My Journey

I had a long discourse with Vijay Ji today. It was my way of celebrating Rakhi. I love how cool he is. Intellectual, warm, humble, passionate, and knowledgable. In general, just a really cool guy to be around. He can sometimes get on your nerves since he can get stuck with too much talking sometimes, and he gets really worked up. But that's a big part of his charm in the first place. I thought of so many things whole talking to him. It made me want to double down on my book and really write a lot of shit down. I've stopped caring bout the zero viewers of my posts here. In fact, I'm kind of starting to enjoy it. It's nice to have someone who cares about right and wrong. It's nice to have someone who loves discussions as much as I do. I appreciate him and his entire family a lot. He's given me a way to connect with my roots, and understand so many things about this palce I've been born into. I really felt like a tourist in my own city, and honestly, what can b...

I really did have quite a breakthrough yesterday. As I was going to sleep and thinking about what I had written here, I realized how deeply my life had been shaped by my curiosity. Most, if not all, of my major decisions were motivated by that sole desire to know more and see clearly. The clarity brought with it peace and acceptance. I was able to embrace myself and evertyhing that I have become. For a little while, everything seemed to make sense. Of course, that doesn't mean that I didn't have any other driving forces. I've had quite a mixed bag, but the curiosity felt like the strongest and purest one of them all. It made me feel more like myself than all the others combined. I thought it was rather beautiful. The realization definitely made it easier for me to accept a lot of things, but it didn't change much of what I have to do. All that needs to be done, still remains, waiting to be discovered. I have embraced my current reality by making peace with my past choic...

I went with Shiv and Pria to Jhalana today. We met in the morning and had an amicable meeting. We talked like friends about nothing in particular. I told myself I'll work today, I told him I was sick. I'll focus on doing TTV, I thought. I also started to practice the harmonica, a few minutes every day. The diet, the exercise, the yoga. The sleep, the hydration, and the meditation. All of it is rising up to the surface like ghouls. I need to keep my mind empty and stay focused on what's ahead. A perilous path full of trials and tribulations. A line of work that demands the highest of me. Do I have what it takes? A part of me wants to run away, and that's precisley why I cannot. I named the last entry as "Half Finished" because I knew I had forgotten some important point I wanted to convey. It's coming back to me now, slowly. Although, to be fair, I don't actually remember if I've covered it or not. Anyway, I've found that my life is full of cont...

I failed a lot in the past week. I failed to do any work on Sunday. I failed to exercise and eat right. I failed to sleep properly at the right times. I failed to be present and face my demons. I failed to stay away from the worldly pleasures of the flesh. I also failed to write these essential bare-minimum entries that constantly make me feel like I am progressing toward my dreams of being a professional creative artist person.  Did I fail after trying my best or did I simply allow myself to fail and give into despair? The answer seems obvious to me. I tried and tried and tried, but it just didn't stick. Then, one day, I could try no more. This was Saturday, to be precise. I ran away from my problems, unable to stay grounded and present, unable to control my mind and emotions.  Remembering the other times of my life in which I did perform, things became clearer and clearer. As did I become increasingly miserable. I felt powerless and spiraled out of control. Finally, I hit th...

I felt pretty frustrated msot of the day, but now I don't feel anything much. My head is empty and I just feel like chilling. Everything feels pretty chill, in fact. Maybe I should start characterizing these entries into good days and bad. While I was taking cookie for a walk, I thought about all the psychology vids I had seen. how chasing after pleasure and dopamine hits might be disregulating my brain's homeostasis. How I need to have faith in my body's ability to heal itself, and bear with it through this tough time. It's always tough to break a bad habit, especially ones I've been reinforcing for over a decade. Everything felt so heavy, serious, and hopeless yesterday. Even in the morning I was feeling so fed up with my work, and my inability to do it properly. I felt angry at my situation, and I was really working myself up. I suppose even now, this relaxed state might be nothing more than the food coma that comes after a good meal from McDonald's.  But I d...

Today was a failure in every sense of the word. I woke up late after being unable to sleep. I ate junk food yesterday, which made me feel sick in the first half of the day. And things just kind of spiralled from there. I can't help but feel bad. Angry at myself, at everyone around me. People who were supposed to help me out, people who were supposed to take care of me, to look out for me. I feel hurt and alone and afraid. I feel lonely. I thought I was tired of crying, turns out I was just avoiding it.  I just wanted to work today. I just wanted to get things done. I knew I had work to do, but I felt so sick. I'm tired of making excuses. I've fucked myself up so badly. I feel regret. It's all so painful. I just want a solution. I just want to fix it. I try to build these systems like they will save me from my karma. This must be my destiny then. I'm starting to lose all sense of who I am. I want to lose it all so I can be at peace. This inner turmoil is absolutely u...

A very productive day yesterday. Too productive. I did end up doing everything. I wrote my story a bit, then my book, then I read a little, for God's sake I even sorted out my room's layout! Turns out, it takes less than three days to burn yourself out to a crisp at the pace I was keeping. Fasting, dieting, working out twice a day, reading, writing, and trying to stay hydrated. You'll give yourself a stroke trying to stay so healthy! So I dunked out of the evening workout and ordered extremely disappointing junk food. I wish I could call it a guilty pleasure, but it was absolute garbage, I only thank god that I didn't order more of it... For some reason, McDonald's is the only place in this city that's got their shit together, and their menu is also so limited... You can get bored of it very easily. I suppose that's the only way to live eh? Do too little, then too much. Eventually, things start to even out a bit.  Folks tend to find their pace after some poi...