitively know that to be totally false. This is why I'm not consulting anyone about this or asking for advice. A part of me wants to take things slow and go easy. That part of me has constantly made me miserable my whole li...