Discovering The Answer

I thought I'd make this entry a quick one today because I was really pumped up about working on my story. Not just because of all the frustrations that came to the surface from yesterday's entry but also because I feel like the universe is speaking to me to double down on that. But eh, what the hell. As if the universe does stuff like that, lol. It's funny because I don't believe that in the least. In fact, I once went out of my way to explain it to some dude online who I thought I was getting friendly with on IG. Always keeping an eye out for new friends, life is too short to live without them.

Anyway, I loved the clip I saw today. "If you cower away from the things you know you must face or the things you wish to face, you violate the principle of your own strength." The actual lines started with if you shy away from the things in your way that you must face, I just looked it up. I like the original words better, but what remained in my memory says a lot as well. Putting aside the impossible question of a conscious universe, although before we do, I must admit: If the answer to a question is unknown, or unknowable, there is really no value in being prudent in your opinion on it. Protecting yourself from a percieved mistake doesn't make you a better person, and commiting to making so called rational decisions, does not inherently put you in a better position. 

In fact, being absolutely sure about your convictions and holding on to them with steadfast faith only leaves you vulnerable to compunding fallacies. The point is not to never believe in anything or not having an opinion in the first place, it's being comfortable enough with the uncertainty in question to allow for other people's conflicting opinions on any given matter. Things become difficult when dealing with people, life is messy, and nobody is a saint, but wheneer we absolutely must engage with others, that is the correct attitude. Also, engaging with people only when you absolutely must do so is generally a good view as well. It can be hard to build or maintain relationships, but ultimately, you can't be friends with everyone.

A good rule that I adhere to, is to always rise up to the ocassion of any given exchange. There is no point reaching out to everyone all the time, but when a person goes down the road to their own highest calling, they are bound to encounter counteless other folks along the way. Through continuous action, hard work, and consistent investment, we all will find the people who share our fate. With them, we must become great friends. Now, I thought about the story I wanted to create a little bit more today, and the more I thought of it, the more it came back to me. I thought it was enough to write down on paper, and start working on step by step.

And as soon as it became clearer, I thought of a few things that I want to write about in my book. And so, I thought I'd give them both a go. Then an anxiety came crawling back. All the times I had failed before, all the things I tried to do but could not. In every upward cycle I would take on more than I can chew and ended up burning myself out. I felt a wave of fear. Am I falling into the same pattern once again? Looking at the past few days, working out, doing more work, faster more, and getting sleep. Less scrolling, perversion, and abuse. The pattern emerges. What's there grows and multiplies and becomes more. Perhaps it's a bad idea to overindulge? Perhaps I should take things slow. There are times in a person's life when they benefit frm being more passive. Then there are times when they can benefit from going all out and being more aggreassive. (courtesy of James Clear)

Well, it's clear that those concerns are foolish. While it is important to have the correct framework and build a long term lifestyle that allows me to work on my projects consistently, there is no need for me to hold the brakes down in the meantime. If I sincerely wish to make progress, there is nothing stopping me. It's just the priorities that must not be forgotten. As long as I prioritize my days correctly, I should be well in the green to give up a few friendly phone calls in favor of a little personal work. The concerns are ultimately unsubstanciated and should be put to rest. Still, I see where the concern is coming from. I remember a few months back when I said that I just want to do the things I am doing currently. There is nothing more satisfying than building the life of your dreams and that's what I did not want to turn away from for any reason. 

Yet, in the beginning when you are laying down the ground work, things tend to be quite unstable. The smallest disturbance can lead to the greatest disruptions and completely divert the entire project's trajectory. That's what I feel had happened before. That's what I fear will happen again. Because I am once agains tarting to feel the forward momentum of positive miniscule progress. The last thing I want is to be disrupted for any reason. Except the last time I truly got discrupted, it was because of my own needs and wants. I fell prey to my own breach of judgement and whimsical impulsivity. I am afraid of doing so again. I wonder now, if I was to go a full-on believer, or the opposite, would this challenge be any less difficult? 

Perhaps I would be more stable if I was more consistend, more rigid in my beliefs, a bit more concrete. Perhaps that's true. But here I am planning to write a book about my philosophy anyway, flawed as it may be. The only reason I can know about it's validity, is by being true to myself and standing the test of time. It will evolve with me as I navigate through things in my own way.

Perhaps I will become more rigid, perhaps I will find a good balance, or I might always suffer from being overtly flexible. Discovering the answer will be one of the msot interesting parts of the journey.

I'm rather enjoying writing these before I sleep. Doing this makes me tired and ready to hit the hay. A satisfying end to a fruitful day.