Crawl In A Hole

Today was a failure in every sense of the word. I woke up late after being unable to sleep. I ate junk food yesterday, which made me feel sick in the first half of the day. And things just kind of spiralled from there. I can't help but feel bad. Angry at myself, at everyone around me. People who were supposed to help me out, people who were supposed to take care of me, to look out for me. I feel hurt and alone and afraid. I feel lonely. I thought I was tired of crying, turns out I was just avoiding it. 

I just wanted to work today. I just wanted to get things done. I knew I had work to do, but I felt so sick. I'm tired of making excuses. I've fucked myself up so badly. I feel regret. It's all so painful. I just want a solution. I just want to fix it. I try to build these systems like they will save me from my karma. This must be my destiny then. I'm starting to lose all sense of who I am. I want to lose it all so I can be at peace. This inner turmoil is absolutely unbearable. 

I don't know how to fix. I just want to crawl inside a hole and do nothing for a whole year. I just want this whole chapter to be over with. I want to take cover and wait for it to blow over. What I read in the newspaper shocked me today. It was my horoscope. It said that diving into work will be my salvation today. It said that I need to tell my loved ones what I am struggling with. It said I need to share my problems with my loved ones. 

After reading that I knew immediately how true it was. Why didn't I do any of it? Why did I fail to do an iota of work? I DIDN'T DO SHIT. I didn't do anything at all. What's wrong with me? The first thing I did, I ate whatever I could find in the kitchen to settle my stomach down. Nothing has changed after all. Maybe nothing cana dn nothing ever will. I'll always be this fat, useless, unproductive, stupid, dull, depressed, garbage, piece of shit, idiot for the rest of my life. I always was and I always will be. 

I thought work could save me. A new place, a disciplined lifestle, a proper schedule. Needing to be in front of other human beings. Being in front of people who are better than I am. Here I am stuck inside my home. I didn't talk to anyone. I couldn't do it. I didn't write anything I was supposed to, I didn't feel like it. Everytime I tired, I felt paralized. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to hurt myself. I want to get away from it all. It's all so heavy. I can't do anything anymore. I don't have it in me. 

All the food I stuff inside my throat can't fix me. All the porn in the world cant help me. Unlocking the Dead God achievement in Isaac will make me feel as empty and joyless as evey single day of my life. I laughed quite some times today while watching Futurama. It's a funny and well written show with some clever and layered humor. I wacthed a lot of this YouTuber called Dr. K and his channel called HealthyGamerGG. I found it very helpful on one hand, and totally cruel on another.

It felt very nice to have all the validation that came with it. I can't shale this feeling of failure though. The work thing is fine, like I don't expect myself to be a contributing member of society in the miserable state I'm in. On that front, I only regret not studyng properly when I had the opportunity, and I feel a burning hatred for everyone around me who failed to nurture that in me. I had a bright mind full of questions, they just had to explain it to me so I would understand.

It wasn't like I didn't want to understand, I just didn't want to do something without knowing why. Isn't that obvious? Who wants to do anything without knowing why? Some folks said something, others said something else. None of it made sense to me. If only someone took the time to really talk to me, my whole life would be different. I would have so much more to give to the world. Now, everytime I have to do work, I feel ill equipped and underdeveloped. That's how I feel about work, and I don't care to beat myself up over it that much.

My mind still seems to work just fine, and I'm teaching myself whatever I can at my own pace. I'm enjoying that and will gladly continue it forever. It's the second part of the horoscope that's killing me. Share my problems with those I love. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH THAT!? I don't know how to do that, are you fucking kidding me? Who am I supposed to talk to? My couch potato of a father or my mom who's working herself to death trying to keep the lights on in this place?

The sister, and cousin brothers who I don't talk to for years on end? The friedns who are too busy trying to live their actual lives? Who am I supposeed to share my problems with again? And where I fuck do I even start? I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to break it to pieces with my fist. I'm a wreak. I'm a mess. I don't know where to begin. That's why it bothers me so much. I know I have to do something about it. I know that this isn't good enough. 

Work? Sure, I'll figure something out. I'm a hard worker and tons of people can appreciate that. But love? I don't even know what that feels like. Safety, security, feeling seen, being held, a shared understanding, intimacy. These are not real experiences of my life. Just concepts that I imagine. I've seen it in fictional stories between characters. I've heard other people talk about it. I know it exists, like the North Pole or the Mariana Trench. 

I have my friends and sometimes we say to each other I love you. But I don't know what to do with that. I thought I'll start feeling it if I keep repeating it long enough. The only sense of love I've ever felt from a living creature is my dog. How she comes to hang out with me throughout the day. How she comes to me when I call her. How she runs and gets so excited when she sees me lying on the ground, on her level. She licks my face ferociously, she's so excited that she can't contain herself, and it manifests in her as she half bites my face, nibbling aggressively on my nose in between her licks. 

Her tail wagging uncontrollably. But she is not of this world. We are human beings and she is an animal. It's clear to me that she loves me in her way, and I love her in my own way, but the two can never compute. there is a wall that separates us. I will never understand why she whines and cries occassionally. I will never know why she wanders around the home at times. At the end of that day, I don't know what her life is really like, and it's so far out of my domain, that's just incomprehensible to me. Same goes for her to me. 

I only know that she likes certain things and that they make her happy. So the least I can do is take care of those for her, and take care of her, in her short time on earth. But I am a human being, and I need other human beings to rely on. I want to care for them, and I want them to care for me. How in the hell do I even begin to do that? Ihave no clue. I'm barely hanging on by a thread here. God save me.

I wish that she would die already. This proxy that she is allowing foe us in our family. My mom cuddles up to her, I cuddle up to her, my dad has even gotten chummy with her. And that's wonderful. But why can't we do it for each other? What the fuck? It's one of the most fucked up and repulsive things I have ever seen. This house, is killing me. God help me. Once she goes away, we won't have a choice anymore. And I won't have an excuse to stay here. I wanted to live in a joint family. I wanted my mother and cousins and extended family to live next to each other. Taking care of one another. 

I wanted my mom to hold my child in her lap, when my wife can't take care of him/her anymore. I wanted a real home full of people that were a real family. The other day they had a book fair for all those Buddhist books. All those people that came over, with their enlightened aura and glowing faces, they made me sick to my stomach. Trying to make conversation with me, trying to get to know me. GET THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, I wanted to say to them. 

How easy it is to be a saint in front a person you see once in ten years. How holy art thou in front of me for like five fucking minutes. Get the fucking hell out, and take your bullshit philosophy with you. That's how I felt. And my mom? She was delighted. Oh what wonderful friends she has. What an amazingly inspirational community she is blessed to be part of. I'm sure those guys will be lining up to wipe her ass when she cannot do it herself anymore. I know they'll all be at her funeral, collecting brownie points and gather clout, oh sorry, I meant honoring her memeory and imagine. 

What a disgusting fucking game they play. Everyone seems to have it all backwards sometimes. I don't know how to say these things to them. The horoscope bothered me because I know I have to. I know that this is my burden, to say what I must. I thought that if I made a nice story, they all would have to experience it, it would be my life's work, after all. That's the only way I could ever hope to communicate my true feelings to the people around me. But I know that I was the one who has it all backward. 

So what am I supposed to do now? I go up to them and make them listen? You know I can't. There are all these walls between us, and I don't know which one of us put up which wall. I don't know which ones I have the right to tear down. I know that when all hell breaks lose, it will have to happen by necessity. That's why sometimes suicide seems like such a logical thing to do. Sometimes things just feel so far beyond redemption. That's why I wish that cookie would die, or some other horrible thing might happen.

At least something fresh and new could rise from the ashes. At least we could rebuild from the bare rubble. The way things are, it's just dead fucking weight. Rotting masses and hostile tumors. Disfunctional mutations of the soul. Corrupting things ever so subtly. It all makes me sick. I just want to cut it all out. I just want to go crawl inside a hole, and wait for this whole shitstorm to blow over. 

Was today a failure? A massive failure of the highest degree. Was it a waste then? That's impossible to say at this point. This fucking shitstor is beating the crap out of me. And oh God I am trying my best. I'm giving it my all. But it's not enough. It's just not. I can't do it by myself. I don't know how to move forward from here, but I know I have to. I will do it. With my own two hands and feet. I will put myself on the line, I'll destry myself if I have to. I will burn, and ache, and skin myself alive if I have to.

I will hurt mre, I will cry my eyes out. I will humiliate myself, mutilate myself, scar myself beyong recognition. I will carve it into my skin and bones. I will tear my muscles apart and pull my hair out from its roots if I have to. I will do whatever it god gamn mother fucking takes for it to move forward. I'll do whatever the fuck it takes. Just let me know what it is. Please. I beg of you. I will strip myself naked in public and shave my head. I will let everyone see what a wretched vile creature of darkness I am.

If that's what it takes, I will do it without mercy or remorse. Just save them. Save the poor souls that flock abound in ignorance. The ones that inject rancid acid in their veins and call it love. I know that I am saved already. Hurt and cry as I may, I know what awaits me at the end of this fight. I honestly don't know what's there for everyone else. Those are te ones I want to help. Don't they deserve to see things as clearly? Don't they deserve to taste this peace? If they don't, then who does? ME!? 😂

What a joke. Of course, I don't know what to think anymore after that. The only thing I've evr wanted, was to be on the same page as other people. For that, we need to pay ourself out in the open. How can you read me if I keep secrets deep inside, unknown by life itself? How can you know me if I am a stranger to myself? All the things we keep buried inside, so deeply, sixteen thousand million feet under the bottom of the sea. Where up and down doesn't mean anything. Places far beyond the realm of gravity and physics.

How can you know me if half of my being is hidden in a realm where light cannot exist? Crawling inside a hole, waiting for time itself to disappear? What is it that's keeping it down there? Fear of death, destruction, obliteration? A fate of suffering something far worse thatn the death it lives in every day? How can we be on the same page if our books don't even exist in the same reality, much less the same dimension. We must pull ourselves out of that dark place, where even shadows are afraid to tread/

It's the depth of our relationships that stand the harshest storms. Even the biggest Pine forest on the entire mountain range, with thousands of centurian trees, can come crumbling down when the clouds burst open with hellish fury. But a single trio of mighty Oaks can withstand that very storm, for their roots reach down to the Bedrock itself. Those who are one with the Earth, can never be uprooted. But for a human being to collect all the fragments of their fractured existence together, they need to dig deep.

For humans to become oaks, they need to first unearth all the pines that pollute their awareness, and crawl down, inch by inch, to the inescapable foundation of their reality. They need to tear their selves apart and feel their way to the bedrock. Not with their eyes, or toes, not with their minds, or hopes, but with their entire beings. They have to get in touch with those parts that are crawled up in those holes, and then go beyond them, until they find the roots of those around them. After that, they too can withstand any storms. They can also enjoy the peaceful spring and the life of the jungle. Together. Forever. 

Until the meterorites hit and the tectonic plates shift, anyway.